MODS - please delete thread

conradmum

I think all three of you should grow up and start thinking about the two most important people in this situation - the two daughters. They both need kind, loving, mature parents, not three self-obsessed individuals who are already using them as weapons against each other.

You say your husband can't have access because the OW doesn't want you near her child - what's to stop him seeing the baby somewhere else or you going out for the day? Your husband has done a stupid and selfish thing, but's that's no reason for you to take it out on the innocent child that's the product of his actions.

whitewing

Innocent as the baby is, I think it would take the patience of an absolute saint for the OP to not be upset at its existence. I think the OP is actually doing well. She has been tremendously hurt and it will take time for her to become positive about the future.

I think the danger of putting the children at the forefront of everything is that things become suppressed and secret. I always knew my dad's sister and mum didn't get on very well. Found out years later that my aunt had walked in on my mum and her lover. My dad did not find out until years after we knew. Yet the tension had been there my whole childhood and beyond. (Dad was not behaving either).

[Deleted User]

I split from my OH last year. We had both had problematic backgrounds and to be honest, we sparked off each other a bit because of the problems. There was a lot of not talking over things we should have done, barriers up too much etc etc. And unfortunately, it went further and further downhill and it edged into being an abusive relationship. I left in the end and went into a refuge, left the refuge and moved back 'home', he visited a few times.., it was obvious there were still problem (at first he wasn't overly truthful about his intentions, reasoning for things he'd done etc etc) but eventually we did get back together (I had become so worn down I was ill, not by him but by things that were happening around me where I lived.., it was pretty awful). It ended up with me moving to where he lived (partly because I found a much better school for my older son who had special needs and a lot more support for him generally).

Now, the last 15 months don't seem like 15 months, it seems like last week.., but I have managed to obtain some distance from the things he did and the hurt caused by the lies he told. I will never totally believe everything he says.., but I have learned to belive he loves me and I know I love him. Its a work in progress.., I am learning and he is learning altho neither of us have been to marriage counselling. We don't argue like we did before we split up.., somehow we have moved beyond a need to do that. We do talk more. He too, doesn't see his other children much and that does disturb me.., we have a son together and what sort of a potential father does it make him that he has other children that I have to push him to see? So.., he has his faults. We can't change the past, we can only control what happens today. And every day is a new day.., and a new chance to make something better.

A couple of months ago he started going downhill again, and I blankly told him (and quite bluntly) sort yourself out or leave. I won't have you hurting the children or me again. And blow me, he did stop the cycle he has gone into in the past. So things can change.

I read one of Sharon Osbourne's books and in it she said so many people have said 'how could u continue to live with your husband when he does what he does, and makes u so unhappy' She said that what they said was true but I always knew I'd be a lot unhappier without him than I was with him. That has always struck a chord with me.

If you feel that you can deal with it day by day, and the atmosphere is ok for the kids., then try and work through it. Time will help you deal with the hurt and reminders of the baby. It will get better. I honestly have been through that depth of off/on/off/on with a relationship. Its shattering at the time and it does take time for you to learn to trust again. But, as you are doing, u both need to figure out ways to stop the past happening again.., so lots of talking. Honest talking.

As far as the baby is concerned.., it is true that that baby is the only genuinely innocent one in all this. It would be nice if your OH could make some kind of relationship with the child.., after all if he'd truly not wanted a baby (as other's have said).., there are ways to reduce the risks of pregnancy. He did make a baby and he has some responsibility for his emotional and physical well being that if he does not fulfill, the child could suffer for the lack of in the future.

But its an imperfect world. One can hope there will be a way one day.., but that's all.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

alias*alibi wrote: »

Not quite, no. She refused to give him his belongings back as stated in a previous message. We left it until after the baby was born because I knew she didn't need any stress before the birth before encroaching on her turf.

Judgemental aren't you?

Edited to say; the congratulations card were still up a month after the birth. I didn't want you to think we went round there a week after!

Judgemental? Maybe. Well, yes. As a result of your account of your husband's actions.

It wasn't my husband who ejaculated inside another woman when he was claiming he wanted you back. Yours did, though.

It wasn't my husband who decided he'd changed his mind about his lovely sexy new partner/OH, presumably round about the time she got a bit fat and unwilling to have rampant carefree sex anymore. And got his wife to drive over so he could get his precious stuff back when the baby was 28 days old, having presumably left her to cope with labour alone to go running back for getting-back-together-sex. Because it would have been mean to have done it at the same time as he abandoned a heavily pregnant woman.


Turning on other people is a pointless distraction or diversion from the person who actually betrayed both of you. He cheated on you first, but he cheated on her too - just because you were there first doesn't mean that going back to you wasn't cheating. You weren't his partner by then - she was.


As he was claiming he really wanted you, but you were too proud to let him know (and therefore made it out to be your fault), he was busy making a baby with someone he liked better.


What you are feeling now could well pale into insignificance if/when he decides the child needs its father as yours in old enough to already know him and goes back to her again - or, even more likely, as not only did he get away with it for so long, you even took him back after a few puppydog eyes and 'oh, I hurt so much without you, she meant nothing to me, honest', there will be another, younger, prettier one along soon enough.


And everything you feel is as a result of his wish to put his penis where it didn't belong.



Can you live like this forever? Hostile towards anyone who thinks what he has done is vile? Thinking that it was your fault he did it/didn't come back straight away before his semen accidentally jumped out and met an ovum? Wondering whether it's all starting up again with someone else? Not daring to say anything because he'll turn it round to how mean you are for not trusting him and he's been so honest and that was a different him and it's all his mum's/dad's/ex girlfriend's fault he is sooooooo unhappy and now you are hurting poor little him?



Yeah, you go for it. He sounds a real keeper. See if you can keep hold for long. Not because of any failing on your part, I am sure that you only want what is best for you and to be a snug, happy family again like it used to be before he fell in love with someone else, but because he has not been a nice person.



So, yes I am being judgemental - of him.

quantumleap

A male point of view here...

I agree completely with jojo - wouldn't have used the same terminology mind you but I agree with the sentiment!

OP - your husband’s behaviour was and still is an absolute disgrace. I am the son of a man who abandoned my mother shortly before I was born (38 years ago) and I have spent my whole life making sure I'm not like him. I've never met him nor would I wish to.

It’s not my place to tell you whether you should stay with this person or not nor would I do so. However it is you place to make every effort to ensure he does the right thing by his child.

It seems you can justify staying with a man who cheated on you and fathered a child with another women - which is your right!

How on earth can you justify staying with a man who could abandon his daughter so callously?

MoreOn

quantumleap wrote: »

How on earth can you justify staying with a man who could abandon his daughter so callously?

I'm not sure he has.. OP said OW is making life tough, so it is a very complex situation, OP and her OH are dealing with CSA etc.

Put his behaviour to one side and step into his shoes..... These are my beliefs..

He's trying make it work with OP, he's treading on egg shells and doesn't know which one will break and bring the pack of cards down that he is trying to sort out... There can never be a right path when everything is moving and delicate...

The easiest thing to do would be walk from OP, the OW and find someone new, not stand up, face OP, the in-laws and all the music..

IMHO he's brave to even try, but there must be something there for him to want to try with OP and their child when "other" options exist

paddy's_mum

Flippin' 'eck, Jojo .. tell it like it is, why don't you? :eek:

Very baldly put, OP, but brutally truthful. Hopefully it will give you further insight and a lot more to mull over - although I can well believe that your poor head is already spinning!

I wish you strength, understanding and courage. Good luck.

Person_one

MoreOn wrote: »

I'm not sure he has.. OP said OW is making life tough, so it is a very complex situation, OP and her OH are dealing with CSA etc.

The OP stated in her first post that he wanted nothing to do with the baby beyond paying maintenance.

rising_from_the_ashes

I fell out with one of my best friends around 15 years ago when she started seeing a man who was "allegedly" separated from his then wife (and they had 2 young kids) - he was around 15 years older than us.

I know you can't really help who you fall in love with, but IMVHO, you should try to avoid situations where you know it's "not right" - she knew he was married (even though he was allegedly separated) so she should've stayed away.

Anyway, him & his wife got divorced and then he married my former friend and eventually they had 2 kids of their own.

Fast forward 10 years and he's now left her for another woman - around 15 years younger than my friend, so probably around 30 years younger than him.

I do feel sorry for my former friend as she now finds herself struggling to bring up 2 young kids on her own - but, I wasn't at all surprised when I heard and I think it's finally hit home to her how his 1st wife must've felt at the time.

Not sure what I'm trying to say really ... just - it's difficult for a leopard to change it's spots (which I'm sure has already crossed the OPs mind).

Relationships are hard enough at the best of times but, once the trust is destroyed, it's very hard to get it back and requires a huge amount of commitment from both parties and being able to put the past behind you and move forward together.

MoreOn

Person_one wrote: »

The OP stated in her first post that he wanted nothing to do with the baby beyond paying maintenance.

Absolutly, do we know his motives? is that comment just to distance himself and try save the marriage... we dont know...