MODS - please delete thread

MoreOn

Some people just don't get it...

Four words supporting her and the title of the thread...

meritaten

I get that the OP is struggling - I get that she has posted on here hoping for support and for people to say she is doing the right thing.
unfortunately - people have told her what a !!!!!! her OH is (me included). It's probably NOT what she was hoping for - and the more she defends him - quite frankly, the worse the light she is painting him in!

I think OP if you were SURE you were doing the right thing and had as much faith in your OHs contrition as you say - you WOULDNT be asking us all what we think. I also think that our replies have shaken you. Good!
I didnt say that to be nasty - I think you should take a good hard look at not just your OH - but at yourself. ask yourself what was my real reason for taking him back? no glib answers allowed! this is between YOU and your SELF!
we can give you our opinions until the cows come home - and you can ignore them all - but, there are five people that matter here - Your daughter, his daughter, Yourself, OH and amazing enough OW. The only sure thing is that SOMEONE is going to get very badly hurt. If I were you I would make sure it wasnt the first two - the rest of you are adults and you can get on with your lives - the two daughters are dependant upon the adults around them to make them happy, safe and secure.
Its time to start thinking clearly and start trying to minimise the damage caused - and tbh its down to OH to do that.

whitewing

Welshwoofs wrote: »

Why are you getting angry at me? I've actually said nothing about you other than I have sympathy for you. I just happen to think that your husband is a total !!!!! for abandoning his child.

Your feelings are important to you, but your feelings aren't more important than his duty to take a part in this baby's upbringing. It seems, from what you say, that you've done the decent thing and tried to make him see sense about this baby....it also seems that he's not going to live up to his responsibilities....which is pretty abhorrent.


Did anyone suggest it should be otherwise from your point of view? You have no responsibility towards this new child's welfare - HE DOES.

You are not supporting the OP by being nasty about her husband. While she remains with him, it is a joint responsibility in my opinion, to - in the long term - deal with this baby. It's unfortunate and understandable that that cannot be an absolute priority at the moment while everybody is hurting so much. I don't actually think that a few weeks space will particularly cause long term damage to the child. It's ridiculous that you don't appear to understand what a monumental change of perspective everybody needs to make the future better. The baby isn't being abandoned; it is carrying on oblivious while the adults have a bit of time to sort the sorry mess out.

alias*alibi

meritaten wrote: »

I get that the OP is struggling - I get that she has posted on here hoping for support and for people to say she is doing the right thing.
unfortunately - people have told her what a !!!!!! her OH is (me included). It's probably NOT what she was hoping for - and the more she defends him - quite frankly, the worse the light she is painting him in!

I think OP if you were SURE you were doing the right thing and had as much faith in your OHs contrition as you say - you WOULDNT be asking us all what we think. I also think that our replies have shaken you. Good!
I didnt say that to be nasty - I think you should take a good hard look at not just your OH - but at yourself. ask yourself what was my real reason for taking him back? no glib answers allowed! this is between YOU and your SELF!
we can give you our opinions until the cows come home - and you can ignore them all - but, there are five people that matter here - Your daughter, his daughter, Yourself, OH and amazing enough OW. The only sure thing is that SOMEONE is going to get very badly hurt. If I were you I would make sure it wasnt the first two - the rest of you are adults and you can get on with your lives - the two daughters are dependant upon the adults around them to make them happy, safe and secure.
Its time to start thinking clearly and start trying to minimise the damage caused - and tbh its down to OH to do that.

Ok, going to keep this short. I actually DIDNT ask for opinions on the OW, my husband or the baby. I asked how do I move on and cope with the reminders. It's the majority of posters on here who have delved deeper into what happened; not me. I've accepted the affair, I am back withmy husband. I just need to move forward from the reminders. I AM NOT GOING TO LEAVE MY HUSBAND just because the majority think I should! That would make me look an utter idiot and someone who doesn't know their own mind or emotions.

System

I don't think , unless I've missed it, that the OP has said what kind of age she and her OH are? Why I comment on that is that if he is very young , early 20s? , he may well 'mature' and deal with his responsibilty to all parties ... but it should be a priority in talking to him imo, to find out what was the underlying cause of him having an affair in the first place. otherwise you're just dealing with the effects not the cause...and unless you do that he will be off again.

Only the OP knows if she loves him enough to cope with a lifetime of having his child by another woman in the background, whether every time they have a row or go through a bad patch she can stop herself throwing it in his face, if there is eventual contact whether she can cope with her OH going to visit when and maybe taking her daughter to the OW's and vice versa.

System

Sorry OP posted as you added.

I don't know how you move on...I've been in a similar 'state of mind' in terms of having to move on ( though totally different circumstances). Every day just has to be got through, concentrate on your child, the house, work if you do, fill the time so you don't have too much time to think.

FBaby

alias*alibi wrote: »

Ok, going to keep this short. I actually DIDNT ask for opinions on the OW, my husband or the baby. I asked how do I move on and cope with the reminders. It's the majority of posters on here who have delved deeper into what happened; not me. I've accepted the affair, I am back withmy husband. I just need to move forward from the reminders. I AM NOT GOING TO LEAVE MY HUSBAND just because the majority think I should! That would make me look an utter idiot and someone who doesn't know their own mind or emotions.

Good on you for not letting this thread messing with your mind. You did views and opinions that some day, you might want to review and consider, but you are absolutely right, you have made up your mind and are sticking with your position. Whether it is the right one or not, noone can tell, what matters is that you make the most of it.

How can you move on? I think by accepting that only time will help heal. Time really is everything. My situation is different, but the issue of moving on from the pain of reminders is similar. In my case, it was desperately hoping to fall pregnant with my partner after a miscarriage when my partner, who made my life hell, didn't contribute a penny towards our children announced he and his partner on benefits were expecting a baby. The baby that would be my children sister or brother when I was so desperate to give them that after them pestering me to have a baby. Unfortunately, by the time she gave birth, I learnt that I would most likely never fall pregnant. I had to deal with my loss at the same time then their gain. The feelings of envy and jealousy was overbearing at time and I dreaded picking up my kids to hear them telling all about how cute they baby sister was.... Time is the only thing that helped. Somehow, it got a bit easier each time, somehow i went from absolutely refusing to look at her picture to looking without feeling like I was punched in the chest, to being abot to look at it and just feeling detached. I went from listening to my kids talking about her and automatically changing the subject to listening without commenting, to surprising even myself asking a question or two.

Your challenge is way beyond mine, but I think time to accept the situation, to recover and find trust in your partner again and more importantly, time to let the anger evaporate is what will make it bearable. Good luck with the future.

Taadaa

Wow I am totally shocked at the turn this thread has taken today. Some contributors seem to think that by an OP 'putting themselves out there', and asking for advice about difficult circumstances, they have some God given right to be judge and jury over their entire lives. Get a grip, people.

Welshwoofs

whitewing wrote: »

You are not supporting the OP by being nasty about her husband.

The Op is not her husband and it's perfectly possible to feel sympathy for her situation whilst condemning his actions towards his child.

If all she wants to hear is platitudes that her husband's probably a really nice, upstanding guy she's probably better of just talking to him as I'm sure he'll be more than happy to paper over the cracks and paint himself in the best light.

MoreOn

alias*alibi wrote: »

Ok, going to keep this short. I actually DIDNT ask for opinions on the OW, my husband or the baby. I asked how do I move on and cope with the reminders. It's the majority of posters on here who have delved deeper into what happened; not me. I've accepted the affair, I am back withmy husband. I just need to move forward from the reminders. I AM NOT GOING TO LEAVE MY HUSBAND just because the majority think I should! That would make me look an utter idiot and someone who doesn't know their own mind or emotions.

Try to move from reminders to things that may eventually have enriched you as a person and hopefully be the catalist to bringing your relationship with OH to a much deeper level...