MODS - please delete thread

alias*alibi

DeeDee74 wrote: »

exactly my point......
hes painting the ow to be off her head and he couldnt cope with her anger problems but correct me if im wrong he took your daughter there?
if shes that mad he would fight 2 see his new daughter and not leave her with this woman.... well a REAL man would...............

No, my daughter never met the OW as i wouldn't allow it due to what I knew about her. She already started to resent my daughter due to the amount of time my husband was seeing her and was already trying to put her unborn child first over mine by telling my husband things had better change over the amount if time he spent with our daughter.

As said previously; my husband's mental state just isn't in the right frame of mind to even contact the OW; let alone fight over access.

essexgirly

alias*alibi wrote: »

No, my daughter never met the OW as i wouldn't allow it due to what I knew about her. She already started to resent my daughter due to the amount of time my husband was seeing her and was already trying to put her unborn child first over mine by telling my husband things had better change over the amount if time he spent with our daughter.

As said previously; my husband's mental state just isn't in the right frame of mind to even contact the OW; let alone fight over access.

I have every understanding for you, I've walked those steps with my best friend, I lived and breathed her emotions for several years.

Can you not see that the OW is being territorial, she is trying to protect her interests (ie her child) which is exactly the same as you are doing, and yes I make you both right, children should be protected.

You have only just mentioned your husband's mental state. Is this state a reaction to the situation, was it in place before he met the other woman? We do not know. But likewise we (as in the people on this forum) know, that there is a child out there, unbeknown to all this that is going on, that will sometime in the future need support, Your husband chose his direction, he should hold his hands up and be a man and support that child (and yours too) and neither you or the OW, should stand in his way.

Forget about your issues, forget about how she came along blah blah blah, if he was happy in his marriage he would not have gone off. But that is all history. You ALL need to concentrate on the two most precious things that have come out of this sad story. That is the two girls who have no choice.

deb68_2

alias*alibi wrote: »

Quite simply; if I'd had an affair with a married man who said he didn't want kids and I went ahead with the pregnancy knowing that then I'd expect to be treated exactly the same.

Still; I have morals and wouldn't had got myself in that situation in the first place!

Hi
Dont have much advice here if you want to chat
sending you (((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
easy to say but hold your head up an smile even when you dont want to smile dont let them think they are getting to you
YES you are going to be hurting an it will take time,if you believe its worth fighting for you do it

easy for people have a go an say leave him, you do whats right for you an your little 1
deb xx

deb68_2

Taadaa wrote: »

The woman has said she is bowing out of this thread because of the husband bashing but still some of you are persisting? Jees.....! She doesn't have to explain her actions to any of us; she wanted advice and support on how to cope, not widespread condemnation. If you don't have anything constructive to offer in relation to what she is asking, politely move along.

totally agree shes having hard enough time as it is

Welshwoofs

alias*alibi wrote: »

I know the OW was violent. Trust me, I do! Ive seen the medication my husband is on and it's strong gear because at one point he felt like taking his own life due to the mess and the situation he found himself living in.

Being on anti-depressants isn't proof that what he told you about her is true. All that is proof of is that he's on anti-depressants.

The OW husband confirmed to me she is a 'nut job' and he was better with her out of his life

Just as he confirmed to her all those nasty things he said about you, which you know were lies. A cheating lover hauling themselves out of the carp by painting the other party as the demon of the piece is the oldest trick in the book and I simply don't understand how you can accept that he lied his head off to her about you, but can't accept that everything he's told you about her may not be factual either.

Actually, strike that because I do understand, it's just occurred to me that you're choosing to accept what he tells you on face value because that's actually your coping strategy and your way of getting through it. It's probably easier to forgive him if you believe the OW is a demented psychopath of horror film proportions (which, if she were, you'd have to wonder why he went back to her...twice), rather than a normal woman, like yourself, who did something rather stupid. Still, if it's a coping strategy that works for you, go for it - I'll keep my fingers crossed for you that it works.

splishsplash

Four months on, you're struggling with the situation because you still think you can put it behind you like it never happened.
You simply cannot do this.

Your husband chose to be unfaithful with the OW. This relationship resulted in a child that will be a part of him forever more.
He has responsibilities towards his new baby daughter that should go beyond financial, and he is reneging on these responsibilities as easily as he turned his back on his marriage vows.
As much as you want to believe that ONW is right, I think you know in your heart of hearts that what she says really doesn't ring true when you look past the prideful, damage-limitation type reaction we would all have in your situation. I understand the urge to scramble desperately to get things back to the way they were, but it simply does not work that way.
Four months later, I think you're beginning to realise that too.
Your daughter is paying a heavy price for your husband's decision to be unfaithful with the OW. Your husband's fragile mental state really cannot be blamed on OW, no matter how much you would like it to be. It sounds like it has sparked a really strong mothering reaction in you though, so that works well for your husband, I guess? You defend him because you feel sorry for him?

Things are different, things have changed, you may not like the situation you find yourself in, but it is what it is. It’s not your fault, it’s not fair, you shouldn’t have to deal with it, your daughter shouldn’t have to deal with it, but it is what it is. You cannot change it, there are no take-backs, there is no rewind, it is what it is. Try making that your mantra: 'It is what it is.' I think that unless you can really get your head round what has happened and assimilate all the fallout and decide on what you're prepared to live with, you will continue to struggle with the whole situation.

I wish you well, and I hope you have a good network of friends and family that you can vent to and draw strength from – you need it.

neverdespairgirl

alias*alibi wrote: »

July; although he tried in January and again in April. I wouldn't take him back on those previous two occasions. It took our daughters meltdown to make me see sense.

that seems a very alarming couple of sentences, to me. Why did he have to have the option of returing to you in order to leave her? That makes no sense to me.

thistledome

In an ideal world every child would have a loving Mother and a Father, but it's not an ideal world and plenty of us have been brought up just by our Mum's and it's not the tragedy that some on here are making it out to be. I'm glad my dad wasn't forced to play happy families with us, he was an absolute sh@t.

Also, I guarantee that if the OW had come on here and started a thread whinging about being left to hold the baby of a married man who's gone back to his family she'd get the following replies:

a) "You don't need a man like that in your life, you're well rid...etc" (from the Millie Tants)

and

b) "What did you expect? Sleeping with a married man you should have known what would happen..." etc etc (from the Judge Mentals)

I suspect that not many* posters would be saying, "if his Wife had any decency she'd be making him spend time with your baby"! or "OMG, his Wife is putting her own child before yours? That's terrible!"


*i.e., none.

Person_one

thistledome wrote: »

Also, I guarantee that if the OW had come on here and started a thread whinging about being left to hold the baby of a married man who's gone back to his family she'd get the following replies:

a) "You don't need a man like that in your life, you're well rid...etc" (from the Millie Tants)

and

b) "What did you expect? Sleeping with a married man you should have known what would happen..." etc etc (from the Judge Mentals)

I suspect that not many* posters would be saying, "if his Wife had any decency she'd be making him spend time with your baby"! or "OMG, his Wife is putting her own child before yours? That's terrible!"


*i.e., none.

I can't speak for anyone else but I'd be saying "However it all came to be and whatever happens in future, the three of you are all connected now because your children are siblings. It would be in their best interests to try and behave like adults and work it out so they can have a relationship with both their parents and each other."

Pretty much what I've said to the OP...

Am I a 'Millie Tant' or a 'Judge Mental'?

Seanymph

The OP is clearly 'fighting' for her family on here, which she feels validates herself - 'standing up' somehow against the detractors makes her feel unified with the husband and child she has.

She isn't listening.

I think this is terribly sad.

The husband takes the easy way as as life coping mechanism and is parented by his partner and none of the adults in the situation have the werewithal to protect the children. The fact that the child in this marriage was appraised of all developments with it's fathers affairs to the point that she had a 'breakdown' or meltdown' just goes to prove that the OP didn't do her job of protecting her child but used her to emotionally pressure the errant husband. I think the thought of a child being brought to that state by parents who don't shelter them from the marital fall out absolutely horrifies me.

The OP is protecting no one but the husband by deluding herself and she's not listening girls. Nothing you say will make any difference.