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whitewing

My philosophy is that if you are staying married (even if you later decide that you can't stay married), you may as well have a happy daily life as opposed to a miserable daily life. That does mean sometimes actually laughing with your husband. It does also mean that the outside world may well think he is getting away with it, or is not sorry, or you're a doormat or whatever; you are going to need to find a way to deal with it. I think you do have to do it in tiny, tiny steps one day at a time, expect that there will be real downers sometimes as other people inflict their disappointment on you.

neverdespairgirl

I'm sorry OP - I can't say anything helpful but it's a nightmare position for you to be in.

Taadaa

Big hugs, what a !!!!!! situation to be in. This other woman sounds very aggressive.

I cannot speak from experience. But this is what I would do.

You have chosen to take your husband back for the sake of your family unit. I don't think that you can ever hope to function properly with this constant reminder ie other baby. If it is possible for your husband to have a relationship with the child, all well and good. Otherwise, forget about it. Ask him to be discrete with the CSA letters. Get an injunction if you need to, to keep this woman at bay whilst you try to rebuild your lives together. You put yourself and your own sanity first here, because no one else is going to. It is very unfortunate for this woman but she chose to have the affair and she chose to have the child. You have made your bed as your mum has put it, and she has made hers.

rising_from_the_ashes

Just wanted to give a wee (((hug))) - what a terrible situation.

I know that I wouldn't have been as forgiving as you in a similar situation and certainly couldn't have taken him back - an affair is one thing (and hard enough to overcome) but a child is an entirely different scenario.

Regardless of this, you have chosen to take him back and if it's ever going to work, you need to put this behind you (though I have no idea how) - otherwise it will just eat away at you which will result in you being extremely unhappy (not healthy for you or your own child).

One thing that did spring to mind as I was reading through.... and I appreciate that this is a long way down the road.

Depending on the age difference between the children and where you live (either close to each other, in a small rural location etc) the 2 children could end up at the same school together at some point.

If that may happen, it's imperative for both children that some sort of solution is worked out as you/OH/OW will end up running into each other at some point.

Either both children need to know who the other is - or neither of them. The last thing needed would be for one child to know and have a sort of "hold" over the other which could lead to all sorts of trouble.

ampersand

You could send him this Thread.

paddy's_mum

Kay_Peel wrote: »

I think that you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself by trying to do a variety of things at once. You are trying to:
* rebuild your marriage
* heal the wounds of the affair
* deal with the OW's communications
* figure out how the new baby fits in
* bring up your child, run a home and pick up your own life again.

You would be superwoman if you weren't struggling to cope with that lot. So give yourself some credit for being human.

I think you've got to box off the things that you can't control and can have no effect on, at the moment. Concentrate on the things that you can control and manage - your relationship with your OH, the attempt to come to terms with what's happened through counselling perhaps, and running your home.

Ask OH to give you some space. He must not bother you with any conversation about the OW and the new baby for the next three months at least. Shut it out. Don't read the emails. Don't look at correspondence from the CSA or whoever. Put the phone down if she rings your home. Just focus on healing your grief, your pain, your anger and see how you manage. It may take longer than 3 months - it may take a year or two before you're ready to face the other things on my list (above).

But you can't fix the whole lot at one go, in my view.

Best wishes to you

Some responses deserve a thousand thanks. This, for its kind tone, its common sense (a rare commodity by the way) and its practicalities is one of them.

Well done, Kay Peel.

paddy's_mum

MoreOn wrote: »

people make mistakes, end of ... In my world, it's what happens after that counts. If we all thought people cannot change when they made a mistake then this world wouldn't be worth much..

Agreed, and very well put. However, what is this husband doing to deal with "it's what happens after that counts"?

MoreOn

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Agreed, and very well put. However, what is this husband doing to deal with "it's what happens after that counts"?

I can't say what he's doing I don't live there, see how he's behaving in the house, how the conversations are going, how he spends time with OP only OP can answer that, IF she recognises the positives and the complexities of her unique situation...

mysadstory

I just wanted to tell you my story!

I suspected my partner of 14 years was having an affair, he denied it & I couldn't prove it, the woman was a friend of a friend so I knew who she was. Anyway I bumped in to another friend who asked if this woman had 'had her baby yet' I said I didn't even know she was pregnant! Alarm bells started ringing big time & I stated snooping through his mobile phone etc but found nothing, eventually I went to the Register Office to get a copy of this baby's bith certificate, his name wasn't on it so basically I decided I was imagining things etc & we had a great 6 months together.

Then tragically he had a heart attack & died suddenly in the middle of the night! He was 39 & I was 34 I was absolutely devastated!

2 days later his brother told me that the child was his!
I cannot begin to tell you how this felt, So sad, so angry so many questions with no answers! Only snippets from other people, he was afraid I'd leave him, head in his hands crying, trying to get her to get rid of the baby!
And the point of this I suppose is that if I could have had him back, baby or not I would have done so in a heartbeat!

Sorry that's a long post & I know it sounds like a plot from Eastenders & I don't suppose it helps much either! I think what I'm trying to say is that if you love him, then give it a chance, go to Relate, all you can do is try!

whitewing

Oh that is so sad. My friend had a slight variation on this. Her husband died and later that day his mobile rang and a girl that he was supposed to be meeting up was on the other end. Difficult to tell who was the most stunned at the existence of the other. It was the unanswered/unanswerable questions that were the hardest to bear.

OP, back to the CSA, I don't know about how they work, but why do they keep calling/writing? If the baby is definitely your husband's then can't you just make the arrangements and pay? Are you already paying? Is there anything specific that we can help with? Surely once it's in place then there aren't too many calls/letters - perhaps I'm very naive - or is OW stirring things up constantly?