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Person_one

fannyanna wrote: »

Perhaps the word I was looking for was "responsibility".

Of course it's a problem for her and it's causing her a great deal of distress (as I'm sure it would to most of us if we were in her position).

However, she is not responsible for this child and should not be made to feel that she should make considerations for this child. In my opinion (and it is just that and of course everyone is entitled to their own opinion even if it's different from mine ) it's wrong to call this woman selfish because she is putting the wants and needs of herself and her child over this other child. In that respect it's simply not her problem what impact it has on the other child.

I do see where you're coming from, however I think that if she chooses to stay with her husband, the OP needs to acknowledge and accept his other child, just as she should if he had a child from a previous marriage when they met. The circumstances are awful, but if you choose to be (or stay) in a relationship with someone who has a child with someone else, regardless of how that child came about, you need to start seeing that child as a member of your family too.

I think her feelings at the moment are completely understandable, but if she is going to stay married to this man, she needs to treat the child properly, and allow him to as well, if she can't do that (and many of us couldn't) then she should realise that and leave.

Nobody's saying this isn't a horrific position for the OP to be in, its awful, she's been through the wringer, but its not over yet and this is a very very important point that needs to be resolved.

fannyanna

Person_one wrote: »

I do see where you're coming from, however I think that if she chooses to stay with her husband, the OP needs to acknowledge and accept his other child, just as she should if he had a child from a previous marriage when they met. The circumstances are awful, but if you choose to be (or stay) in a relationship with someone who has a child with someone else, regardless of how that child came about, you need to start seeing that child as a member of your family too.

I think her feelings at the moment are completely understandable, but if she is going to stay married to this man, she needs to treat the child properly, and allow him to as well, if she can't do that (and many of us couldn't) then she should realise that and leave.

Nobody's saying this isn't a horrific position for the OP to be in, its awful, she's been through the wringer, but its not over yet and this is a very very important point that needs to be resolved.

I have to agree with what you've said above but on the basis that that's the ideal situation.

I do think there's an alternative and that is what has been proposed. To some it wouldn't be seen as an alternative because it doesn't sit with them morally. To others it would. We're all different and that's what makes the world an interesting (and difficult) place.

fannyanna

fluffnutter wrote: »

So is the child who just (luckily) happens to be a product of his marriage more important than the child who isn't?

Short answer - yes.

Taadaa

fluffnutter wrote: »

So is the child who just (luckily) happens to be a product of his marriage more important than the child who isn't?

Neither child's got any say in when, how and why they were born. The idea that one gets to play happy families and the other doesn't is pretty abhorrent in my book.

I can see what you are saying but the upshot of that is that neither of them get to play happy families

Taadaa

vroombroom wrote: »

it made me think he is an absolute spineless ****. He got another woman pregnant the same time my mam was pregnant, chose to have nothing to do with the lad, then did the same a few years ago. He then left and blamed all 4 of us (the two boys, plus me and my 'full' brother) and its one of the reasons I no longer speak to him.

My father sounds very much like the OP's husband - that everything that has happened is not his fault, its everyone elses' and I really hope for her daughter's sake, she can stay strong and do the right thing x

although the circs with my FIL were a bit different, he also went down in my opinion.

However, that is irrelevant to the OP in this case.

fluffnutter

Taadaa wrote: »

I can see what you are saying but the upshot of that is that neither of them get to play happy families

He should be a father to both his children. Whether that's in the context of a relationship with either his wife, the other woman, or neither is irrelevant.

He doesn't get to abandon his second child saying 'Sorry love. I've already got one of those and she's a proper one'.

fluffnutter

fannyanna wrote: »

Short answer - yes.

Staggeringly inhumane answer. What did that child ever do to deserve being 'less important'? Shocking.

delain

I don't think that the OP's marriage would survive her having to accept the child of an affair into the family... but then I'm not sure it's going to survive the situation as it is if I'm honest.

I know if it was me I would be devastated to be thinking of that little girl being cut out, and I wouldn't have had the husband back. He will always be wondering about his daughter, the OP will always have it in the back of her mind and I imagine the whole situation is just going to be torturous for everyone until they eventually split.

My dad left us for someone else when I was 4 and my brother was 18 months, as I've heard (from both sides of the family) it was the new wife who wanted him to have nothing to do with us.

My dad made contact with me by letter a few years ago, said he had always regretted not staying in touch and actually said that he didn't know if I'd written before, because he thought letters from here might not reach him, and supplied a different address where his mail wouldn't be intercepted, so obviously she still isn't happy about me being in contact even when I was 23 and highly unlikely to cause any trouble between them, to the point where she will intercept his post!

I know that's totally different for the OP but it wasn't nice for me and my brother to grow up knowing that we'd been rejected for a woman... Also my mum used to take it out on us, I'm sure she didn't mean it that way but that was how it felt. She was very bitter about it and couldn't really let go.

If I was the OP I would be telling the husband that it's time for them both to move on, concentrate on being parents and keeping things civil and for him to give all his children the best possible start he can in life, and not think he should just walk away from her.

Welshwoofs

If the Op's child is aware of this new sibling and is upset, I'd think that one of the biggest upcoming challenges if he keeps to his current decision is how to tell that child why she'll never meet her half-sibling. If the child is told the truth, that Daddy doesn't want to know, that could be devastating. On the other hand, if some more palatable lie is concocted and at some point in the future the truth does come out (as it has a habit of doing), I'd imagine that would also be devastating.

Whatever happens, I think Vroombroom's posting serves as a cautionary tale because it appears that is a similar case and the relationship with the Father has been massively damaged as a result.....so there does seem to be a pretty real danger that, if he handles this badly, he could end up having no relationship with one child and a bad relationship with the other.

I do feel really sorry for the op because, no matter which way you spin this one, multiple people will suffer.

peachyprice

Welshwoofs wrote: »

If the Op's child is aware of this new sibling and is upset, I'd think that one of the biggest upcoming challenges if he keeps to his current decision is how to tell that child why she'll never meet her half-sibling. If the child is told the truth, that Daddy doesn't want to know, that could be devastating. On the other hand, if some more palatable lie is concocted and at some point in the future the truth does come out (as it has a habit of doing), I'd imagine that would also be devastating.

Whatever happens, I think Vroombroom's posting serves as a cautionary tale because it appears that is a similar case and the relationship with the Father has been massively damaged as a result.....so there does seem to be a pretty real danger that, if he handles this badly, he could end up having no relationship with one child and a bad relationship with the other.

I do feel really sorry for the op because, no matter which way you spin this one, multiple people will suffer.

This whole sorry affair reminds me of the situation my mum was/is is.

My nan was her husbands second wife, he left her when my mum was 2 and her twin sisters newborn. Mum's father was never spoken about even though he sent money for the girls every week.

My mum heard my nan talking to a boy who was a few years older than her at the door one day, he was asking my nan if he could see his sisters, nan sent him away, telling him he'd got it wrong and told my mum she'd heard wrong. To the day she died she denied the existance of this boy, insisting my mum had got it wrong.

A few years ago my aunt did the family tree and confirmed that this boy, their brother, did exist, unfortunately he'd died the year before. My aunt has been in contact with other family members and has finally been able to piece together their paternal family. Seems their dad wasn't the bad man they'd always been told he was and wrote to my nan regularly to ask if he could see his girls and if they could meet their bother.

They all feel extremely betrayed by their own mother and desparately sad that their brother died before they had a chance to meet him.