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FBaby

alias*alibi wrote: »

His reply was I was in the same house but that doesn't mean I wanted any part of it. I went along with it because I felt I had no choice but I wasn't happy and she (OW) knew that.

That statement would have rang alarm bells to my ears. Here he is again portraiting himself as a victim, not taking responsibility for his actions. Is it the same type of statement he made to OW when he went to her? That he wasn't happy with you for years, but went along with it because you had a child together? He must have said something to her to make her belief they had a chance at a relationship.

alias*alibi

FBaby wrote: »

That statement would have rang alarm bells to my ears. Here he is again portraiting himself as a victim, not taking responsibility for his actions. Is it the same type of statement he made to OW when he went to her? That he wasn't happy with you for years, but went along with it because you had a child together? He must have said something to her to make her belief they had a chance at a relationship.

Yes he told her quite a few lies at the beginning; I know he painted me in a very bad light. It didn't ring alarm bells because I know before the OW got pregnant he wanted his family back but unfortunately neither of us would back down and apologise then the inevitable happened.

FBaby

alias*alibi wrote: »

I know before the OW got pregnant he wanted his family back but unfortunately neither of us would back down and apologise then the inevitable happened.

Are you really sure about that? I'm not asking because I think you are naive or anything like that, but I know how manipulative cheats can be, not so much because they enjoy playing with people's feelings, but because they are constantly trying to save their butt so that in the end, they get what they want when they want it.

If he was so sure he wanted to get back with you, even if you gave him no good vibes, why didn't he leave her to try to conquer you back? Surely that would have been more convincing than staying with her whilst trying to convince you he wanted to be with you instead. If he was certain he wanted his family back, why oh why didn't he insure there was no way she could get pregnant? I had a few boyfriends in my life who were certain they didn't want to become dads and they made sure of it, even though I was on the pill and told them so. Surely if he had a little bit of a brain, he would have taken into consideration the possibility that falling pregnant is what she could have attempted to do if she was desperate to keep him. What prompted him to come back to you in the end?

Maybe he is totally honest but if I were in your shoes, however much I would want to believe that he has changed, I would naturally be very cautious. It is so easy to say what you know the other vulnerable person is desperate to hear.

clearingout

the problem is, he's lied. Doesn't matter how you look at it, he's lied for all the wrong reasons. How on earth can you possibly know that he didn't want her to get pregnant? For all you know they were at it like rabbits with the sole purpose of getting pregnant (sorry, that's crass, but you see my point?). She may well have been honest about wanting a child with him and he may have gone along with that. Hindsight would make it a silly thing to have gone along with but who knows whether that made sense to him at the time? It suits him to have you believe that he's the victim - that she went after him, despite being married. That she couldn't have children with her husband so she deliberately set out to have a child with your husband. I know one very sensible lady who got pregnant with twins whilst both on the Pill and using condoms! It happened and it happens - every day to people who are least expecting it and who are taking the appropriate precautions.

He was probably careless, yes. And she may well have taken advantage of his carelessness - but you can never know exactly what happened, can you?

I feel very strongly that you are focusing on the baby and the mother and not on HIM. He's the one who messed about and he may well be grateful to have a second chance, but what is he doing about it? Do you feel he's grateful? Has anything changed? Have you together addressed whatever it is that he says made him want to sleep with someone else in the first place? I also feel strongly that you are letting him walk all over you - you're trying not to let it happen but he's there, in your bed, getting his meals cooked and having the benefit of his family every day. He's not actually having to live with consequences of his actions. He's actually getting off scott free (aside from 15% of his income), isn't he? I'm not suggesting he needs to be punished or that there is suitable punishment but it's you in counselling, not him!

And his parents don't want to know the baby? well, there's the source of your problems right there. Decent parents would be ashamed of their child's behaviour - married with children, having affairs and getting someone else pregnant. They may well struggle to come to terms with it but essentially, by ignoring the child, they're saying it's all her fault and he's getting off scott free. We condone the 'scarlett woman' in society rather than the person doing the cheating. Something really, really has to shift with that one!

I have always said that I would have respected my ex if he'd looked me in the eye and been honest. Not brutally honest - I didn't need details - but just honest along with some recognition that his actions must have hurt me. I'm coming up 3 years - and I'm still waiting for even a tiny flicker of recognition. I have no respect for him at all. It's not good for our children.

Dinah93

alias*alibi wrote: »

Yes he told her quite a few lies at the beginning; I know he painted me in a very bad light. It didn't ring alarm bells because I know before the OW got pregnant he wanted his family back but unfortunately neither of us would back down and apologise then the inevitable happened.

He wanted you back so much he kept climbing on top of someone else? If I wanted my family back I sure would be doing my best to show them that, living in a hostel or on a mate's floor or in my car if need be. Living with the mistress would say he wanted a woman, and he'd have preferred you but she was what was available, rather than him being willing to put up any kind of effort or fight for his wife and child.

I know you're all in a really difficult situation here, but I can't see how this isn't just going to keep hurting you and your child over and over again for years until you finally pull the plug.

Kay_Peel

I think that you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself by trying to do a variety of things at once. You are trying to:
* rebuild your marriage
* heal the wounds of the affair
* deal with the OW's communications
* figure out how the new baby fits in
* bring up your child, run a home and pick up your own life again.

You would be superwoman if you weren't struggling to cope with that lot. So give yourself some credit for being human.

I think you've got to box off the things that you can't control and can have no effect on, at the moment. Concentrate on the things that you can control and manage - your relationship with your OH, the attempt to come to terms with what's happened through counselling perhaps, and running your home.

Ask OH to give you some space. He must not bother you with any conversation about the OW and the new baby for the next three months at least. Shut it out. Don't read the emails. Don't look at correspondence from the CSA or whoever. Put the phone down if she rings your home. Just focus on healing your grief, your pain, your anger and see how you manage. It may take longer than 3 months - it may take a year or two before you're ready to face the other things on my list (above).

But you can't fix the whole lot at one go, in my view.

Best wishes to you

stormbreaker

I've not read through all the thread but regardless of what he has done and what others think you have made your choice to have him back. You now need to work on that relationship and whatever it may bring. It was never going to be easy and another child in the equation makes it even harder. Take a deep breath and work on the good things, one step at a time,it will never be as you had always wanted, but I think you already know that!

Pisces

Hi OP, I just wanted to offer you my support. Your situation doesn't sound great, but you sound very level headed and well done for trying to keep your marriage together. This is your life, and your decisions and it doesn't really matter what anyone else says, because only you know how you feel.

I'm sure there are tough times ahead, I hope you continue to find the strength within yourself to see them through.

determined_new_ms

Hi op I've just read through this thread. Wanted to lend you some cyber-sisterhood-support. This sounds like a living nightmare that must be incredibly hard to deal with right now. My advice, for what its worth, is you need time to get ur head around everything that is happening and then when you've done that you can decide how you will go forward. No one has the right to judget the decisions you make about your marriage, only you can know what you have and therefore only you can decide what is right for you right now.

For what its worth I do agree your husband is not taking responsinlity for his actions. He has a child and whatever the circumstances surrounding its conception I believe he doesn't have the right to ignore his obligation to this person. The father of my children did this and it has had a massively damaging & far reaching impact on all of our lives - well except for him as far as I know but who knows he may feel the deep regret & guilt I feel as a parent, but I doubt it.

Once you get your head around the situation if you decide to rebuild your marriage then you need to be able to work through & process the stuff that has gone on together. Couples need to be able to argue constructively. One way of doing this is taking it in turns of say 3-5 mins to say your piece and then the other responds to this/asks questions etc. You need to keep these discussions short and especially at the beginning and then afterwards take some time to cool down and do something else. I personally believe peopel can't get over these kind of relatioship problems unless you can communicate effectively. I think if you don't speak honestly about these problems, ask the questions you need to & get honest answers then you can't forgive & move on. Its also important that there needs to be an agreed time when you will put the things that have happened behind and look to the future.

I wish you all the best x

MoreOn

There are too many people pushing OP into leaving her OH, I find that appalling that posts on this forum have encouraged that thought.

OP needs support to think things through not a bombardment of biased views that are based on circumstances, people and time that is very different from her's and her families..

As for him, people make mistakes end of, in my world it's what happens after that that counts, if we all thought people cannot change when they made a mistake then this world wouldn't be worth much..