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Person_one

alias*alibi wrote: »

We have our own child together and that is the reason why I took him back. So yes, I have walked that mile in the OW's shoes myself a year ago when she was merrily having sex with my husband.

I have asked him about whether it would be appropriate to try to bond with the other baby as effectively it is our child's half sister; but he doesn't think it would work. And to be honest the OW has made it pretty damn clear she wants me no where near her daughter, although when the boot was on the other foot last year when I didn't want her anywhere near my child she called me demented. The OW has told me I am not allowed anywhere near her child ever; so forging a relationship is well out of the question at the moment.

I don't know what to do. I'm torn. Yes, i took him back knowing all of this but its harder than I thought it would be.

Do you even love him? I think I'd find it hard to feel anything but contempt for someone who's behaved as he has.

Would life be so terrible on your own, with your child having contact with their dad and step sister somewhere where you don't have to be quite so involved in the emotions of it?

Children don't really benefit from growing up with unhappy parents who would be much better off apart.

clearingout

why are you angry with her? it's him that was cheating, isn't it? it's him who left you to cope with a baby on your own, not her. It's him who lied to you, not her. Believe me when I say I can't stand the woman my ex left me for but it's not her fault, is it? she could have walked away, of course, but I have no doubt she was promised all sorts, told all sorts of rubbish that she believed and so she bought into a situation and decided it was what she wanted. I don't feel sorry for her - she had her eyes open and she's an adult - but she's as much a 'victim' of my ex's behaviour as I am. And she owed me nothing - she isnt' my friend, a family member or even someone I vaguely knew. I am nothing to her just as she is nothing to me.

if you can sort your relationship, things will eventually settle with the other woman. You can run contact through court if needs be to have a relationship with the child. Where there's a will there's a way. What you really need to question is why on earth you are (apparently) comfortable with a man prepared to abandon you and then abandon someone else in similar circumstances? Cake and eating it springs to mind in the first instance. How on earth can you be sure that he's not just going to up and leave you again when things get tough?

gratefulforhelp_2

Instead of asking him if the children should know each other, you could tell him.

You have a great opportunity here to be a far better person that the two of them put together - for the children.

I understand it may be hard to put aside the rage you must understandably feel, but you have some clout here.

Is he really going to want to pay out two lots of 12% of his gross income??

alias*alibi

Person_one wrote: »

Do you even love him? I think I'd find it hard to feel anything but contempt for someone who's behaved as he has.

Would life be so terrible on your own, with your child having contact with their dad and step sister somewhere where you don't have to be quite so involved in the emotions of it?

Children don't really benefit from growing up with unhappy parents who would be much better off apart.

Dunno? How bad is that? I'd like to think I could love him again the way I used to. Things are quite good between us mostly until this rears its head.

I want to do the right thing for our child and for myself. I know my husband was deeply depressed when he found out the OW was expecting and is on medication now because of that but as I have told him numerous times he should had covered it if he didn't want to have a child with her. The child is now here and has to be provided for but its such a kick in the gut when I think about it. Like I say, I'm ok mostly but its reminders that life isn't what it was that get me down.

Bitsy_Beans

You may disagree but having a child is not a good enough reason to stay together. If you had a relationship you though was worth salvaging then fair do's but just for your kids sake? Recipe for disaster IMO. I wouldnt want my children growing up seeing a lack of love and respect for mutual partners and given how you are feeling now I am not sure you are ever going to feel better about this situation. If you love him and want this to work the by all means try counselling if not then you are just fooling yourself.
Good luck with what you decide x

alias*alibi

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

Instead of asking him if the children should know each other, you could tell him.

You have a great opportunity here to be a far better person that the two of them put together - for the children.

I understand it may be hard to put aside the rage you must understandably feel, but you have some clout here.

Is he really going to want to pay out two lots of 12% of his gross income??

It will be a merry old fight through the courts to get him parental responsibility and access as she wants me no where near the baby. Understandably when I found out I was beyond angry and pretty much told her in so many words. She is saying due to the venom shown when she was pregnant I am never allowed near 'their' daughter. She will say 'theirs' at every opportunity to get at me. I know its a matter of fact but even so, it grates. Of course, no judge in the land will prevent contact with extended family (I have a full CRB due to my work) and pose no risk so I know she wouldn't have a leg to stand on in the long run but I don't think I have the will or the energy to persue it.

Person_one

alias*alibi wrote: »

Dunno? How bad is that? I'd like to think I could love him again the way I used to. Things are quite good between us mostly until this rears its head.

I want to do the right thing for our child and for myself. I know my husband was deeply depressed when he found out the OW was expecting and is on medication now because of that but as I have told him numerous times he should had covered it if he didn't want to have a child with her. The child is now here and has to be provided for but its such a kick in the gut when I think about it. Like I say, I'm ok mostly but its reminders that life isn't what it was that get me down.

I'm not surprised you feel battered, he's treated you appallingly with absolutely no consideration or respect for you or your child. Now he's treating his other child and that child's mother just as badly.

The easiest way to not have a child with your mistress, is to not have a mistress, there's never an excuse for infidelity.

Do you think you can ever feel truly happy in this situation? The other woman and the daughter will always be around whatever way you choose, but if you strike out on your own you will be able to make yourself happy rather than hoping he can eventually remember to give a @£*@ about you.

pinkclouds

alias*alibi wrote: »

The OW has told me I am not allowed anywhere near her child ever; so forging a relationship is well out of the question at the moment.

Could I please point out that you not having a relationship with the other child does not have to preclude your husband from doing so?

alias*alibi

Bitsy_Beans wrote: »

You may disagree but having a child is not a good enough reason to stay together. If you had a relationship you though was worth salvaging then fair do's but just for your kids sake? Recipe for disaster IMO. I wouldnt want my children growing up seeing a lack of love and respect for mutual partners and given how you are feeling now I am not sure you are ever going to feel better about this situation. If you love him and want this to work the by all means try counselling if not then you are just fooling yourself.
Good luck with what you decide x

Totally understand what you are saying and I am saying this hand on heart; if you could see the change in my child from last year to now you would be amazed. Its a totally different child so I know us getting back together has helped in that area enormously. I just need to work out how to get over the fact my husband has born a child with another woman whilst still being married to me. I am having counselling at work but perhaps marriage counselling is the way forward. Everytime he says 'CSA are on the phone' or I see one of their brown envelopes I feel physically sick.

neneromanova

If you let your own child grow up seeing daddy ignoring the other child, what is your child going to think? That's it's ok to ignore problems and also treat women the way he has (that's if you have a boy) or let yourself be treated the way your OH treated you (If you have a girl).

Drop him, move on and find someone who would never do something like that to you as he actually loves you.