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  • fluffnutter
    fluffnutter Posts: 23,179 Forumite
    Jeez, you actually reading my posts? The OW didn't initially want the baby; how many more times do I need to post that? So SHE chose to go ahead with a pregnancy knowing my husband and she didn't want it.

    Why would I have malice towards a baby I've never met? Can't stand the OW and wish her all the !!!!!! in the world granted. If that makes me a nasty individual then so be it. Past caring to be honest.

    You're not nasty, you're just angry. Understandably so. Perhaps I'm talking more about other people's posts (not yours admittedly) that suggest that this second child is 'not as important'. To you perhaps. But not to its mother. And, quite honestly, it should be important to its father too.

    But I'm guessing you're happier it's not. It makes it easier for you if your husband wants nothing to do with it. That's understandable, but it still leaves a kid with no dad. So he didn't want it. So what? It's here now. Time to man up.

    And, as an aside, are you sure she didn't want this baby? Or is that just what your husband tells you?
    "Growth for growth's sake is the ideology of the cancer cell" - Edward Abbey.
  • newcook
    newcook Posts: 5,001 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    Jeez, you actually reading my posts? The OW didn't initially want the baby; how many more times do I need to post that? So SHE chose to go ahead with a pregnancy knowing my husband and she didn't want it.

    Why would I have malice towards a baby I've never met? Can't stand the OW and wish her all the !!!!!! in the world granted. If that makes me a nasty individual then so be it. Past caring to be honest.


    I thought you'd said earlier in the thread that you felt this was one of the things that split up her marriage as she wanted children?

    when she told your OH she was pregnant and asked 'will this affect us' he should have said 'yes it will' instead of 'I dont know'.
    he also should have been using other forms of contraception knowing that she wasnt on the pill for whatever reason (or had the snip seeing as he didnt want anymore children)

    while I really feel for your situation, the other woman is also in this situation except her daughters daddy doesn’t want to know. You know exactly how she is feeling to have the man you love abandon his family. The only person not a victim in this is your husband.

    Whether you two have a relationship with the other child is up to your husband – you cannot pressure him into seeing the child or to have nothing to do with her as in the long run it sounds like it would only backfire and you will be ‘blamed’ for whichever choice was made.
  • alias*alibi
    alias*alibi Posts: 552 Forumite
    edited 27 October 2011 at 4:24PM
    DanE2010 wrote: »
    How am I being negative to you?! Your the one being negative and defensive because you havent been given the answers you wanted to hear. If you didnt want honest answers then you shouldnt of posted the thread, nobody is trying to give you a hard time, why would they? your a stranger on the internet for heavens sake, but people are giving their honest answers to the situation you have presented.

    No I didnt have a baby with a married man, and no im not the other woman, but I am a mother, I have been left in the lurch and yes there is another woman, its heartbreaking, its not what I wanted for my baby, but it has happend and im trying to deal with it the best way I can for my baby, you need to do the same, you need to put that hatred for the other woman to bed because the rate your going your heading for a breakdown, that hatred isnt healthy, not for you or anyone else, particulary to two innocent children caught up in this bitterness. Thats the point people are trying to make, this will never work, and you will always struggle if u dont let go of that anger.

    I am trying to let go of the anger but to be fair the anger is totally justified in my view and it's still early days and raw. I am in counselling and have been for a few months and maybe it will help in the long run.

    I totally appreciate what you are saying and I am sorry you are having a tough time too in similar circumstances, but I'm sorry but I just cannot feel any empathy towards the OW at all. She knew what she was getting into bringing the baby into the world. If a man has said he doesn't want anymore kids then you have to appreciate that and if you chose to go ahead with the pregnancy then you have to get on with it knowing there is a big possibility that you will end up being a single parent. You cannot make a man be a father if he doesn't want to be. Rightly or wrongly. That was aimed at the OW in my situation by the way; not you.
  • alias*alibi
    alias*alibi Posts: 552 Forumite
    edited 27 October 2011 at 4:23PM
    Newcook; husband told me she wanted kids with her ex but as he had 3 from a previous marriage he didn't want anymore. On one of the telephone conversations I've had with the OW when she found out she was pregnant she said to me 'this isn't what I planned to happen as I don't want kids'...so who knows who was telling the truth.

    Edited to say she found out on boxing day she was pregnant; apparently they were going to the boxing day sales until she found out she was pregnant then she spent the day at home depressed and my husband went to his parents. Says it all how much that pregnancy was wanted.
  • You're not nasty, you're just angry. Understandably so. Perhaps I'm talking more about other people's posts (not yours admittedly) that suggest that this second child is 'not as important'. To you perhaps. But not to its mother. And, quite honestly, it should be important to its father too.

    But I'm guessing you're happier it's not. It makes it easier for you if your husband wants nothing to do with it. That's understandable, but it still leaves a kid with no dad. So he didn't want it. So what? It's here now. Time to man up.

    And, as an aside, are you sure she didn't want this baby? Or is that just what your husband tells you?

    See my post to newcook; straight from the OW mouth
  • fluffnutter
    fluffnutter Posts: 23,179 Forumite
    If a man gas said he doesn't want anymore kids then you have to appreciate that and if you chose to go ahead with the pregnancy then you have to get on with it knowing you will end up being a single parent. You cannot make a man be a father if he doesn't want to be. Rightly or wrongly. That was aimed at the OW in my situation by the way; not you.

    That's so depressing. It's probably what women have been telling themselves for years to let men off the hook.

    If a man doesn't want any more kids then he should be taking responsibility for contraception. Of course you 'cannot make a man be a father if he doesn't want to be' but Christ, you shouldn't have to! Real men look after their children.

    Really, you are making excuse after excuse for your husband's atrocious behaviour. He left you, he got another women pregnant, he came crawling back to you with the sweetener that all will be OK because he'll happily abandon this other woman and the child that was the result of his actions.

    You might not have wanted a husband-bashing thread, but honestly? What did you expect?
    "Growth for growth's sake is the ideology of the cancer cell" - Edward Abbey.
  • DanE2010
    DanE2010 Posts: 1,909 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    edited 27 October 2011 at 4:27PM
    I am trying to let go of the anger but to be fair the anger is totally justified in my view and it's still early days and raw. I am in counselling and have been for a few months and maybe it will help in the long run.

    I totally appreciate what you are saying and I am sorry you are having a tough time too in similar circumstances, but I'm sorry but I just cannot feel any empathy towards the OW at all. She knew what she was getting into bringing the baby into the world. If a man gas said he doesn't want anymore kids then you have to appreciate that and if you chose to go ahead with the pregnancy then you have to get on with it knowing you will end up being a single parent. You cannot make a man be a father if he doesn't want to be. Rightly or wrongly. That was aimed at the OW in my situation by the way; not you.

    Im not saying you sholud feel empathy for the OW, im saying you should let go of that fire in your belly because its not helping you and most of all its not helping the children.

    I understand its stll raw at the moment and hopefully in time that fire in your belly will lessen, rational decisions cannot be made with that level of grief/anger imo.

    maybe when the anger has lessened you can then see how best to proceed, til then your stuck in this bubble of anger and you wont be able to move on and rebuild your marriage.

    Your too ngry to accept there is another baby at the moment but the time will come one day when you will have to tackle that hurdle, same goes for hubby, regardless of emtional attachment, that issue cannot be papered over and ignored and you will both need to tackle that at some point, and in imo he marriage cant move forward until it has, but the raw anger and hurt must lessen first for it to be dealt with appropriately.
  • euronorris
    euronorris Posts: 12,247 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper PPI Party Pooper
    I totally appreciate what you are saying and I am sorry you are having a tough time too in similar circumstances, but I'm sorry but I just cannot feel any empathy towards the OW at all. She knew what she was getting into bringing the baby into the world. If a man gas said he doesn't want anymore kids then you have to appreciate that and if you chose to go ahead with the pregnancy then you have to get on with it knowing you will end up being a single parent. You cannot make a man be a father if he doesn't want to be. Rightly or wrongly. That was aimed at the OW in my situation by the way; not you.

    Did she? From what you've told us, she asked your husband if it would affect their relationship, and he said 'I don't know'. Not, 'Yes, it will'.

    Also, just because someone didn't plan on having a child (or another child), doesn't mean that they wouldn't still welcome and love that child if it happened. Perhaps she wrongly assumed that that is what he would do.

    It sounds like a proper conversation about how to proceed, never happened.

    By the time she realised he wouldn't, it was too late.

    She's not innocent, no, but she is a victim here too. But mostly, your child and her child are victims.

    The fact is, the child is here and deserves a father. Just because he can't be there 24/7 doesn't mean that the child is better off without a father at all. At least, that's what my OH's and friends experiences have taught me.
    February wins: Theatre tickets
  • DeeDee74
    DeeDee74 Posts: 2,941 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture Combo Breaker
    so he found out boxing day she was pregnant when did he leave her??
    Ignore reality.There's nothing you can do about it.
    I have done reading too!
    personally test's all her own finds
  • alias*alibi
    alias*alibi Posts: 552 Forumite
    edited 27 October 2011 at 4:42PM
    DeeDee74 wrote: »
    so he found out boxing day she was pregnant when did he leave her??

    July; although he tried in January and again in April. I wouldn't take him back on those previous two occasions. It took our daughters meltdown to make me see sense. The OW knew he wasn't happy; he had a breakdown over it all and was signed off sick from work but neither of them addressed the issue until it was too late and he flipped. I won't go into the details but for his sanity he had to leave and moved back in with his parents for 2 months.
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