MODS - please delete thread

RichGold

Seanymph wrote: »

The OP is clearly 'fighting' for her family on here, which she feels validates herself - 'standing up' somehow against the detractors makes her feel unified with the husband and child she has.

She isn't listening.

I think this is terribly sad.

The husband takes the easy way as as life coping mechanism and is parented by his partner and none of the adults in the situation have the werewithal to protect the children. The fact that the child in this marriage was appraised of all developments with it's fathers affairs to the point that she had a 'breakdown' or meltdown' just goes to prove that the OP didn't do her job of protecting her child but used her to emotionally pressure the errant husband. I think the thought of a child being brought to that state by parents who don't shelter them from the marital fall out absolutely horrifies me.

The OP is protecting no one but the husband by deluding herself and she's not listening girls. Nothing you say will make any difference.

Exactly this. Excellent post.

splishsplash

Please stop and listen to the posters here - the reason you're so defensive about all of this is because you're trying so desperately to deny it happened. You cannot accept that your husband went to this woman of his own free will. You're in such denial about this that you're willing to believe you can 'address' the reason he did it.

He did it because he wanted to. Honestly, no other reason. He did this because he wanted to. Why? Doesn't matter. He could have chosen other ways to deal with problems within your marriage, but he didn't. He CHOSE to have an affair because that's what he WANTED to do. If a man was faithful and loyal to his wife and child, there is no way in the world he would go to another woman, no matter what ruse she employed - you KNOW this!

Until you deal with what this means for you, you will continue to struggle with the whole situation.

mangomangotree

thistledome wrote: »

In an ideal world every child would have a loving Mother and a Father, but it's not an ideal world and plenty of us have been brought up just by our Mum's and it's not the tragedy that some on here are making it out to be. I'm glad my dad wasn't forced to play happy families with us, he was an absolute sh@t.

Also, I guarantee that if the OW had come on here and started a thread whinging about being left to hold the baby of a married man who's gone back to his family she'd get the following replies:

a) "You don't need a man like that in your life, you're well rid...etc" (from the Millie Tants)

and

b) "What did you expect? Sleeping with a married man you should have known what would happen..." etc etc (from the Judge Mentals)

I suspect that not many* posters would be saying, "if his Wife had any decency she'd be making him spend time with your baby"! or "OMG, his Wife is putting her own child before yours? That's terrible!"


*i.e., none.

We don't want to think about the child who is going to grow up knowing her father doesn't give a rats about her. The only victim here is the baby, she did not ask her loser parents to make her. Every adult needs to get over themselves in this situation and think about the one person who will be hurt for the rest of her life.

DanE2010

euronorris wrote: »

I know I don't know that. That's why I said that in my post. It's just a possibility.

I do think it is one you should consider as a possibility, simply because your husband has been deceitful in the past.

I didn't bring it up. I responded to your post about it. I am not validating the OW at all, and there is absolutely nothing in my posts which do that.

If you wish to stay with him, then that is your choice, and I wish you luck. Truly.

But I do take issue with the no contact with the other child situation, because the child is innocent. And, from what you have told us, that child has an aggressive, violent mother, and a father who has abandoned her. That child has no one to stick up for them, and look out for their best interests.

I understand that he's having trouble coping with the situation he created, but by abandoning this child, he's condemning it to a life of misery (if everything you and he say about the OW is true). Does that not bother you? I know it's not your child, or your responsibility, but surely an innocent child deserves far better than that?

It's something I feel very, very strongly about. He created that child with her, and regardless of the circumstances of the birth, that child deserves better than to be abanonded and left with an aggressive, violent woman.

Exactly this, and I think thats what most people are trying to say, the adults are so wrapped up in themselves the children have been forgotton. I suspect I will probably get a mouthful for saying that but she isnt listening to what anyone is saying anyway, its not men bashing, its not husband bashing, its human beings concerned about 2 children caught up in a mess their parents caused, and you can come back and say you didnt cause the mess, you didnt, but your in this mess and could help make things easier for the children, but all 3 of you are so wrapped up in yourselves you havent stopped to think how this sheer bitterness and anger will be picked up on by the children.

Grow up and think of the kids, cant be assed putting it in fluffy words cause ive read enough excuses now and nothing you can write will make me think otherwise, the fact your child had a 'meltdown' tells me the situation has been dealt with appallingly in regards to the children.

Good luck with it and I hope for the childrens sake this all gets sorted out but were all just wasting our time giving advice because she doesnt want to hear it unless it is something she wants to hear.

And no ive never said you should leave your husband either.

MoreOn

mangomangotree wrote: »

We don't want to think about the child who is going to grow up knowing her father doesn't give a rats about her. The only victim here is the baby, she did not ask her loser parents to make her. Every adult needs to get over themselves in this situation and think about the one person who will be hurt for the rest of her life.

Did OP seek discussion on that, nope... loads decided to poke their nose in where it wasn't sort and then when asked to restrict comment they had the cheek to ignore OP and lecturer OP on morality nothing like irony

Person_one

MoreOn wrote: »

Did OP seek discussion on that, nope... loads decided to poke their nose in where it wasn't sort and then when asked to restrict comment they had the cheek to ignore OP and lecturer OP on morality nothing like irony

I can't help but feel that you misunderstand the nature of a message board. When you post a question or a situation you aren't allowed to dictate how people respond or to demand that they go away if they tell you things you don't want to hear.

Unless posts are offensive or break the forum rules, people are free to respond any way they see fit.

euronorris

MoreOn wrote: »

Did OP seek discussion on that, nope... loads decided to poke their nose in where it wasn't sort and then when asked to restrict comment they had the cheek to ignore OP and lecturer OP on morality nothing like irony

Oh yes, you're right. Everyone should just forget about this poor child. I mean, that child has so many people looking out for it already....oh wait, it doesn't!

I don't care what the OP wanted. I care about the needs of that child, which are JUST AS IMPORTANT AS THE OP'S FAMILY, and are being completely neglected by the two people who are supposed to love and care for it. Worse, another person is aware of this, and the fact that it's mother is violent and aggressive, and she's chosen to ignore it!

If the OW was so bad that she caused a grown adult to require anti-depressants to stop him from committing suicide, imagine what effect she will have on a CHILD! AN INNOCENT CHILD!

I can't make it any clearer.

If she's that bad, at the very least, call social services and raise your concerns with them so at least someone will care about meeting the needs of the child.

MoreOn

Person_one wrote: »

I can't help but feel that you misunderstand the nature of a message board. When you post a question or a situation you aren't allowed to dictate how people respond or to demand that they go away if they tell you things you don't want to hear.

Unless posts are offensive or break the forum rules, people are free to respond any way they see fit.

"gang" mentality and pressuring OP, regardless of forum rules isn't permited, but of course there is no gang mentality and there was/is no pressuring on the message boards was/is there!!

Dontknowanymore

alias*alibi wrote: »

More-on and Kay Peel; thanks so much.

I can't win! I know the OW was violent. Trust me, I do! Ive seen the medication my husband is on and it's strong gear because at one point he felt like taking his own life due to the mess and the situation he found himself living in. No, he hasn't just left the OW because of the violence; that just cemented that he needed to get the hell away from her before he did something stupid and our daughters meltdown is what enforced that we needed to be a family unit again FOR EVERONES SANITY. The OW husband confirmed to me she is a 'nut job' and he was better with her out of his life There are things I know which I'm not prepared to put on here because I didn't initially come in here to lay everything bare.

Bring it on; I'm ready :-)

I find it a bit disturbing that you are using your child's meltdown as a reason for taking this scumbag back!
You think you 2 being together, you drivng yourself mental over it all and all the problems that arise are going to help your daughter?
At least if you and your 'husband' (I use the term very loosely!) are seperated, your daughter would be sheilded from a large part of this drama!

I feel so sorry for these poor children

Person_one

MoreOn wrote: »

"gang" mentality and pressuring OP, regardless of forum rules isn't permited, but of course there is no gang mentality and there was/is no pressuring on the message boards was/is there!!

Sometimes people all agree because they all agree, not because they are a 'gang'! I don't know anybody on this forum beyond their posts, I'm certainly not in cahoots with anybody, there's no secret conspiracy to break up as many marriages as we can.

Nobody has actually been nasty to the OP at all as far as I can see, what they are doing is presenting her with some hard to face home truths.

The OP doesn't want to face those home truths right now, she's too angry and too hurt. I understand that, I do, she's had her life completely blown apart and now she's trying to put it back together but is finding that the pieces don't fit anymore. She wants things to be how they used to be but that's impossible, she doesn't have a time machine and she can't 'un-know' what she now knows about what kind of man her husband is. She's trying to paper over the cracks while the foundations are crumbling.

What posters here are doing is giving her a bit of a reality check, she clearly isn't ready for it now but maybe it will plant a seed or give her something to think about or discuss with her counsellor. There's no ganging up, nobody has any vested interest in what happens, we all just see a very very sad situation involving two wronged children, one wronged adult and one adult who's behaved despicably towards them under any definition.