MODS - please delete thread

renegade

Why on earth would you want to live with a 'man' as spineless as he is?
He has cheated, lied, abandoned you and his child?
The trust has gone, you will never get it back and without trust there can be no happy ending to this dilemma.
Personally I would tell him to move out for 2 years.
Give you time to sort yourself out and build a new life for you and your child,make official arrangements for his access to your child, refuse to discuss his problems with him,do not get drawn into his excuses and pitiful regrets, he is a liar you should never believe what he tells you anyway.
After 2 years, review your situation,I would like to bet that you would not dream of having him back even if he wanted it,you will have found a new life, peace of mind and the courage to stand on your own two feet, your child will be happier too...I know this because I did it hard as it was initially I got on with my life and was so much happier and met someone else.

newcook

Whats the saying? Fool me once, fool you – fool me twice, fool me

To be honest OP I think you are crazy to take back a man who lied, cheated, lied some more, got another woman pregnant, left her to come back to you and who wants nothing to do with his new baby!

I can understand her not wanting you to be by the baby – she doesn’t want you playing happy families with her baby and a man who she thought loved her, doing things with new baby that she thought they would be doing together. I imagine that is the reason she doesn’t want you by the baby, not because she thinks you will harm it.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

alias*alibi wrote: »

Even when we went to collect my husband's belongings from her house and I could see 'congratulations' cards on the windowsill I felt sick.

He dumped her within days of her giving birth?


Oh well, that proves he's committed to the welfare of the children he sires.

alias*alibi

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

He dumped her within days of her giving birth?


Oh well, that proves he's committed to the welfare of the children he sires.

Not quite, no. She refused to give him his belongings back as stated in a previous message. We left it until after the baby was born because I knew she didn't need any stress before the birth before encroaching on her turf.

Judgemental aren't you?

Edited to say; the congratulations card were still up a month after the birth. I didn't want you to think we went round there a week after!

alias*alibi

newcook wrote: »

Whats the saying? Fool me once, fool you – fool me twice, fool me

To be honest OP I think you are crazy to take back a man who lied, cheated, lied some more, got another woman pregnant, left her to come back to you and who wants nothing to do with his new baby!

I can understand her not wanting you to be by the baby – she doesn’t want you playing happy families with her baby and a man who she thought loved her, doing things with new baby that she thought they would be doing together. I imagine that is the reason she doesn’t want you by the baby, not because she thinks you will harm it.

Yes I totally understand her reasons behind her not wanting me to have contact with the baby, which are the same reasons I didn't want her having contact with my child last year, i.e. playing happy families.

Yes I am crazy, I am a mug. I know all that. I've been told this by close friends, colleagues, my own family after they saw the devastation I was put through and how it affected me and my child. But I truly believe my husband is sorry, he is very ashamed. We spoke last night and he was hanging his head in shame. I tried not to judge, I tried not to cry. He knows how much he has hurt me and I asked him if he thought I should be grateful that I am back in his life. He didn't answer so I said I am not grateful I am back in yours but you should be damn grateful you are back in mine. He said I am, more than you will ever know.

Another reason for him to get flamed is that his parents know about the baby and also want nothing to do with her. I guess because of the deceit surrounding her conception.

Person_one

alias*alibi wrote: »

Not quite, no. She refused to give him his belongings back as stated in a previous message. We left it until after the baby was born because I knew she didn't need any stress before the birth before encroaching on her turf.

Judgemental aren't you?

So he left her heavily pregnant? Its not much better is it really?

Please don't defend him, you're a victim here, its ok to admit that he's behaved appallingly and hurt lots of people. His behaviour is not a reflection on you unless you continue to make excuses and condone it.

alias*alibi

Person_one wrote: »

So he left her heavily pregnant? Its not much better is it really?

Please don't defend him, you're a victim here, its ok to admit that he's behaved appallingly and hurt lots of people. His behaviour is not a reflection on you unless you continue to make excuses and condone it.

Yes he left her heavily pregnant.

I am not defending him at all. His behaviour has been beyond appalling. Last night I was ready to call it quits after reading and digesting some of the replies to this thread. Again I asked about the baby, why he didn't want to get to know her as he had been in her life up to a month or so before she was born. His reply was I was in the same house but that doesn't mean I wanted any part of it. I went along with it because I felt I had no choice but I wasn't happy and she (OW) knew that. When she told me she was pregnant she asked me whether it would change our relationship as she knew I didn't want any more children and I told her I didn't know at that stage.

I believe that he got caught and ran scared the further time ticked on. I don't condone it at all but I believe the OW pregnancy made him wake up and realise what a mess he had made and what he potentially had lost with me and his child. He has already admitted to me and the OW that he was hoping that he could recapture the life that he had with me and his child with the OW but he knew deep down it wouldn't work.

whitewing

I think it is perfectly acceptable that he is genuinely sorry and ashamed and wants to be with you and your daughter. I think you can get over this (learn to live with it, whatever) and that the best way to do this is to incorporate the new baby into your life too, and that includes his parents maybe seeing the baby with him.

It will be extremely hard for the OW to move forward in the life she has created for herself, so I think in that respect she is being punished enough (and I have been a single parent; it is really hard).

alias*alibi

whitewing wrote: »

I think it is perfectly acceptable that he is genuinely sorry and ashamed and wants to be with you and your daughter. I think you can get over this (learn to live with it, whatever) and that the best way to do this is to incorporate the new baby into your life too, and that includes his parents maybe seeing the baby with him.

It will be extremely hard for the OW to move forward in the life she has created for herself, so I think in that respect she is being punished enough (and I have been a single parent; it is really hard).

Thank you WW; youv'e been truly lovely.

I agree, the OW is being punished enough. And yes, being a single parent is ruddy hard work. It pushed me to my limits when my child was having a tough time so I can't even comprehend being a single parent with a demanding newborn.

newcook

alias*alibi wrote: »

Yes I totally understand her reasons behind her not wanting me to have contact with the baby, which are the same reasons I didn't want her having contact with my child last year, i.e. playing happy families.

then you should be telling OH to have a relationship with his baby - even if its in a contact centre for a while so he wont even have to see the other woman if he doesnt want to. and without you there.
your OH may at the minute be saying that he doesnt want anything to do with the baby (though Im guessing that when the other woman fell pregnant he was quite happy and promised to love them and always be there) but what you don’t want is in 1,2 or even 5 years down the line and he’s blaming you that he doesn’t have a relationship with his other child.

I think for the time being that you should not refer to it as ‘our access’ but ‘his access’ – maybe after a while the other woman will come around the idea of their baby also being part of your family.