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xxxxhelpxxxx

My husband had a affair and got her pregnant. The other woman has yet to have the baby. I am currently filing for divorce because he says one thing and does another. In the beginning he said he wanted nothing to do with her or the baby and then in the next instant he is messaging her every day, meeting her a few times and talking about the baby (names, what it will look like, etc).

I cannot and will not live like this. My girls are old enough to understand why this is happening. It has taken me several months to make the decision to divorce him. In the beginning I wanted to make it work and work on our problems but this cannot now happen because of his actions..

I can understand why you would want him back, for your own child, but the resentment will be there forever. In my instance we have 3 girls together, the OW baby is going to be a boy. In the back of my mind will always be the fact that he has the boy that he always wanted.

alias*alibi

Smiling_Ducky wrote: »

Just a comment on this section - if your husband decides he does want contact with his daughter, there is nothing the OW can do if you are there - unless she can prove that you will harm the child or put her at severe risk
I enquired about this, with a solicitor, when the father of my son wanted him having contact with his then girlfriend.
This was a few years ago and it may have changed but as far as i'm aware it hasnt.

I know in the long run she wouldn't have a leg to stand on but I can't even imagine the things she could potentially summon up to make me look like a bad person. Like I said, I have an enhanced CRB to allow me to do my job; but I am not just saying this because she is the OW, I have witnessed her lies, I have witnessed her venom and the drama with the police. Anybody would had though I'd had an affair with her husband and I can pretty much guarantee she would make life a living hell. I can see it now; baby x came home with a bruise, baby x won't settle since being with you etc.

lostinrates

alias*alibi wrote: »

Very true; but how can that work in the long run? My child never being introduced to their half sister and the half sister never meeting her extended family? I dunno, my brain hurts.

I wouldn't think too much about ''never'' or ''forever'' it will always make everyones brain hurt. All you can really do is the ''best thing for now' regularly offering oppertunities for changing this after, perhaps, addressing the issues in your immeadiate family, perhaps getting some counselling if you are really sure you want to stick at it. If you think your child benefits from him in her life its fair to suggest the other child might too, and ultimately...both you and the other woman are going to be scared, feeling defensive of your children and situations and positions...with everything raw and things like CSA still fresh and not set in stone of course emotions will run high.

Personally, I'd probably not be so keen to stick at it but if you do then I think you'll need a HUGE dose of patience, magnanimosity and a sense of humour and forgiveness to make it work for everyone. Not impossible, but hard I should imagine. Good luck, I hope it works out for you one way or another

deb68_2

sending you(((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))0
I am very sorry you are in this awful situation
an im sure it hurts you everyday,but its not the childs fault
thinking of you
deb xx

alias*alibi

xxxxhelpxxxx wrote: »

My husband had a affair and got her pregnant. The other woman has yet to have the baby. I am currently filing for divorce because he says one thing and does another. In the beginning he said he wanted nothing to do with her or the baby and then in the next instant he is messaging her every day, meeting her a few times and talking about the baby (names, what it will look like, etc).

I cannot and will not live like this. My girls are old enough to understand why this is happening. It has taken me several months to make the decision to divorce him. In the beginning I wanted to make it work and work on our problems but this cannot now happen because of his actions..

I can understand why you would want him back, for your own child, but the resentment will be there forever. In my instance we have 3 girls together, the OW baby is going to be a boy. In the back of my mind will always be the fact that he has the boy that he always wanted.

Not a good situation is it? Husband is at work until 10 and he knows I am not happy about it tonight but I don't even know what to say. I might go to bed before he gets in so I don't have to face it tonight.

And I understand how you must feel about the baby being a boy when you have all girls. Try not to worry about that, although easier said than done.

My mum normally takes the moral high ground with things like this but she isn't saying much lately. All she keeps saying is you took him back so you have to suck it up.

whitewing

If you are going to stay with your husband, actually, even if you aren't, for the sake of your own child you need to learn to like the baby. That may mean quelling each and every negative reminder. I don't mean supressing the thought particularly, just dealing with it in private until you can rob it of its associated emotions. It's not about pretending everything is all right, more along the things of 'if you can't be nice, say nothing'. (And I don't mean bashing pans about or demonstrating your fury in non-verabl forms). It's the easiest route in my experience to starting to move on. For your own health. It's a habit to get into, and like all habits becomes much easier when they are a habit. So for example, if you see a photo of the baby, she is bound to be wearing a cute hat or baby gro that you can comment on genuinely. I know it is very, very painful but don't give up on your child. Life will be easier for her if she is allowed to acknowledge the baby.

paddy's_mum

Maybe right now isn't the time to do it but have you thought about writing to or contacting the OW to at least explore the possibility of her allowing the baby to have contact with the father and his family, which clearly must include you and your own child, half (not step as someone earlier said) brother/sister to the OW's child?

The hidden, denied or suppressed children of illegitimate parents have a nasty habit, in my experience, of coming out of the woodwork unbidden later on, causing the asking of all sorts of uncomfortable questions which might be better answered or dealt with from infancy.

Hard things get said when all this stuff is going on but if the OW is already saying "our" child, perhaps she is halfway to recognising that her child needs to know its father? I'd also add that time is a great healer, if you can find it in your heart to feel pity for this poor, unwanted little scrap who had no choice in her parentage, birth or future.

I'd also amend what others have said before about you and yours being linked to the child until death - the tie will only end when you, your husband and the child herself have died and even then, there may be grandchildren come looking for family history answers.

If you find the CSA stuff too difficult to bear, could your husband state that he is at, say, his parents' house and have letters etc sent there? It may be a temporary step while you learn to deal with your hurt but you must understand that none of this can be successfully brushed under the carpet. Are you prepared to deal with that? Is he?

Good luck, OP. I don't envy you the long and hard road ahead but do accept from me that sometimes it truly is worthwhile to hang in there. I wish you well.

alias*alibi

whitewing wrote: »

If you are going to stay with your husband, actually, even if you aren't, for the sake of your own child you need to learn to like the baby. That may mean quelling each and every negative reminder. I don't mean supressing the thought particularly, just dealing with it in private until you can rob it of its associated emotions. It's not about pretending everything is all right, more along the things of 'if you can't be nice, say nothing'. (And I don't mean bashing pans about or demonstrating your fury in non-verabl forms). It's the easiest route in my experience to starting to move on. For your own health. It's a habit to get into, and like all habits becomes much easier when they are a habit. So for example, if you see a photo of the baby, she is bound to be wearing a cute hat or baby gro that you can comment on genuinely. I know it is very, very painful but don't give up on your child. Life will be easier for her if she is allowed to acknowledge the baby.

I have tried and really really tried to not be negative. I was in the early days and ashamed to say I probably didn't help my child's handling of a new sibling very well. When I first learnt that the OW was pregnant I couldn't go anywhere near baby clothes. I would be in the supermarket and if I glimpsed at baby clothes I had an overwhelming heavy chest and felt depressed. Even when we went to collect my husband's belongings from her house and I could see 'congratulations' cards on the windowsill I felt sick. I am gradually coming to terms with the fact that there is a baby, there is nothing I can do about it, I can't change the past, its happened and now I have to try to deal with the present and future somehow.

*Ro*

Could not read and run.
OP I am sorry that your husband has done this to you.
My mother suffered the same as you and a lot worse.
Looking back I wish that as soon as my mother was aware of my fathers affairs that she simply left him, the wasted years of agony, trouble, atmospheres were terrible.
Staying with someone who has betrayed you to that extent is painful and it will be your child that suffers too, staying in a bad relationship does not help your child, for us it prolonged the agony for me, my brother and my mother. I think my mother was worried we would have nothing but I would rather have lived in a tiny house than have gone through what we did.
My mother still is bitter many years later, the mere mention of my fathers name makes her blood boil, she has not had another relationship since, it has affected my brother and I greatly. My brother has no relationship with his father, I have on and off.
It worries me that he wants no part in the ow's childs life at the end of the day that is not fair on the child, he is not taking full responsibility for his actions.
I really feel for you but please think about whether all the heartache is worth it to stay with your husband and what effect this may have on your child if you stay together then split again later. I am sure you deserve much better.
My mother never spoke to anyone about her turmoil, I hope that you do.
Take care, I hope what I have said is of some help.

gratefulforhelp_2

alias*alibi wrote: »

I have tried and really really tried to not be negative. I was in the early days and ashamed to say I probably didn't help my child's handling of a new sibling very well. When I first learnt that the OW was pregnant I couldn't go anywhere near baby clothes. I would be in the supermarket and if I glimpsed at baby clothes I had an overwhelming heavy chest and felt depressed. Even when we went to collect my husband's belongings from her house and I could see 'congratulations' cards on the windowsill I felt sick. I am gradually coming to terms with the fact that there is a baby, there is nothing I can do about it, I can't change the past, its happened and now I have to try to deal with the present and future somehow.

You don't need to feel guilty about those feelings, but just try really hard not to let them become a habit.