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alias-alibi - I really do feel for you. You are in a nightmare position, as is your daughter, and it's not your fault.
Both the children are innocents in these circumstances, that is true. But I think you have responsibility for your daughter, not for the other baby. Of course you shouldn't actively seek to harm her, but you aren't doing that, and won't, I'm sure.
I'm not one of those saying you should just leave your husband, etc. I think that's something I'd rarely say, as it's your relationship, you are in it.
However, I don't think that you are necessarily viewing your husband's and the other woman's conduct in the right relative light.
You seem to paint what your husband did as if these things sort of happened to him. He was kicked out by you, that's why he went to live with her. She went off the pill, that's why she got pregnant. She didn't want an abortion, that's why there's a child.
You need to accept that what has happened isn't just about the other woman. Your husband chose to have an affair. Your husband chose to move in with her. Your husband chose to have unprotected sex. When she told him she was pregant, he said, "I don't know" instead of being honest about it.
Forget the other woman for a moment - you need to confront and accept his choices, in order to be able to move on. It's not just stuff that happened to him.
When he has apologised, what has he said? Has he said, "I'm sorry all this happened" or similar? If so, he's not accepting responsibility for his own actions.
On a personal level, I couldn't love and live with a man who abandoned his own child, no matter how that child was conceived. I certainly couldn't deal with a child of my OH's conceived after my own child, either. So for me, this situation would be impossible. That doesn't mean I'm telling you to dump him, though. It's your choice....much enquiry having been made concerning a gentleman, who had quitted a company where Johnson was, and no information being obtained; at last Johnson observed, that 'he did not care to speak ill of any man behind his back, but he believed the gentleman was an attorney'.0 -
alias*alibi wrote: »So why should he man up, step up to 'his responsibilities' towards a child he didn't want, hasn't seen and has no emotional connection with?
Firstly, I am very sorry for the situation you are facing. It's horrid.
However, I would like to point out that your husband was as much responsible for contraception, as she was. He could've worn a condom, he didn't. THAT is why he has to man up and face his responsibilities.
Whatever the circumstances were around the conception of this child is quite irrelevant now. The child is here, the child is innocent, and the child deserves, at the very least, for the father to do his best to be there for them.
The fact that he won't, speaks volumes about him. And I'm sorry, but it is not positive.
Yes, the OW was vile to you, but that should have no bearing on whether or not your husband wants to have a relationship with the child.February wins: Theatre tickets0 -
cheepskate wrote: »I always hate the way women shout for equality in everything, yet there is no equality for a man when it comes to a child-
Well said :T0 -
Oldernotwiser wrote: »The child of the marriage should be more important to the OP's husband than the child of the affair. That seems obvious to me.
I hope that the other child does have a happy family but the birth father shouldn't have to be part of it.
I'm truly shocked you said that ONW!
Really.
I don't know what to say.February wins: Theatre tickets0 -
euronorris wrote: »I'm truly shocked you said that ONW!
Really.
I don't know what to say.
Well, I've been truly shocked by most of the attitudes expressed here, so I suppose it balances out.0 -
To all those saying my husband should face up to his responsibilities. Why? I know there is no emotional connection; he feels nothing towards a child he has never seen. Who would in all fairness? I am not going to pressure my husband into doing something that he doesn't want to do. I have already said numerous times that what he did to both me AND the OW is despicable and wrong. However; that does not make him a monster. He made a huge ruddy mistake and caused one hell of a mess in doing so. To condemn him for the one mistake he has made throughout our 8 year relationship would be wrong. Also where have i said I lay all the blame on the OW? Read my earlier posts back. They both cheated on their respective partners; however, i DO view her in a worse light as she had no children; she knew my husband has a family when she partaked in the affair and knew she was helping to rip a family apart. So yes I blame her slightly more and due to her complete lack of morals and emailing me earlier this year to gloat that 'she would have a better life than me' makes her lowlife scum in my eyes.
Also there is absolutely no point in my husband being in the baby's life if it isn't going to be constant; which it won't due to the whole sorry mess and understandable hatred caused.
To those wondering what my child thinks? She knows. Before me and my husband got back together again she had a breakdown asking why daddy was having another daughter, she was daddy's daughter and why wasn't she enough. I'm not putting MY daughter through anymore emotional carp. She knows the other one exists; there will be no secrets and when she asks any questions they will be answered truthfully. When she is older if she wishes to find her half sister then we will not stop her doing so.0 -
alias*alibi wrote: »Quite simply; if I'd had an affair with a married man who said he didn't want kids and I went ahead with the pregnancy knowing that then I'd expect to be treated exactly the same.
Still; I have morals and wouldn't had got myself in that situation in the first place!
:eek::eek: hun it takes 2 blame her as much as you want, he was there he could have said no... but he didnt.
seems your forgetting she was good enough 2leave for but know shes what?? got what she deserves ....Ignore reality.There's nothing you can do about it.
I have done reading too!
personally test's all her own finds0 -
:eek::eek: hun it takes 2 blame her as much as you want, he was there he could have said no... but he didnt.
seems your forgetting she was good enough 2leave for but know shes what?? got what she deserves ....
She knew she was helping to rip a family apart just to get her rocks off. She had NO family to rip apart.
And I said 'helped' which means both equal. Read my post above.0 -
:eek::eek: hun it takes 2 blame her as much as you want, he was there he could have said no... but he didnt.
seems your forgetting she was good enough 2leave for but know shes what?? got what she deserves ....
If it helps the OP to cope with the situation and hold her marriage and family together, I don't see the problem with blaming the other woman more.
If her husband were to be unfaithful in the future, that would be a different matter.0 -
Maybe you and your husband should grow up and get over yourselves. The baby did not ever ask to be born. She didn't ask for a loser of a father who doesn't want anything to do with her for something that is not her fault at all. Then you sit there wallowing in yourself, and for you forget that the only true victim in all this is an innocent baby. Sounds like you and your husband belong together. It makes me so angry that people act the way you and him, you can't throw away a child like a piece of garbage. :mad:0
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