MODS - please delete thread

Welshwoofs

Seems to me that ultimately the one person to suffer the most out of all of this will be your husband's new child with this other woman. That baby has had its Father and paternal Grandparents all turn their backs on it before it's ever had a chance to know them.

How cruel is that?

I'd say that it also appears that your husband spun this woman a right number; after all, when the proverbial hit the fan she left her husband for this relationship, whilst your husband used her as a convenient hotel when you kicked him out before running back to you with his tail between his legs. So he's betrayed you, he's betrayed the OW and most of all he's betrayed a baby who didn't ask for any of this drama.

Whilst I think I could 'work through' an affair and try to repair a marriage, there's not a cat's chance in hell I could work through a situation where a man is so spineless and pathetic that he's willing to discard his own blood at the drop of a hat.

quantumleap

To be honest MoveOn it really doesn't matter what his motives are or how difficult he is getting it. I do appreciate that he is in a difficult position however it is entirely of his own doing.

It's my view that once you have children regardless of whether intentional or not - you have a responsibility, a responsibility to find a way to be there for that child however difficult it might be.

This man (and I use the term lightly!) has without doubt callously casted his child off because it is to difficult to continue to work for a solution - to make matters worse the difficulty is all his own work!

Yes, its a nightmare scenario, a disaster etc. etc. but he needs to make clear to both his wife and his former lover that he intends to be in the childs life and that he will do whatever it takes to ensure that that happens - no matter how difficult it might be! He needs to man up!

heretolearn_2

Moveon, I'm going to return to your original question. The whys and wherefores of your marriage and access and so on are a different issue to that.

Assuming that you stay with your husband, how do you get over what has happened and deal with this going forward? I think you have to just give yourself time and accept that you aren't superhuman, forgive and forget is a nice theory but in reality it takes time for hurt feelings to start to go down. I don't think you will feel 'ok' about all this for quite a long time - but time really is a great healer. And you are self-aware enough to understand that you do need to tackle this and deal with it - I don't get the feeling you'll be holding a grudge over this for years. You will move on emotionally, it just won't be overnight. Chin up!

It must be painful and I can see how the constant reminders make you feel worse. As you say though, this is life now, and you will gradually get used to it and it will become less painful. Knowing something in your mind (she is THEIR baby) and accepting it emotionally are two different things, as you are finding. It will come.

MoreOn

Doh of course it doesn't matter how difficult he's getting it, his feeling, thoughts, motives, actions etc have no influence on OP's emotions, thoughts etc :T

eeeeeee

big hug sounds like you need one ... what are you going too do if he does it again ? i go with the majority ...wait till you get your xmas presents 1st and dump him on new years eve so that he never forgets it!... new year new start and your worth so so much more than this

whitewing

I certainly think you should let your husband read through this thread so he can see how much condemnation you are getting for taking him back.

Seanymph

because of course he's so caring and supportive of others that he'll immediately change his character and start standing up to his responsibilities in life.

bextra1908

OP I feel your pain – I genuinely do

I have registered under another username, although I am a regular poster here. The reason being that I am in the exact same situation as you (and to extent I do feel ashamed of my situation hence the new username) so I just wanted to make sure you don’t feel alone.

I was with my OH for about a year when he had an affair, got the other woman pregnant and now has a 16 month old son. We have no children together, but do plan to soon. He also has nothing to do with the other woman and the baby and never has done throughout her pregnancy, birth and the child’s life so far. (Would just like to add that I’m not proud of this, but am telling the truth, so it might as well me the whole ugly truth!). The main reason for this is that she took an immediate dislike to me, and started to harass me. I’m talking obsessive text messages, phone calls in the middle of the night, scratching my car, writing profanities on my car window in her make up, sending letters to my boss and trying to sabotage my job etc. This was all dealt with quickly by the police. They went round to see her (whilst she was pregnant) and warned her not to contact me again. She has done from time to time since but nothing as bad as it was. It started to take over my life. I felt threatened by the woman. I had no idea what she looked like or who she really was so actually became scared of going into town and bumping into her. I also felt so angry with my OH for putting me in such an awful situation but I still loved him and wanted to be with him. That kind of conflict in your emotions is very, very hard to deal with. I felt embarrassed, humiliated, be-litted, shaken, ashamed, jealous, mortified, beyond upset, angry, devastated – all of the above!

I know exactly what you mean about things coming through (phone, post) from the CSA etc. My OH received varying pay each month, so does have pretty frequent contact with the CSA, and it makes me feel physically sick even now when an envelope smacks on the mat, just to remind me of the situation. My OH’s grandmother also has regular contact with the child, and sometimes mentions it in passing (she is elderly and doesn’t do it maliciously) and that is like having a stake driven through my heart, even now.

I can’t offer anything but support OP. It’s so very hard .... trust me, I’ve been there and still am to some extent, but it does somehow became less ‘raw’ over time. You just have to remember – you’re a good person, and you have done what you think is the right thing by your family and no-one should judge you for that, or tell you you’ve made the wrong choice, unless they have walked in your shoes. You’re OH is hellishly lucky that you’ve allowed him to stay, so I’d remind him of that. I can’t say whether you should stay or go. I stayed and things are much better now, but only you will know the ins and outs of your own situation

Take care of yourself. You are your kid(s) are always number one

x

RichGold

bextra1908 wrote: »

We have no children together, but do plan to soon. He also has nothing to do with the other woman and the baby and never has done throughout her pregnancy, birth and the child’s life so far.

Have you considered that he might have another affair before your child is born and leave with the new woman, having nothing to do with you and your child?

This might sound bad, but I almost hope that happens. Right now you are condoning it happening, so why shouldn't it happen to you?

Essentially you're helping this idiot have his cake and eat it.

cheepskate_2

Yes , you can get the trust back and get back to how you were.

I split with my partner due to his affair(thankfully no children were made i hope.) I split for a few years as i would not take him back until i was ready, now 13 years down the line we are still toghether very happily.

Ours was probably very similar to your situation in that it was an affair, where he didnt want to leave our family unit, when he got found out Family and did everything to try and get us back.

BUT you have to deal with this in whatever way suits you.

For a start I would not post on here about it , people have their own opinions/agenda and if others comments make you upset and start arguing again then that is not helping.

Everybody will give you their opinion doesn't mean to say its best for you and your family.

Ignore firends and family saying your a a fool for taking him back, you have made a choice for what you think is best for you and your family, they should be supporting your decision either way.

Stop listning to them.

You have to decide if you want to forgive or not, if you do and then argue about it , then whats the point of being together. You hold the key to it working.

I would also change emails\telephone numbers, there is no reason for her to contact you or your husband. If an injunction is needed then get it, she has had a hand in ruining your relationship once, dont allow her to do it again.

As for baby,at the moment you cannot deal with him seeing it, so leave it that way, and maybe in time when you get more used to it then if hubby wants to see it then you can re think about it then.

Op you have to think what you want, not whatever anybody else would do,

As for the OW , she didnt think of you, so dont be soft on her as you seem a nice person.