📨 Have you signed up to the Forum's new Email Digest yet? Get a selection of trending threads sent straight to your inbox daily, weekly or monthly!

MODS - please delete thread

1272830323353

Comments

  • System
    System Posts: 178,355 Community Admin
    10,000 Posts Photogenic Name Dropper
    I don't think, OP, that your husband is a "monster", I do think he is a weak, selfish man who will let you and your child and the OW and her child suffer rather than face up to any responsibilty. Will he stop being weak and selfish? or will you always be the one who has to soldier on and keep making compromises just to hold on to this man you love? Are you strong enough to be is constant support, do you really want to be?

    I am a 'strong' woman who has, predictably. attracted men who batten on my strength... eventually I decided that if I couldn't have someone my equal, that could be relied upon to deal with things when I needed support, then I was better off going it alone. Less tiring, if rather lonely.
    This is a system account and does not represent a real person. To contact the Forum Team email forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com
  • Ok, so as I'm reading these replies I've been asking my husband why he cannot see the baby eventually fitting in with our family. His first response was the grief he would get from the OW; she would be a nightmare. I asked if we let things calm down then rethink it in possibly six months time he might feel differently. He said he might.

    The reason my husband eventually had to leave the OW is because of the level of violence she was displaying. She threw things at him, moaned about the amount of contact he was having with our daughter telling him things had better change when the baby comes along. The crunch came after a huge row when things got damaged andy husbands mental state was starting to suffer. He is now on high dosage anti-d's. This apparently is what she does after throwing a full bottle of wine at her ex husbands head.

    So I am guessing my husbands reluctance in getting to know the baby is because he can't handle anymore stress or grief off of her.
  • DeeDee74
    DeeDee74 Posts: 2,941 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture Combo Breaker
    July; although he tried in January and again in April. I wouldn't take him back on those previous two occasions. It took our daughters meltdown to make me see sense. The OW knew he wasn't happy; he had a breakdown over it all and was signed off sick from work but neither of them addressed the issue until it was too late and he flipped. I won't go into the details but for his sanity he had to leave and moved back in with his parents for 2 months.

    so why did it take him 7months to leave her if he didnt want her or the baby?
    sorry he knew she was pregnant , if he truely didnt want them he should have left when he found out not wanted till you would take him bk.
    Ignore reality.There's nothing you can do about it.
    I have done reading too!
    personally test's all her own finds
  • Welshwoofs
    Welshwoofs Posts: 11,146 Forumite
    I'll take most comments made on here on board but I'm not going to call it a day with my marriage because the majority have bashed my husband to a pulp and think he's a monster.


    Your husband isn't a monster; he's a human and human beings make mistakes. However what defines our character is how we then handle the mistakes we make - shunning his child (if that's what he ends up doing) isn't handling his mistake, it's sweeping it under the carpet.

    On thing that strikes me is that you've now been back together 4 months and that's quite a long time to still have the level of anger and hatred you appear to have. For a couple to get over a trauma takes a lot of communication.....have you not talked to him about these feelings you're having after so long?

    Other than communicating with your husband, hopefully the counseling will help you cope. Failing that, I'm afraid I can't help but come back to the advice you relayed that your Mother gave you "you took him back so you have to suck it up." and that may means always feeling angry, sick and hurt. I hope it doesn't, but that's a possibility.
    “Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it's like your bank balance - you always have a lot less than you think.”
    Dylan Moran
  • newcook
    newcook Posts: 5,001 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    Ok, so as I'm reading these replies I've been asking my husband why he cannot see the baby eventually fitting in with our family.


    And are you also happy for your child to visit OW and new baby with your OH?
  • Mojisola
    Mojisola Posts: 35,571 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper
    July; although he tried in January and again in April. I wouldn't take him back on those previous two occasions.

    Because you wouldn't take him back, he stayed with the OW! Why couldn't he live somewhere on his own?
  • DeeDee74
    DeeDee74 Posts: 2,941 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture Combo Breaker
    Mojisola wrote: »
    Because you wouldn't take him back, he stayed with the OW! Why couldn't he live somewhere on his own?

    exactly my point......
    hes painting the ow to be off her head and he couldnt cope with her anger problems but correct me if im wrong he took your daughter there?
    if shes that mad he would fight 2 see his new daughter and not leave her with this woman.... well a REAL man would...............
    Ignore reality.There's nothing you can do about it.
    I have done reading too!
    personally test's all her own finds
  • euronorris
    euronorris Posts: 12,247 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper PPI Party Pooper
    Does the OW's violence not raise any concern with you or your husband, about the safety of the child?
    February wins: Theatre tickets
  • seriously guys, all these people insisting that OP's husband must play a role in this baby's life...do you really think that OW is going to allow him to be anything other than a cash machine?! OP has already said several times that OW is extremely hostile and her behaviour (along with the father) has been consistently deplorable in all ways for at least the past year - and its getting worse. She has behaved according to her own agenda up to now and is spitting chips now that things aren't going her way. In light of this, can you really see her being happy for the father to play a role in the baby's life? to hand the child over to the father...discuss parenting issues with the father...consult the father in decision making? OW doesn't come across as a person who considers other peoples needs before her own!

    the ONLY way that him playing a part in the baby's life is achievable is with the willing co-operation of the PWC. This is certainly not the case here. These things are difficult enough to achieve with most divorces...let alone something as nightmarish as this situation...
  • mishkanorman
    mishkanorman Posts: 4,155 Forumite
    DeeDee74 wrote: »
    so why did it take him 7months to leave her if he didnt want her or the baby?
    sorry he knew she was pregnant , if he truely didnt want them he should have left when he found out not wanted till you would take him bk.


    Poor man cant win in this situation, leave as soon as he finds out and and he is an !!!! for not trying to make it work, stay and have a good go at things and he is wrong for dragging it out !??!
    Bow Ties ARE cool :cool:

    "Just because you are offended, doesnt mean you are right" Ricky Gervais :D
This discussion has been closed.
Meet your Ambassadors

🚀 Getting Started

Hi new member!

Our Getting Started Guide will help you get the most out of the Forum

Categories

  • All Categories
  • 351.3K Banking & Borrowing
  • 253.2K Reduce Debt & Boost Income
  • 453.8K Spending & Discounts
  • 244.3K Work, Benefits & Business
  • 599.5K Mortgages, Homes & Bills
  • 177.1K Life & Family
  • 257.8K Travel & Transport
  • 1.5M Hobbies & Leisure
  • 16.2K Discuss & Feedback
  • 37.6K Read-Only Boards

Is this how you want to be seen?

We see you are using a default avatar. It takes only a few seconds to pick a picture.