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MoreOn

Round and round in circles it goes playing the blame game......

I'm glad my glass is half full...

Seanymph

I don't see it going around and around.

I see a whole heap of people giving up their time to help the OP to see more clearly. Whilst she absolutely clearly doesn't WANT to move her anger and blame towards her unfaithful husband and obviously wants to buy into his excuses and blame the OW - those who are steering her that way know that it will aid her recovery, mental health, and future outlook to start that process. So they are continuing to try and support her with that.

They are also trying to make a difference for the child's sake, knowing that they will never get to talk to the OW or the father of the child they are expressing to the OP that they feel the child should receive consideration.

It's not going around and around, but 'trying to be supportive' that I see going on here.

nickih28

alias*alibi wrote: »

Ok, let's get one thing straight. He told her he wanted no more children. When OW found out she was pregnant she asked if it would ruin their 'relationship' and my husband replied with 'I don't know' but knew deep down inside it signalled the end. Also the OW claimed she only became pregnant after having to stop taking the pill due to a condition and that she didn't initially want the baby but is catholic (only when it suits it seems) and stood by her religion. The baby WASNT WANTED by either of them; she knew he didn't want anymore children, it was HER CHOICE to keep the pregnancy going, my husband had no say in it. So why should he man up, step up to 'his responsibilities' towards a child he didn't want, hasn't seen and has no emotional connection with? He was a sperm donor, simple as. He is supporting the baby financially but his emotional ties are with me and our child. My own father walked out on me when I was about a year old, i have never seen his since, he has fathered more kids and never paid my mum a penny. So quantumleap I have been in your shoes but if o feel this is a reason I feel my husband should 'man up' and take his responsibilities seriously then sorry to disappoint you.

These two things stand out to me, only the pregnancy signalled the end, so if there was no baby he would still be with OW ??

And if he hasnt met the baby how can he know there will be no emotional connection, he may fall head over heels as he will surely see the baby at some point even if its bumping into OW in the street with baby

i hope it does work out well for OP but in my experience he is back with her becuase he feels guilty over their daughters breakdown and didnt want another baby, and the guilt wont last forever and then possibly another affair could well start, hope i am wrong tho

FBaby

OP, you're feeling angry is not just understandable and normal, but also a stage that you need to go through to be able to move on. The fact that this anger is directed at the OW is inevitable since you can't get angry at the child, nor at your husband since you want to make it work with him, so the OW is the logical target. When the anger goes, you will see how misplaced it is and how the OW was as much a victim as you, because she probably went along with many promises that your OH told her. You rightly defend your right not to care about the child let alone her, indeed, it is not your problem nor your responsibility, but then you accuse her of having taken that same position. When she was fed by all the lies your hubby was telling about you, she believed him and thought they could have a relationship together. She thought just like you do now that your feelings or that of your child was not her concern nor her responsibility. Indeed, just like it is your hubby's responsibility to deal with what he left behind with her, it was his responsibility to accept the damage he was causing in your relationship.

Welshwoofs wrote: »

Wouldn't it therefore be rather likely that he does the same thing in reverse; telling his wife a load of stories to make himself look like a victim so that she feels sorry for him and is therefore more likely to forgive him and direct her anger at the OW?

.

I regretfully agree with this. Despite your ackowledging that he fed the OW with lies about you, you seem to take for gospel all what he is telling you about her and what happened. Do you, after all what happened, trully trust everything he tells you? Do you really believe him when he says that he told her he definitely didn't want more children, when he says he wasn't happy at all with her (yet managed to stay 7 months?), that your husband never said anything about it being ok for her to keep the baby, or even that he might possibly have said that he would stand by her?

Person_one

alias*alibi wrote: »

The reason my husband eventually had to leave the OW is because of the level of violence she was displaying.

I thought it was because he'd realised his mistake and wanted you back?

At this point OP, my only advice is to stick with counselling, I hope this awful situation improves soon for all the victims involved.

essexgirly

I'd like to share a little story. Many years ago, a close friend of mine was with her childhood sweetheart, they decided to try for a baby. Two months prior to this baby being born, my friend finds out that the her boyfriend (of many years) had got another girl (next door) pregnant. The two children were born weeks apart.

My friend went through trauma after being with this man for so many years of her life. So, she eventually listened to him, it was all the OW fault, how she had came on to him etc etc. So, she took him back and then she fell pregnant again. Two months after her daughter was born, the boyfriend disappears for weeks on end, friend finds out that he is on holiday with ANOTHER woman, yes you guessed it, she was pregnant too. Well this pattern continued over many years (friend dumped him) and he eventually ended up with 7 children, continually promising each woman they were special, having children with them, then not being able to keep his c**k in his pants, meeting another woman and starting the whole process again.

Well, what I'm trying to say in this long drawn out episode is..... That after 7 children and eventually realising that he is a womanising cheat. His children all have a close bond together, not once has he excluded any one of them. He has a fairly substantial house and each weekend (for the past twenty or so years) each and every child has spent the weekend with him. He provides for them, takes them on holiday and they all absolutely idolise him.

Each one of these children's mothers, went through what the op went through. But he stood his guns and provided emotional and financial stability for his children because they were his responsibility. He loves them and in all honesty, those children are extremely close.

So OP. please don't blame the Other Woman all the time. Men have the ability to tell lies and keep an interested party on a piece of string. Do not let the children suffer. They have futures and lives to look forward to and it is not their fault that their dad always thinks the grass is greener and cant keep his pecker under control.

(probably not worded the above in the best way, but I hope you all get my gist). Parents have responsibilities......

MoreOn

alias*alibi wrote: »

Ok, so as I'm reading these replies I've been asking my husband why he cannot see the baby eventually fitting in with our family. His first response was the grief he would get from the OW; she would be a nightmare. I asked if we let things calm down then rethink it in possibly six months time he might feel differently. He said he might.

The reason my husband eventually had to leave the OW is because of the level of violence she was displaying. She threw things at him, moaned about the amount of contact he was having with our daughter telling him things had better change when the baby comes along. The crunch came after a huge row when things got damaged andy husbands mental state was starting to suffer. He is now on high dosage anti-d's. This apparently is what she does after throwing a full bottle of wine at her ex husbands head.

So I am guessing my husbands reluctance in getting to know the baby is because he can't handle anymore stress or grief off of her.

Still so many being critcial of you and OH...


This says more about the importance of OH and your daughter getting well, then repairing your lives than anything else. You have loads of stress and what you are doing is the BEST you possibly can, with all the best intentions, you should be proud of yourself! I cannot say you've made any wrong decisions, as far as i'm concerned your mum should be proud of the person you've become...

Kay_Peel

alias*alibi wrote: »

..... the breakdown is what made us get our !!!!!! together for our daughters mental health.

The information about your daughter's breakdown confirms my view that your own family unit MUST be your priority.

I hope you have a very good support network to help you in the real world, since you have had a very distressing time when you asked for help here.

Shame.

alias*alibi

More-on and Kay Peel; thanks so much.

I can't win! I know the OW was violent. Trust me, I do! Ive seen the medication my husband is on and it's strong gear because at one point he felt like taking his own life due to the mess and the situation he found himself living in. No, he hasn't just left the OW because of the violence; that just cemented that he needed to get the hell away from her before he did something stupid and our daughters meltdown is what enforced that we needed to be a family unit again FOR EVERONES SANITY. The OW husband confirmed to me she is a 'nut job' and he was better with her out of his life There are things I know which I'm not prepared to put on here because I didn't initially come in here to lay everything bare.

Bring it on; I'm ready :-)

alias*alibi

jungle_jane wrote: »

seriously guys, all these people insisting that OP's husband must play a role in this baby's life...do you really think that OW is going to allow him to be anything other than a cash machine?! OP has already said several times that OW is extremely hostile and her behaviour (along with the father) has been consistently deplorable in all ways for at least the past year - and its getting worse. She has behaved according to her own agenda up to now and is spitting chips now that things aren't going her way. In light of this, can you really see her being happy for the father to play a role in the baby's life? to hand the child over to the father...discuss parenting issues with the father...consult the father in decision making? OW doesn't come across as a person who considers other peoples needs before her own!

the ONLY way that him playing a part in the baby's life is achievable is with the willing co-operation of the PWC. This is certainly not the case here. These things are difficult enough to achieve with most divorces...let alone something as nightmarish as this situation...

If I could thank this more than once I would. Thank you!!