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whitewing

I don't blame you in the slightest for handling it badly. Your daughter will forget your actions if you start focusing on being positive.

Does OW have other children?

Don't worry too much about your CRB check. I spent years avoiding everything that may affect everything else. That's a feature of deep sadness. You get scared of anything and overworry but it doesn't go away. We will help you if the situation starts to escalate, long before it gets to the point of affecting your CRB.

alias*alibi

whitewing wrote: »

I don't blame you in the slightest for handling it badly. Your daughter will forget your actions if you start focusing on being positive.

Does OW have other children?

Don't worry too much about your CRB check. I spent years avoiding everything that may affect everything else. That's a feature of deep sadness. You get scared of anything and overworry but it doesn't go away. We will help you if the situation starts to escalate, long before it gets to the point of affecting your CRB.

No, OW doesn't have any other children and I believe one of the bones of contention in her marriage as he did and he didn't want anymore.

I'm not worried about my CRB; what I was trying to say is that I'm hardly a risk to her baby if I have to have an enhanced CRB check for work. However I do work in children's services so I don't need her to cause me any grief in that area.

Person_one

I just want to add, there is someone (now an adult) in my family who was in the exact position that your husband's baby daughter is in. They've had a really really tough time, resented to some extent by pretty much every adult around them, feeling unwanted, unloved, unwelcome and not having any stability with regard to contact with their 'dad' and their half siblings.

They always, even as an adult, seem so sad. I know its hard right now but please remember that this baby is as much a victim as anybody else, if not more so.

rachbc

its more than the CSA that is a reminder of what he has done - there is a an innocent baby who has done nothing to deserve totally rejection from her father, a baby that will become a child and eventually an adult who may try and trace and contact her father. This is about way more than paying a few quid a month for 18 years - this is her entire life and you need to accept that - it ain't going to go away. If you can't do that then you should let him go so he can have a relationship, of whatever sort, with her

alias*alibi

rachbc wrote: »

its more than the CSA that is a reminder of what he has done - there is a an innocent baby who has done nothing to deserve totally rejection from her father, a baby that will become a child and eventually an adult who may try and trace and contact her father. This is about way more than paying a few quid a month for 18 years - this is her entire life and you need to accept that - it ain't going to go away. If you can't do that then you should let him go so he can have a relationship, of whatever sort, with her

I'm the one who suggested a way forward, a way of integrating the baby into our lives. He is the one who doesn't think it would work. Whether that is because he can't face the baby's mother I don't know. At the end of the day, she isn't my baby, I can only ask him what he wants to do, which at this present time is nothing. The CSA isn't about the money, I mentioned it as its a reminder of what happened.

Also, I should let my husband go and let him have a relationship with the baby he bore through an affair so he forgoes a relationship with our child which was born into our marriage??

FBaby

lostinrates wrote: »

I wouldn't think too much about ''never'' or ''forever'' it will always make everyones brain hurt.

I very much agree with this. You can't predict how things will turn up. However mad it might seem now, you can't even dismiss that you could one day be friendly with OW, but of you hating your husband.

I see two things here that are ultimately wrong:
- you are focussing on your partner's affair and thinking that if you can trust he won't cheat again, things might be ok. The problem is not the affair per se, but the fact your husband is showing himself to be blatantly self-centered in his decisions and actions. Most people who have affairs are anyway, but the fact that he then makes the decision to have no contact with his child because what suits HIM is to have what he wants NOW, a good family life with his wife and child. Life is not about what you want at a particular time in life and justifying why you have a good reason to want it, but about taking on what life has thrown at you and dealing with/enjoying it in such a way to make the best of it. I suspect your husband is incapable of such thinking.
- you are directing your anger towards the OW and building a conflict when you should go the exact opposite direction. Understandbly, you are compairing yourself and your life to her/s. You want to prove to her that your man is yours and so is your family. She is doing the exact same thing. All this resulting in meaningless provocations, her by referring to the baby as 'theirs/his', you by driving to her place when you had no need to be there at all.

You have been put in a situation that only very few women could cope with which could only be worthy of salavaging if you could forget your husband 100% (with good reasons) and somehow find enough humility to let the anger and upset wash over you and allow you to accept that child as she rightly deserve to be. I certainly couldn't do it.

However much it must be tempted to try to go back and find happiness if the life you had before it all happened, however much you might want to go on with life ignoring what is there, you won't be able to erase it. The child is there, the mother will always have some sort of link with your husband. You will always be vulnerable of finding yourself in a situation and with feelings you can't control.

You have two choices, moving on, which however haunting it might seem might not be so bad long term, or accept that your life with your husband will never be the same, but you can make it ok and be happy again accepting fully that he has another child.

alias*alibi

Person_one wrote: »

I just want to add, there is someone (now an adult) in my family who was in the exact position that your husband's baby daughter is in. They've had a really really tough time, resented to some extent by pretty much every adult around them, feeling unwanted, unloved, unwelcome and not having any stability with regard to contact with their 'dad' and their half siblings.

They always, even as adults, seem so sad. I know its hard right now but please remember that this baby is as much a victim as anybody else, if not more so.

I have asked him what he would do if she came looking for him in 18 years and all he does is say don't know. I know there is a good chance she may try to find him. Saying that, my mum left my dad when I was little more than a year old due to domestic violence. He shipped off to Scotland where the child maintenance laws couldn't touch him, re-married and went on to have more children. I've never been inclined to find him. I know what he did to my mum, I know my mum is the one who raised me so I don't need to know anything about my dad. I would agree that having no father figure certainly makes for a tough life and ultimately some wrong choices in men!

FBaby

alias*alibi wrote: »

I'm the one who suggested a way forward, a way of integrating the baby into our lives. He is the one who doesn't think it would work. Whether that is because he can't face the baby's mother I don't know. At the end of the day, she isn't my baby, I can only ask him what he wants to do, which at this present time is nothing. The CSA isn't about the money, I mentioned it as its a reminder of what happened.

Don't forget to separate what you feel is the right thing to do and what is what you feel deep inside. You might be saying to your partner that the baby should be integrated in your life, yet you say that any letter received is making you miserable. If a simple letter has this effect, how will you feel when you see that child who might look just like her dad, or worse maybe just like her mum calling your husband daddy, telling him how much she loves him, seeing them sharing intimate moments? It's hard enough to experience is as a step-parent, let alone when it involves lies and deception. I'm not saying that it isn't possible, but it will take a lot more than good will and intentions to mak it work.

Person_one

alias*alibi wrote: »

I have asked him what he would do if she came looking for him in 18 years and all he does is say don't know. I know there is a good chance she may try to find him. Saying that, my mum left my dad when I was little more than a year old due to domestic violence. He shipped off to Scotland where the child maintenance laws couldn't touch him, re-married and went on to have more children. I've never been inclined to find him. I know what he did to my mum, I know my mum is the one who raised me so I don't need to know anything about my dad. I would agree that having no father figure certainly makes for a tough life and ultimately some wrong choices in men!

It wasn't really the no father figure thing, as knowing that she was the result of a man wanting a bit on the side but wanting nothing to do with her after conception, and her mother's resentment towards the father and his 'real' family.

Horrid situation all round, she ended up having a baby herself very young, I think it was the only way she could have somebody around who'd love her unconditionally .

I can't help but think this whole situation would suddenly become a thousand times easier for you if you let go of the idea of ever having your old life back or of having a relationship with your husband. With that hope gone, you can get on with it in a business-like manner, let time do its stuff and heal, and you won't be poking at an open wound every time you hear the baby's name, or see a brown envelope. You'll essentially be like a first wife who's husband went on to have a baby with somebody else and can just try to forget the blip where he forget to leave you first and where you took him back.

alias*alibi

FBaby wrote: »

I very much agree with this. You can't predict how things will turn up. However mad it might seem now, you can't even dismiss that you could one day be friendly with OW, but of you hating your husband.

I see two things here that are ultimately wrong:
- you are focussing on your partner's affair and thinking that if you can trust he won't cheat again, things might be ok. The problem is not the affair per se, but the fact your husband is showing himself to be blatantly self-centered in his decisions and actions. Most people who have affairs are anyway, but the fact that he then makes the decision to have no contact with his child because what suits HIM is to have what he wants NOW, a good family life with his wife and child. Life is not about what you want at a particular time in life and justifying why you have a good reason to want it, but about taking on what life has thrown at you and dealing with/enjoying it in such a way to make the best of it. I suspect your husband is incapable of such thinking.
- you are directing your anger towards the OW and building a conflict when you should go the exact opposite direction. Understandbly, you are compairing yourself and your life to her/s. You want to prove to her that your man is yours and so is your family. She is doing the exact same thing. All this resulting in meaningless provocations, her by referring to the baby as 'theirs/his', you by driving to her place when you had no need to be there at all.

You have been put in a situation that only very few women could cope with which could only be worthy of salavaging if you could forget your husband 100% (with good reasons) and somehow find enough humility to let the anger and upset wash over you and allow you to accept that child as she rightly deserve to be. I certainly couldn't do it.

However much it must be tempted to try to go back and find happiness if the life you had before it all happened, however much you might want to go on with life ignoring what is there, you won't be able to erase it. The child is there, the mother will always have some sort of link with your husband. You will always be vulnerable of finding yourself in a situation and with feelings you can't control.

You have two choices, moving on, which however haunting it might seem might not be so bad long term, or accept that your life with your husband will never be the same, but you can make it ok and be happy again accepting fully that he has another child.

Totally agree with all but the highlighted bit. I did have to be at her house as he was collecting his motorbike so I was literally just the driver and dropping him off and he did advise her that I would be doing just that but she phoned the police nonetheless. I knew where she lived but had no intentions of ever going to her home. That wouldn't have solved anything.