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Welshwoofs

MoreOn wrote: »

nah, sometimes if you can't follow what is asked YOU need to have the moral decency to leave...

...and let me guess, you dictate what defines 'moral decency'?

Good to know the Daily Mail will have at least one steadfast reader for life.

Welshwoofs

Taadaa wrote: »

This is really common on this board for some reason :eek: Everyone needs to calm down a bit :cool: and stop poking each other with big sticks :rotfl:

I wouldn't worry Taadaa - I can't imagine anyone takes any of this sniping too seriously.....or at least I'd really worry about their mental state if they did!

Debate is a bit like boxing, you may draw blood or you may get a bloodied nose, but you shake hands at the end of a match and get on with life until the next time you meet in the ring.

FOX_HOUND

Hello OP, as posters have written you cannot erase knowledge or experience of the child. But I'll throw this in.

Does the OW want the child? If not, would you take the child on and bring her up as your own? As you have said you intend to stay with your husband. Whether this would be legal I don't know.

Radical I know and probably ridiculous. But life is strange. I was left in a pram at 10 days old outside social services offices. I never saw my mother again.

jungle_jane

i think there are two issues: 1. recovering from the hurt caused by the whole situation 2. dealing with any new drama in future

You *might* be able to move on from all of this and overcome the hurt and have a happy relationship...but its going to be really hard if the baby is part of his life moving forward. This is because a relationship with his child means having to deal with having OW in his life to some degree or other forever more and it means you can never 'bury' the issue and move on. OW is certain to be the source of a lot of future problems (rather than the child itself) due to the hostile relationship between all 3 of you. i cannot imagine harmonious, respectful co-parenting with the vibe between you all being so bad.

of course there is a price to pay for achieving 1) and avoiding 2) but it's the baby that pays that price by not having a relationship with her dad. Mind you, what is worse? having no relationship with your dad or having a relationship with him and having your mum slag him off and applying PAS morning, noon and night?

i totally think that children have a right to have a relationship with their father and really feel for the children in this mess...but i have also seen the flip side of blended families first hand - the damage that a hostile parent can inflict day in and day out by lying, vilification and downright spite towards the absent parent. In its own way its an equally damaging and toxic scenario for the children...

fannyanna

OP are you seeing a counsellor? I would definately recommend that you do. Not because you're crazy but because you've been though, are going through and are going to have a tough time. Speak to a professional who can help you with your thoughts and feelings.

The only way you'll be able to deal with this going forward is to control your thoughts on the matter. Your thoughts are what create your emotions. So if you can come to terms with things you'll find peace. If you can't it will tear you apart. Really think hard about this bit. If you don't think you can do it you need to walk away now rather than in 5 years time when it's torn you apart and you've lost your sanity. I don't mean to sound harsh but on this point I speak from experience.

I would also strongly recommend that you have couples counselling with your husband.

As for the baby - putting aside what's morally right or wrong you can move on without the baby (and the OW) being part of your life. Your husband will have to pay maintenance (which you can just look at as a monthly bill like the gas or electric) but other than that he doesn't HAVE to have anything to do with the child or the OW. If that's what you and your husband want to do then do it. Everyone will judge you and think you're terrible but if that's what you need to do to get through everything then do it. But it's down to you and your husband alone (and no one else).

MoreOn

Welshwoofs wrote: »

...and let me guess, you dictate what defines 'moral decency'?

Good to know the Daily Mail will have at least one steadfast reader for life.

You shouldn't rely on guesses, they tend not to be reliable..

I don't need to, i'm not one of those who are ignoring OP or need to try and insult..... But i'm sure you'll stay if only to try and save face...:beer:

Person_one

fannyanna wrote: »

As for the baby - putting aside what's morally right or wrong you can move on without the baby (and the OW) being part of your life. Your husband will have to pay maintenance (which you can just look at as a monthly bill like the gas or electric) but other than that he doesn't HAVE to have anything to do with the child or the OW. If that's what you and your husband want to do then do it. Everyone will judge you and think you're terrible but if that's what you need to do to get through everything then do it. But it's down to you and your husband alone (and no one else).

Please, no. If you can't come to terms with the baby being an important part of your life it would be better to walk away and just see him as the father of your child not your husband.

I mentioned my family member earlier on, the hurt he will cause his daughter by taking that road, by viewing her like a gas bill, is not something that should be an option.

Why would you want to put aside what's morally right? Could you live with yourself? You need to consider how it will affect you and your mental wellbeing to spend the next 18 years treating your child's half sibling so appallingly.

peachyprice

fannyanna wrote: »

As for the baby - putting aside what's morally right or wrong you can move on without the baby (and the OW) being part of your life. Your husband will have to pay maintenance (which you can just look at as a monthly bill like the gas or electric) but other than that he doesn't HAVE to have anything to do with the child or the OW. If that's what you and your husband want to do then do it. Everyone will judge you and think you're terrible but if that's what you need to do to get through everything then do it. But it's down to you and your husband alone (and no one else).

They can't though can they, it's not that simple.

It's easy while the child is a baby, it's easy while the child is growing up, but once that child is of an age to trace her father herself OP and her OH will always be afraid of a knock on the door, a letter, a phone call, and one day bam the whole thing will be dragged up again and there is nothing they can do to stop it.

While they can decide they want nothing to do with this child, they also need to discuss how they are going to cope in years to come with the uncertainty and with the deceit they will have inflicted on their own child.

fannyanna

peachyprice wrote: »

They can't though can they, it's not that simple.

It's easy while the child is a baby, it's easy while the child is growing up, but once that child is of an age to trace her father herself OP and her OH will always be afraid of a knock on the door, a letter, a phone call, and one day bam the whole thing will be dragged up again and there is nothing they can do to stop it.

While they can decide they want nothing to do with this child, they also need to discuss how they are going to cope in years to come with the uncertainty and with the deceit they will have inflicted on their own child.

If they turn up 20 years later knocking on the door you can say you're not interested.

I'm not talking about what is right or wrong. I'm just saying that it's not impossible to cut someone out of your life - even if they try to come back in - you don't have to let them in.

Oldernotwiser

fannyanna wrote: »

As for the baby - putting aside what's morally right or wrong you can move on without the baby (and the OW) being part of your life. Your husband will have to pay maintenance (which you can just look at as a monthly bill like the gas or electric) but other than that he doesn't HAVE to have anything to do with the child or the OW. If that's what you and your husband want to do then do it. Everyone will judge you and think you're terrible but if that's what you need to do to get through everything then do it. But it's down to you and your husband alone (and no one else).

Well, thank goodness someone finally said it, although why everybody would think the OP to be terrible if she chooses this path, I don't know.