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alias*alibi wrote: »Erm, the breakdown is what made us get our !!!!!! together for our daughters mental health.
Not really interested in hearing any more husband bashing. Until YOU have been in this situation then you have no idea. I bet you wouldn't lovingly welcome your husbands lovechild into your family with open arms either! You're all good at the talk; I'd like to see you walk the walk in this situation.
I have actually my bf left me just before I had my baby for someone else, he is a complete tool and has barely seen his daughter and im actually communicating with his new gf to sort him out because she doesnt agree with him shirking his responibilities either, there is nothing to be gained by arguing and being bitter towards the new girlfriend, what I want is for my daughter to know who she is and where she came from, and that is by having a relationship with both parents, so if that means putting my hurt and feelings aside for the sake of my daughter then il do it in heartbeat.
Im still hurt and upset but my daughter is of paramount importance, the feeling of hurt I feel for my child when I lok at her knowing her dad is avoiding bonding with her is awful and I will do whatever it takes to make sure she is not another casualty in this sorry mess.0 -
fluffnutter wrote: »Perhaps this baby is very much wanted. You do realise this other woman is just as protective of her child as you are over your own. To her and her family this child's far more important than yours because it's theirs. Yours doesn't suddenly get the 'more important prize' just because it was the one born in wedlock.
I guess it's difficult but why can't you separate your anger about this woman and your husband (although to be honest you don't seem that cross with him any more) from feelings about a child - who is totally innocent in all this.
Jeez, you actually reading my posts? The OW didn't initially want the baby; how many more times do I need to post that? So SHE chose to go ahead with a pregnancy knowing my husband and she didn't want it.
Why would I have malice towards a baby I've never met? Can't stand the OW and wish her all the !!!!!! in the world granted. If that makes me a nasty individual then so be it. Past caring to be honest.0 -
alias*alibi wrote: »Dont sweat it Olderbutwiser. They can all voice their opinions and have a pop sat in their cost uncomplicated lives but put them in this situation most would crumble and do the exact opposite of what they have posted. It must feel extremely fulfilling being so self righteous on the end of a keyboard.
My life is anything but uncomplicated.
I'm not in your situation, granted. But that doesn't mean that I don't have equally horrid things to deal with in my life right now.
Same goes for everyone else on this thread. None of us know exactly what situation(s) another poster is dealing with, so we shouldn't presume to know unless they tell us about it.February wins: Theatre tickets0 -
alias*alibi wrote: »Not really interested in hearing any more husband bashing. Until YOU have been in this situation then you have no idea. I bet you wouldn't lovingly welcome your husbands lovechild into your family with open arms either! You're all good at the talk; I'd like to see you walk the walk in this situation.
No you're right, most women wouldn't welcome their husbands lovechild into their lives, but most women wouldn't take a husband back who had left them for another woman, got her pregnant then decided the grass wasn't greener after all.
You decided to take him back, you knew there was a baby but decided you could cope with that, if you're having second thoughts because you cant stand a lifetime of constant reminders you should be telling him, not getting upset because people on the internet aren't seeing him through your rose tinted glasses.Accept your past without regret, handle your present with confidence and face your future without fear0 -
I have actually my bf left me just before I had my baby for someone else, he is a complete tool and has barely seen his daughter and im actually communicating with his new gf to sort him out because she doesnt agree with him shirking his responibilities either, there is nothing to be gained by arguing and being bitter towards the new girlfriend, what I want is for my daughter to know who she is and where she came from, and that is by having a relationship with both parents, so if that means putting my hurt and feelings aside for the sake of my daughter then il do it in heartbeat.
Im still hurt and upset but my daughter is of paramount importance, the feeling of hurt I feel for my child when I lok at her knowing her dad is avoiding bonding with her is awful and I will do whatever it takes to make sure she is not another casualty in this sorry mess.
Explains why you are being so negative to me. Doesn't mean that I deserve to be given a hard time just because your situation is similar to the OW in my case. Also I doubt you had a baby with a married man.0 -
alias*alibi wrote: »To all those saying my husband should face up to his responsibilities. Why? I know there is no emotional connection; he feels nothing towards a child he has never seen. Who would in all fairness? I am not going to pressure my husband into doing something that he doesn't want to do. I have already said numerous times that what he did to both me AND the OW is despicable and wrong. However; that does not make him a monster. He made a huge ruddy mistake and caused one hell of a mess in doing so. To condemn him for the one mistake he has made throughout our 8 year relationship would be wrong. Also where have i said I lay all the blame on the OW? Read my earlier posts back. They both cheated on their respective partners; however, i DO view her in a worse light as she had no children; she knew my husband has a family when she partaked in the affair and knew she was helping to rip a family apart. So yes I blame her slightly more and due to her complete lack of morals and emailing me earlier this year to gloat that 'she would have a better life than me' makes her lowlife scum in my eyes.
Also there is absolutely no point in my husband being in the baby's life if it isn't going to be constant; which it won't due to the whole sorry mess and understandable hatred caused.
To those wondering what my child thinks? She knows. Before me and my husband got back together again she had a breakdown asking why daddy was having another daughter, she was daddy's daughter and why wasn't she enough. I'm not putting MY daughter through anymore emotional carp. She knows the other one exists; there will be no secrets and when she asks any questions they will be answered truthfully. When she is older if she wishes to find her half sister then we will not stop her doing so.
I do appreciate how difficult this must be for you. I haven't been husband bashing but rather just giving my opinion. I haven't suggested you leave your husband as that is your choice and you've clearly made it.
However, I am going to say what I think now, primarily because you clearly have in your recent posts. You talk about blaming the OW more because she took part in the affair, she knew she was ripping a family apart etc etc... I'm afraid you're husband knew all of those things also and he chose to continue. If he didn't want other children he shouldn't have been having unprotected sex with another women - simple!
You clearly aren't coping well and I really do feel for you and I have no wish to further annoy you in any way so I'll bow out now.
I do genuinely wish you all the best for the future and I hope things get resolved in a way that you are happy with.
Good Luck.0 -
Though having said the above, if you and your husband can 'demonise' the OW equally, him shifting his guilt on her alone and you tacitly agreeing to him doing that and shift your anger at him onto her as well ...then you may both be able to move on as a couple.
The OW may not have wanted the baby initially ( quite probably because she sussed your husband would do a runner !) .... that doesn't mean she didn't come to want it or at least not feel able to abort it.This is a system account and does not represent a real person. To contact the Forum Team email forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com0 -
peachyprice wrote: »No you're right, most women wouldn't welcome their husbands lovechild into their lives, but most women wouldn't take a husband back who had left them for another woman, got her pregnant then decided the grass wasn't greener after all.
You decided to take him back, you knew there was a baby but decided you could cope with that, if you're having second thoughts because you cant stand a lifetime of constant reminders you should be telling him, not getting upset because people on the internet aren't seeing him through your rose tinted glasses.
Greener grass? Rose tinted glasses? Having second thought? Sorry, what thread have you been reading as those are not words I've ever written; again all assumptions made.
I'll take most comments made on here on board but I'm not going to call it a day with my marriage because the majority have bashed my husband to a pulp and think he's a monster. I certainly do not have rose tinted glasses on and by god yes he had better know the grass is greener with me long term or his !!!!! is toast.0 -
alias*alibi wrote: »Explains why you are being so negative to me. Doesn't mean that I deserve to be given a hard time just because your situation is similar to the OW in my case. Also I doubt you had a baby with a married man.
How am I being negative to you?! Your the one being negative and defensive because you havent been given the answers you wanted to hear. If you didnt want honest answers then you shouldnt of posted the thread, nobody is trying to give you a hard time, why would they? your a stranger on the internet for heavens sake, but people are giving their honest answers to the situation you have presented.
No I didnt have a baby with a married man, and no im not the other woman, but I am a mother, I have been left in the lurch and yes there is another woman, its heartbreaking, its not what I wanted for my baby, but it has happend and im trying to deal with it the best way I can for my baby, you need to do the same, you need to put that hatred for the other woman to bed because the rate your going your heading for a breakdown, that hatred isnt healthy, not for you or anyone else, particulary to two innocent children caught up in this bitterness. Thats the point people are trying to make, this will never work, and you will always struggle if u dont let go of that anger.0 -
quantumleap wrote: »I do appreciate how difficult this must be for you. I haven't been husband bashing but rather just giving my opinion. I haven't suggested you leave your husband as that is your choice and you've clearly made it.
However, I am going to say what I think now, primarily because you clearly have in your recent posts. You talk about blaming the OW more because she took part in the affair, she knew she was ripping a family apart etc etc... I'm afraid you're husband knew all of those things also and he chose to continue. If he didn't want other children he shouldn't have been having unprotected sex with another women - simple!
You clearly aren't coping well and I really do feel for you and I have no wish to further annoy you in any way so I'll bow out now.
I do genuinely wish you all the best for the future and I hope things get resolved in a way that you are happy with.
Good Luck.
That's why i said she 'helped'; not fully responsible. I know they ate both the blame but it's only human nature I'm going to feel more malice towards her.
Thanks for your best wishes; much appreciated.0
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