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alias*alibi

pinkclouds wrote: »

Could I please point out that you not having a relationship with the other child does not have to preclude your husband from doing so?

Very true; but how can that work in the long run? My child never being introduced to their half sister and the half sister never meeting her extended family? I dunno, my brain hurts.

whitewing

Did your husband have an affair as such, or had you already split up and he got a new girlfriend? I understand that you were married, but were you married and separated? I think this will make a little bit of a difference to how to handle OW.

I think it is unrealistic to expect you to have no contact with the baby. However, you don't have to have contact at the moment.

Does your child know about the sibling?

You don't have to make decisions right now. Just cope with as much as you can handle for the moment.

tessie_bear

its all very sad....id cut my losses and show him the door....are u hopeful he wont do the same again....id try and find a nice man.....another point is that the baby isnt going to go away and as he/she gets older i would think the situation would get more complicated

take care

Emmzi

1. the new child has rights which everyone seems to be ignoring - the right to know "dad"

2. unless OW is providing a list of her friends so your husband can veto anyone inappropriate it is hypocritical of her to forbid you from having contact. Have OH collect baby for visitation and he may do as he wishes

3. if the above makes you feel ill, you are not going to be able to act in the best interests of the child, and should consider your next move carefully.

meritaten

I DO have sympathy for you - your situation is horrendous.

But, your OH sounds just like my DILs father - a total waste of space! while he was married to DILs mum he fathered a few children and walked away from them all - until he found someone else, then walked away from his wife and kids.
You say you WANT to love him - WHY? you wont get back what you had before....thats impossible with all thats happened. if it happens again - will you take him back?
I would be very wary of a man who would father a child and then walk away from it - and I know some of DILs half brothers and sisters - they all hate him - so does DIL and the children from subsequent marraiges. He caused heartbreak for three women he married and countless others who had his children. up to now its 26 kids - I have nothing but contempt for him - I not only wouldnt pi$$ on him if he was on fire - I would chuck some petrol on.

Smiling_Ducky

alias*alibi wrote: »

The OW has told me I am not allowed anywhere near her child ever; so forging a relationship is well out of the question at the moment.

Just a comment on this section - if your husband decides he does want contact with his daughter, there is nothing the OW can do if you are there - unless she can prove that you will harm the child or put her at severe risk
I enquired about this, with a solicitor, when the father of my son wanted him having contact with his then girlfriend.
This was a few years ago and it may have changed but as far as i'm aware it hasnt.

alias*alibi

whitewing wrote: »

Did your husband have an affair as such, or had you already split up and he got a new girlfriend? I understand that you were married, but were you married and separated? I think this will make a little bit of a difference to how to handle OW.

I think it is unrealistic to expect you to have no contact with the baby. However, you don't have to have contact at the moment.

Does your child know about the sibling?

You don't have to make decisions right now. Just cope with as much as you can handle for the moment.

They had an affair; we were 100% still together when I found out. They both denied it at first, both lying for one another at the beginning. She also left her husband within days of me finding out about the affair.

Yes, our child knows about the sibling and their reaction to that was heartbreaking to watch.

gratefulforhelp_2

alias*alibi wrote: »

It will be a merry old fight through the courts to get him parental responsibility and access as she wants me no where near the baby. Understandably when I found out I was beyond angry and pretty much told her in so many words. She is saying due to the venom shown when she was pregnant I am never allowed near 'their' daughter. She will say 'theirs' at every opportunity to get at me. I know its a matter of fact but even so, it grates. Of course, no judge in the land will prevent contact with extended family (I have a full CRB due to my work) and pose no risk so I know she wouldn't have a leg to stand on in the long run but I don't think I have the will or the energy to persue it.

You are correct, her wish that you are not involved will not hold much weight.

So if you get your H to tell her you (as a couple) will want contact, then maybe the "harassment" will stop?;)

DUTR

alias*alibi wrote: »

It will be a merry old fight through the courts to get him parental responsibility and access as she wants me no where near the baby. Understandably when I found out I was beyond angry and pretty much told her in so many words. She is saying due to the venom shown when she was pregnant I am never allowed near 'their' daughter. She will say 'theirs' at every opportunity to get at me. I know its a matter of fact but even so, it grates. Of course, no judge in the land will prevent contact with extended family (I have a full CRB due to my work) and pose no risk so I know she wouldn't have a leg to stand on in the long run but I don't think I have the will or the energy to persue it.

Only you and time will know that, one thing for sure, it is a difficult position right now, and I don't think any reader envies any of the parties in this situation.
Long term good luck

clearingout

alias*alibi wrote: »

Very true; but how can that work in the long run? My child never being introduced to their half sister and the half sister never meeting her extended family? I dunno, my brain hurts.

it's not sustainable long term. I suggest if you are going to stay together, you both need to work out what you are going to do about his other child. It clearly isn't sitting comfortable with you as it stands. Your daughter can of course have a relationship with her half-sister, providing you're prepared to be the bigger person and let her accompany dad when he sees her....it is you that is going to get left out, isn't it? and that's not OK. Plenty of step-families muddle along, there are plenty of new people who are hated by the old people but court orders and a bit of persistence generally overcome reluctance to 'allow' a relationship.

You have two options, I think:
a) you continue to ignore the other child and the other woman, live in close proximity and have her hassle you and have constant reminders that she exists but that no one is doing anything about it.
b) you take a deep breath and you stand by your husband and you fight for contact with his daughter and you remain dignified and learn to love her and learn to deal with the other woman.

Neither is an easy option, is it?