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MoreOn

I really feel for you and i couldn't imagine how you're managing x

You need to place boundaries which are right for you.

I question whether your OH isn't distancing the child to distance himself from the perception he'll having an affair again and trying in his own way to gain you faith in him... In this instance you may need to take the lead...

vroombroom

I really feel for you hun and if it were me, I'd leave.

My dad had two other kids whilst married to my mum - one was conceived a few months after they married and the second was during another affair where the OW harrassed my mum and posted positive DNA tests to her at work and home.

I have no contact with my father, nor these boys. The youngest is around 11/12 now and the eldest is about 34 - he has tried to contact me on FB but I blocked him. No desire to meet either.

alias*alibi

FBaby wrote: »

Don't forget to separate what you feel is the right thing to do and what is what you feel deep inside. You might be saying to your partner that the baby should be integrated in your life, yet you say that any letter received is making you miserable. If a simple letter has this effect, how will you feel when you see that child who might look just like her dad, or worse maybe just like her mum calling your husband daddy, telling him how much she loves him, seeing them sharing intimate moments? It's hard enough to experience is as a step-parent, let alone when it involves lies and deception. I'm not saying that it isn't possible, but it will take a lot more than good will and intentions to mak it work.

Good points, thanks. I think I am still in turmoil over it all and been burying my head like an ostrich. I desperately want the right thing to be done but you have made some good points which are food for thought. I know what my husband has done / continues to do is dispicable. I know the baby is an innocent in all of this and no way is this her fault. I feel totally ashamed sometimes in all honestly for feeling nothing but hatred about the whole thing. Some days I am elated, then I remember and come crashing down.

alias*alibi

MoreOn wrote: »

I really feel for you and i couldn't imagine how you're managing x

You need to place boundaries which are right for you.

I question whether your OH isn't distancing the child to distance himself from having an affair again and trying in his own way he's faithful to you... In this instance you may need to take the lead...

This has also crossed my mind. If he has no contact with the baby he has no contact with the OW. If he does have contact then there is always that chance that if we were going through a bad patch he could get back with her so he is distancing himself. But then again he should be man enough and love me enough to know the consequences and fight any urge he has.

Like my mum said, I can analyse it til the cows come home but I will never really know the truth, I will never really know how he feels about the baby as my husband is a rather closed book and doesn't show emotion often.

paddy's_mum

alias*alibi wrote: »

I'm the one who suggested a way forward, a way of integrating the baby into our lives. He is the one who doesn't think it would work

Also, I should let my husband go and let him have a relationship with the baby he bore through an affair so he forgoes a relationship with our child which was born into our marriage??

"LET" doesn't come into it and the sooner you grasp that concept, the happier and more clear-sighted you will be. He is more than capable of fathering and creating and sustaining a successful relationship with 20 children, if he so chooses.

What's to stop this s^&* abandoning both of you women and your children once again and carry on in the same vein? Can you be sure that this won't arise again a few years down the line? Why would your child be more important to him than any of the others since he has already shown you that the marriage vows mean little to him?

While I totally agree that a marriage is (or should be) more solid and substantial than a fly-by-night affair, you do not know what lies he told her..as someone already pointed out, she may be just as much a victim as you and as such deserves your pity. You're angry with the wrong person, can't you see that?

Do you know who I feel sorriest for? The innocent children - victims of their father's immaturity, selfish behaviour and utter callousness ... how is "I don't know" a deeply thought out and intelligent response?

I wish you luck, OP, and the wisdom to pick your way through to happiness once again.

thorsoak

Last year, he left you with a baby and had unprotected sex with another woman, he has left her and returned to you.....does this not show the start of a pattern?

In your shoes, I would ensure that my contraception was 110% foolproof - by not sleeping with the Charmer!

Seriously - is he worth keeping?

alias*alibi

paddy's_mum wrote: »

"LET" doesn't come into it and the sooner you grasp that concept, the happier and more clear-sighted you will be. He is more than capable of fathering and creating and sustaining a successful relationship with 20 children, if he so chooses.

What's to stop this s^&* abandoning both of you women and your children once again and carry on in the same vein? Can you be sure that this won't arise again a few years down the line? Why would your child be more important to him than any of the others since he has already shown you that the marriage vows mean little to him?

While I totally agree that a marriage is (or should be) more solid and substantial than a fly-by-night affair, you do not know what lies he told her..as someone already pointed out, she may be just as much a victim as you and as such deserves your pity. You're angry with the wrong person, can't you see that?

Do you know who I feel sorriest for? The innocent children - victims of their father's immaturity, selfish behaviour and utter callousness ... how is "I don't know" a deeply thought out and intelligent response?

I wish you luck, OP, and the wisdom to pick your way through to happiness once again.

Thanks Paddys Mum. Honestly, all views are being taken on board, digested and churned about. I know I am directing my anger all at the OW and they are both to blame but she knew he was married with a child, she was married and had step-children and I know she was the one who initiated the affair so she is getting the brunt of my anger I admit.

I think me and the husband (can't even bear to write DH) are going to have to have some serious talking. Our child is at grandparents latter half of this week so we have some time to really thrash this out.

Thanks to everyone for replying. Its all taken on board x

paddy's_mum

alias*alibi wrote: »

Like my mum said, I can analyse it til the cows come home but I will never really know the truth, I will never really know how he feels about the baby as my husband is a rather closed book and doesn't show emotion often.

Interesting. What else does your Mum say?

Usually, they love us whatever stupidity we've done and life itself has given them a great deal of knowledge based upon their own experiences (which of course they'll never reveal to us, heaven forbid!) and many, many times their wisdom is hard and painfully earned.

Mums usually know their children inside out and it may be that your Mum is far, far more aware than you begin to understand.

MoreOn

alias*alibi wrote: »

But then again he should be man enough and love me enough to know the consequences and fight any urge he has.

I'm not seeing it as an urge, more of him trying his hardest to build faith with you and if necessary he is willing to sacrifice his relationship with his child for you...

If that is the case you need to lead his relationship with his child, but when you're ready

alias*alibi

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Interesting. What else does your Mum say?

Usually, they love us whatever stupidity we've done and life itself has given them a great deal of knowledge based upon their own experiences (which of course they'll never reveal to us, heaven forbid!) and many, many times their wisdom is hard and painfully earned.

Mums usually know their children inside out and it may be that your Mum is far, far more aware than you begin to understand.

Oh she is very aware. She went through the pain, hurt and humiliation with me last year. She was on the end of the phone for hours at a time. She knows me inside out; she even said to me before I told her I was thinking about trying again 'you have to do what you think is right for you'. My mum hated the ground my husband walked on last year because of the devastation he caused me and our child. She wouldn't had !!!!!! on him if he was on fire. I think she is holding her tongue at the moment. If it all goes belly up again I know I will get the inevitable 'I knew it wouldn't work, too much water has passed under the bridge' but at the moment she is keeping mum.