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paddy's_mum

My heart breaks for you but do you know what, I feel almost as sad for the OW! Your disgrace of a husband has led the OW a merry dance, and no mistake. What do his own parents have to say of him? (Please don't tell me they have been kept in the dark and still think he's God's gift to the world!)

Poor, poor little kids. Whatever did either of them do to deserve all this now and future unhappiness?

OP - perhaps you should stop blaming the OW and start treating your husband as he deserves to be treated. A bit of cold shoulder might bring it all home to him unless of course you secretly dread that a week or two in the doghouse will send him out to perpetrate cruelty upon you once again.

whitewing

My heart does not bleed for the OW as she was married too when they began the affair, as far as I understood.

I do however feel quite sad at the whole horrible mess of it. I feel sad for the grandmother as she is in a no win situation and it must hurt so much to see her daughter in so much pain and have to be civil to TH.

clearingout

I have been thinking about this overnight.

On what basis is your reconciliation? Is it you that is having to accept what he's done, you that's having to make changes, you that's having to go to counselling (I think you have said you are in counselling)? What's he doing exactly? What assurances has he put in place that this won't happen again? What changes is he having to make to be with you? Is he in counselling? If you're not in counselling together, why not?

My ex attempted to come back to me on at least 3 occasions (possibly more but I didn't always pick up the signs - he was very subtle about it all) and on each occasion, it quickly became all about me. All about how I had to change, what I had to do to be with him, and it was me that was supposed to go to counselling to 'sort yourself out'. Yet it was him who'd had the affair and done a whole host of other particularly nasty and unpleasant things to me! I absolutely recognise that our relationship wasn't perfect, but no way on earth was I going to grovel and bow down to the Mr Mighty Clearingout to be 'allowed' in his life. It's him who should have been grovelling!

If I'm barking up the wrong tree, I apologise. Is your husband suitably ashamed of his affair and is he trying to make ammends or is it all about you having to cope with it any which way you can muster?

adamantine

clearingout wrote: »

I have been thinking about this overnight.

On what basis is your reconciliation? Is it you that is having to accept what he's done, you that's having to make changes, you that's having to go to counselling (I think you have said you are in counselling)? What's he doing exactly? What assurances has he put in place that this won't happen again? What changes is he having to make to be with you? Is he in counselling? If you're not in counselling together, why not?

My ex attempted to come back to me on at least 3 occasions (possibly more but I didn't always pick up the signs - he was very subtle about it all) and on each occasion, it quickly became all about me. All about how I had to change, what I had to do to be with him, and it was me that was supposed to go to counselling to 'sort yourself out'. Yet it was him who'd had the affair and done a whole host of other particularly nasty and unpleasant things to me! I absolutely recognise that our relationship wasn't perfect, but no way on earth was I going to grovel and bow down to the Mr Mighty Clearingout to be 'allowed' in his life. It's him who should have been grovelling!

If I'm barking up the wrong tree, I apologise. Is your husband suitably ashamed of his affair and is he trying to make ammends or is it all about you having to cope with it any which way you can muster?

you were married to my ex too?!:rotfl:

it was always that i had pushed him to it, i needed to sort myself out, i needed to lose weight blah blah blah blah

in the end my children deserved mummy to be happy and live in a house where dread didnt descent whenever he came home and started being aggressive and shouting his mouth off.

maybe there are issues you both need to work on but mainly its him who needs to change. he stepped outside of the marriage vows and destroyed your trust. he needs to earn it back.

FBaby

totally agree with clearingout post. Are you actually both clear as to the reasons that lead to have an affair? Affairs are always wrong, but in many cases, there are valid issues that makes the person feel unhappy and then vulnerable when something comes along that looks like it could sort out the unhappiness/confusion/frustration etc... If the reason for his affair hasn't been explored and digested, I can't see how you can move on with the issue of the child in addition. You say yout hubby doesn't open up well and I don't see how you can make it work unless he learns to do so. There is so much talking you can do to try to get him to talk. Do you even know why he decided to come back to you? No doubt because he really loves you, but why at this stage?

Seanymph

.' So yes, I have walked that mile in the OW's shoes myself a year ago when she was merrily having sex with my husband.'

I picked this up from earlier, but brought it forward on copy to see if anyone else addressed it.

Your HUSBAND was having sex with her. She made you no promises, no vows, she had no relationship with you, she owed you nothing (except for common sisterhood). He on the other hand had committed himself to you - promised to you - borne children with you - set up home with you.

Yet you are angry at her!!

Does it make it easier for you emotionally to blame her? Play at happy families when inside you are raging and angry? Pretend he is 'your' man when quite clearly he doesn't see himself that way?

He is with you because right now, in this window, it suits him. If it stops suiting him he'll do what suits him at that point - leave you, seek sex elsewhere, abandon your children instead of hers.......... boy he's a peach.

Your anger is not at her. It may take you a long time to learn this and allow yourself to be emotionally honest with yourself - but your anger is with him. You are denying it, because if you don't you 'risk' losing him. Some risk huh? But you are desperately clawing onto something that has already left - and that realisation will be awful, for your kids it should come sooner, but chances are it won't.

You are, quite rightly, furious - you are trying to 'sort' that by counselling and justifying and 'doing the right thing' - but actually what you need to do is get angry with the man who did this to you - not the woman who was as much a victim of his lies and self centredness as you are - and CERTAINLY not the child they conceived together.

If he's treating that child - HIS child - that badly why on earth do you think he'll treat yours any better next time he goes.

No wonder your mother is keeping quiet, you obviously are deluding yourself and she's waiting for it all to come down around your ears. This child, and this woman, will not be going away any time soon. But even if they do you still have the source of the pain in your house, living with you, and you have children totally dependent upon him emotionally.

Put the blame where it belongs - let her ex husband deal with what has gone on between them - and start dealing with what your husband has done to you without protecting him by blaming her.

He sounds a peach.

Valli

adamantine wrote: »

and just playing devils advocate here, has you hubby asked for a DNA test? you said she was married when they had the affair. there is a chance he isnt the bio father.

What bound him to the OP was a child

IMO opinion that's why the OW got pregnant by him - to keep him.

Because she knew his marriage vows weren't sufficient.

So I don't doubt this baby is his, too.

VestanPance

What ever he is he sure isn't a man. Cheats on his wife and then abandons a child.

It seems you've taken him back for the sake of your child but going on this sleazebags behaviour can you honestly forgive him and trust that he won't abandon not only you but your child too?

jungle_jane

if you do decide to stay with your husband and that he will be a father to the child, you will become this child's stepmother. That's a difficult role, especially with a hostile BM and a deadbeat (sorry but he's not sounding like anything else) dad to be co-parenting with.

The OW doesn't get to decide on whether or not you play a part in the child's life - if your OH applies for a decent amount of custody via the courts (which i think he should do seeing as its his daughter) then he is responsible for the child during contact and unless you are a danger to the child you can be part of that if he wants. I would imagine when the child is younger that a lot of the parenting will fall to you anyhow unless your husband is great at making baby food, changing nappies and wiping bums?

I think you may have a mountain to climb OP. The bad vibe with your geezer at the moment is only the tip of the iceberg in terms of the drama to a come when you get down to active stepmothering and continued hostility with the OW. If you are serious about moving forward in this relationship then it sounds to me like all three of you adults need to consider some hardcore mediation together and counselling (as a couple and individual for yourself).

I will PM you a link that you may find useful...

clearingout

adamantine wrote: »

you were married to my ex too?!:rotfl:

it was always that i had pushed him to it, i needed to sort myself out, i needed to lose weight blah blah blah blah

in the end my children deserved mummy to be happy and live in a house where dread didnt descent whenever he came home and started being aggressive and shouting his mouth off.

maybe there are issues you both need to work on but mainly its him who needs to change. he stepped outside of the marriage vows and destroyed your trust. he needs to earn it back.

Sadly, I think way too many of us were married to this man! I too need to sort myself and lose weight...you'd think they could come up with something a bit more original, wouldn't you?!!!! I didn't take mine back - although I was prepared to go to counselling and try and work through it. He made one appointment at Relate to show his 'commitment'. I turned up, he didn't. Enough said!

OP - hope you are OK today and you are able to talk to your husband and start working things through. Just remember he needs to commit to this process as well.