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whitewing

Seanymph wrote: »

because of course he's so caring and supportive of others that he'll immediately change his character and start standing up to his responsibilities in life.

I have had the luxury of being on MSE for a number of years and have certainly got to see situations in a lot more honesty and detail than we get in real life. Prior to MSE, I would have been one of the 'you can't possibly live with him knowing he has another daughter out there' brigade.

I am pro-marriage and not ashamed to be pro-marriage. I also think it is better that one daughter has her daddy at home, and the other becomes a welcome addition to that family, and I am happy to support the OP in that. I don't see the point in continually slagging off the husband. The trouble with expecting someone to behave badly is it becomes hard not to.

If the husband were seeing the new baby and OP didn't want him to, you would think he was being selfish and inconsiderate and she should leave him.

He is in a no win situation and it is of his own making and he should be sorry, and to be honest, it sounds like he is and he doesn't know what to do for the best. And that is where OP can help to create the future she wants; a different future than she originally dreamed of with him, but a happier one than it currently is. It isn't about letting him get away with anything but it is about, as someone mentioned before, acknowledging the situation that led to the affair in the first place, whilst maintaining that the affair itself was a line that he crossed on his own.

Welshwoofs

cheepskate wrote: »

I would also CHange emails\telephone numbers, there is no reason for her to contact you or your husband.

What, other than her being the Mother of this man's child you mean? Seems to me like a pretty good reason to need to contact him now and then.

As for baby,at the moment you cannot deal with him seeing it, so leave it that way, and mAYBE IN time when you get more used to it then if hubby waNTS TO SEE IT then re think then.

The Op's feelings are totally irrelevant when it comes to this man taking his responsibilities towards his own child seriously. The Op chose to have her husband back knowing he'd fathered a child and part of that decision has to involve accepting that child is going to be part of his life. To do anything else would be cruel and unfair on the only innocent in this situation; the baby.

cheepskate_2

Welshwoofs wrote: »

What, other than her being the Mother of this man's child you mean? Seems to me like a pretty good reason to need to contact him now and then.




The Op's feelings are totally irrelevant when it comes to this man taking his responsibilities towards his own child seriously. The Op chose to have her husband back knowing he'd fathered a child and part of that decision has to involve accepting that child is going to be part of his life. To do anything else would be cruel and unfair on the only innocent in this situation; the baby.

But the ow is not contacting, but harrassing,

The op's hubby has made it plain he doesnt want contact, nothing to do with op, but his choice,

lizzywig

From what you have said I think that OW is probably still in love with your husband and that is why she doesn't want you around their child. I wonder if she wasn't saying this how your husband would feel about being in contact with the child. It seems to me that he hasn't probably chosen you over the child because he thinks it needs to be that cut and dry and to try and show you that he's commited to you.

It's your choice if you take him back and no one can tell you what to do, I would like to think that people would be supportive of this decision because it is your decision and not theirs. Do you go out regulary withouth your husband? It sounds to me like you could do with some good nights out with the girls to help you remember that there is more to life than this particular situation. I also agree that counselling sounds like a sensible idea, perhaps if you talk through some of your feelings it would help you move on.

I also think you should try and get your husband to open up about how he feels about his daughter. If under any circumstances he would want to see her. I don't know anything about this area but I would have thought that he has some access rights and being that you are married and not dangerous (well that's my guess!!) I couldn't see how you would be a threat to the child.

I just wanted to add how impressed i was to read that you pointed out to your husband that your child has a half sister. Given your husbands attitude on this it would be easy enough to burry your head in the sand and pretend she didn't exist.

gallygirl

The hubby's actions are undeniable, but none of us except the OP know how he is on a day to day basis. I get the message he is contrite and doing his best to make amends - maybe he is saying he wants nothing to do with the other child to protect the OP?

OP you have had some very judgemental opinions on here, but you have made your choice and I hope it works out well for you. If your hubby truly loves you he will work hard to regain your trust and go to counselling etc if you think it would help to talk to a 3rd party.

My own personal view would be that, having decided to take him back, knowing about the other baby, and the likliehood of your child coming across them at some stage, I would grit my teeth and tell him to arrange access. You rightly wouldn't have been happy if he had said he didn't want to see his child because the OW wasn't happy - so I think you need to be bigger than the rest of them.

Over time things will change. The pain will lessen and you may be able to find a way to accommodate this child in your life. There is pain involved for you anyway, so ignoring it will not make it go away.

I think, if you felt you had the chance of happiness for your child and yourself with him, you were right to take him back. I sincerely hope things work out for you.

Acc72

RichGold wrote: »

Have you considered that he might have another affair before your child is born and leave with the new woman, having nothing to do with you and your child?

This might sound bad, but I almost hope that happens. Right now you are condoning it happening, so why shouldn't it happen to you?

Essentially you're helping this idiot have his cake and eat it.

This is not a fair comment.

The husband was at fault. The other woman was at fault (assuming that she knew he was already married), but the person who made the comment is not at fault.

It is easy to make generalistic comments without knowing the full facts.

Maybe she still loves her husband and wants to work through this ?
or maybe they are financially tied etc.

MoreOn

RichGold wrote: »

Have you considered that he might have another affair before your child is born and leave with the new woman, having nothing to do with you and your child?

This might sound bad, but I almost hope that happens. Right now you are condoning it happening, so why shouldn't it happen to you?

This is wild speculation in your over active mind and unhelpful to OP

vroombroom

OP I do really feel for you and your daughter x

Bextra, the OW in your case sounds like the woman my father got involved with, the one who had his other child. She was a complete nutcase and harassed my mum until she moved to the other end of the country.

Seanymph

cheepskate wrote: »

But the ow is not contacting, but harrassing,

The op's hubby has made it plain he doesnt want contact, nothing to do with op, but his choice,

You say 'harassing' someone else may see 'contacting'.

Welshwoofs

cheepskate wrote: »

But the ow is not contacting, but harrassing,

Where has that been stated? I've not seen it.


The Op said:

"The OW has emailed him a few times about the baby calling it 'our daughter'; 'your daughter' etc when he has made it clear he will pay but doesn't want anything to do with her (rightly or wrongly) and she has been told to stop contacting him or we will file for harassment"

So basically the Op's spineless husband has threatened this woman with harassment for emailing him "a few times about the baby".