MODS - please delete thread

teapackets

Hello, my heart goes out to you. I can understand why you have taken him back, I've done that myself many years ago.
We struggled horribly for 10 years or more and then we attended a marriage course that taught us to properly communicate with each other. I can honestly say it was the pivotal point in our relationship.

Anyway, here is the link for The Marriage Course - http://relationshipcentral.org/marriage-course/about-course. It is a church course, but please don't be put off, many of the couples are non church goers and it is usually held in someones home. There will be one running in your area hopefully.

You need be able to talk about the issue honestly in an non-threatening environment with people that can support you if you need it.

I hope you can both work it out, together.

splishsplash

Copied from the OP:
Anyway, whilst I am mostly able to deal with the situation,things like the CSA phoning my husband and CSA letters dropping through the door are constant reminders of the affair and makes me boil up inside.

OP, what you mean is you are mostly able to ignore the situation.

This is why you can't move forward, because you are not yet dealing with anything that's happened at all.

Why has this not all been discussed over the past number of months at counselling? What have you been talking about? You've been attending since you were told the OW was pregnant - what has it achieved, and what's blocking you from achieving more at these sessions? I'm not looking for answers, by the way, I'm just throwing these things out there for you to consider.

Counselling is only as good as the counsellor. If your counsellor is allowing you to talk yourself into believing that the OW is the 'baddie' in all of this and deserves most of the blame, then I would really advise you to look for another counsellor. I would've thought you'd have closer to coming to terms with your situation by now. It sounds like you're still stuck fast at anger and denial. This is why the CSA letters make you boil over - your anger is simmering all the time just under the surface and ready to erupt at the drop of a hat. You must be very tired by now, four months later and still running on adrenalin.

You know your marriage as it was is gone. It's over, finished, consigned to history. You do know this, right?

You have chosen, for reasons of your own, to try to start a new relationship with the man who betrayed you and landed you in this nightmare. I hope your reasons are valid ones and that you're not doing this out of pride, shame, guilt, fear or vindictiveness. You might see this as a new start, but you need to recognise the type of person your husband is and hold him accountable for his part in all of this. If you can accept him and the marriage on these terms, then really be ok with it, and let go of the anger and denial.

If you cannot reconcile yourself to living like this with him, then you need to rethink your position.

alias*alibi

newcook wrote: »

So does this mean that you also think your husband deserves everything he gets too?!

Obviously not if I'm still with him...

I really am dipping out of this thread now. I've said numerous times why I've taken him back; he isn't in the right state mentally to deal with the OW or the baby he 'abandoned' (didn't want) and if most of you think that makes him a selfish tw&t then that's fine.

I'm not going to keep repeating myself and justifying my actions. I think 19 pages of the same old same old being discussed is more than enough now.

alias*alibi

mangomangotree wrote: »

We don't want to think about the child who is going to grow up knowing her father doesn't give a rats about her. The only victim here is the baby, she did not ask her loser parents to make her. Every adult needs to get over themselves in this situation and think about the one person who will be hurt for the rest of her life.

You are correct. He does not give a rats !!!!! about a baby he never wanted or has met. Is that what you wanted to hear? There, I've said it.

alias*alibi

euronorris wrote: »

Oh yes, you're right. Everyone should just forget about this poor child. I mean, that child has so many people looking out for it already....oh wait, it doesn't!

I don't care what the OP wanted. I care about the needs of that child, which are JUST AS IMPORTANT AS THE OP'S FAMILY, and are being completely neglected by the two people who are supposed to love and care for it. Worse, another person is aware of this, and the fact that it's mother is violent and aggressive, and she's chosen to ignore it!

If the OW was so bad that she caused a grown adult to require anti-depressants to stop him from committing suicide, imagine what effect she will have on a CHILD! AN INNOCENT CHILD!

I can't make it any clearer.


If she's that bad, at the very least, call social services and raise your concerns with them so at least someone will care about meeting the needs of the child.

OMG; WHAT THE HELL DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO??????? Its not my damn responsibility!!!!

Yes her mother is a psycho; still as I actually work for social services I am sure if she can't cope with the child I'll soon know about it.

Jesus Christ; some people.

Person_one

alias*alibi wrote: »

You are correct. He does not give a rats !!!!! about a baby he never wanted or has met. Is that what you wanted to hear? There, I've said it.

What if he'd said the same about your child to the OW when they were together?

alias*alibi

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

But they aren't important to the OP and neither should they be; they are none of her business.

(If she rang Social Services, do you really think that they'd take much notice of what she said, given the general situation?)

Thank again Olderbutwiser.

As I've said before i work for social services; so if anything untoward happened to the baby I'm sure I'd fine out first through official channels. Secondly as I work in childrens services which the OW knows and I made a song and dance about her mental health and psychoness do people not think she would be straight on the phone trying to cause !!!!!! for my job saying I was stirring then I would face investigations? I'm not prepared to lose my bloody job for that nutcase.

alias*alibi

Person_one wrote: »

What if he'd said the same about your child to the OW when they were together?

He didn't. Why would the OW have such jealousy towards the amount of time he spent with our child if he didn't want anything to do with her?

Good try.

clearingout

OP - I know why you've taken him back. I'd have done the same in the first few months after my ex left me. My ex walked out on me 4 days after having sex with me without contraception. He'd been having an affair for at least a couple of years and left to be with the other woman. Only he didn't bother to tell me that! She had been working for him for a couple of months - he'd even paid her from one of our joint personal accounts (yes really!) and she was running around in a very expensive company car that our business was paying for. 3 weeks later I realised I was pregnant with our third child (he is now 2 and a bit to give an idea of timescales). A couple of weeks after that my dad was diagnosed as terminally ill and was dead within 6 weeks of that. My ex and the girlfriend lived the life of riley for about a year - lots of holidays, weekends away, spa days, theatre breaks, hot tub installed in our buy to let property where the ex was now living. He refused to pay any maintenance towards the children and left me with a couple of days a week work which didn't cover the mortgage, let alone bills and joint debts he was ignoring. I was getting constant threats of repossession, including a letter the day before I gave birth. The girlfriend didn't cope well with my pregnancy and was awful, truly awful. I was called every name in front of the sun, the children were regularly hit and we had one occasion where one had a toy removed from him because it came from my home and was told she would cut it's legs off and put it in the bin (this was a toy he was carrying everywhere). I even found them trying to enter my car when I had taken the baby for his first set of injections and I was subjected on that occasion, to the most humilliating experience as the pair of them stood there and actually laughed at me. You couldn't make it up.

You would tell me that I'd be mad to take such a man back, right? I know that and I knew it when he eventually seemed to see the light and sobbed his way through a desperate phone call to me one day asking if there was 'any going back for us?'. I believed him. I fell for it hook, line and bloody sinker. I was holding a 5 month old baby and I desperately wanted his dad to love him and have him as part of a family. I desperately didn't want him to grow up ever knowing what his dad put me through whilst pregnant (there's way more to it than I've put here, believe me). Fortunately, at some level my head was screwed on and I fought the urge to just say 'sure, move back in and we'll forget everything'. Needless to say, within a matter of weeks, he was back with the girlfriend and I was the subject of their next hate campaign, him having failed to turn up to a Relate appointment he made for us!

What I went through there is a common pattern of marriage breakdowns. It happens a lot. People are yelling at their computer screens all over the country at you because they're been there and they've done that. What your ex did to you AND the other woman is on a par with what my ex did to me. And I KNOW you know that you'd have yelled at your computer screen and told me to tell him to do unspeakable things to himself the day he made that phone call had I asked for advice on here.

I know why you're with him - you love him, you want your daughter to grow up in a 'normal' family, you don't want to let her down, you don't want the humilliation of having to tell people what has happened (because it is humilliating, even when it's clearly not your fault), you feel guilty, you feel ashamed, you feel tired, you feel you can't go on with him and you can't go on without him. You want your life back.

I can't tell you whether or not you should leave him. Had my ex turned up at that Relate appointment, things might be different for me. But I also know, deep down, that even if we had got back together, I'd have never got my life back. I will never be the trusting person I once was and I will struggle in any future relationship not to spend my life checking his phone and generally being a parnoid banshee woman! It's going to take a lot of patience to have me as a partner in the future. I would never, ever have trusted my ex again and I now know that without that trust, there would be no relationship. I might have kidded myself for a while that I did trust him or that I could learn to again, but the reality for me is that it was over only I didn't want to admit it. I wanted to be different, I wanted to be part of the couple that overcame the odds and 'made it'. I just wanted the fairy tell 'happy ever after' that our childhoods promised us and I'd have done anything to achieve that.

I accept my marriage had to end and it was the right decision for me, although not the one I wanted. You have some hard choices to make and one of those is to choose not to be a victim of circumstance and stand up for your future. You don't have to put up with his excuses and you have a right to feel angry and let down. But it's not the other woman's fault and you really, really have to put that aside if your marriage is going to survive. She's not a nice person, I agree. But she's not the person you think she is, I can guarentee that. In your mind she is the person your husband wants her to be, please believe that. And please believe that the child deserves better and as a decent mother, I don't think you're going to enjoy, long term, being part of some kind of warped marriage conspiracy that shuts the child out.

Like a lot of people here, I believe your marriage is over and that you will struggle to get anywhere with this that doesn't lead you to a place where you open yourself up for yet more hurt. I think many of us believe that you should, quite literally, cut your losses. Only it's not our life and you have to live with your choices so do try and take on board our experiences and opinions but use them to make an informed choice that works for you. And try not to be angry - it'll get you nowhere. Please take care of yourself and keep posting as people genuinely care about the outcome of this for you.

alias*alibi

DeeDee74 wrote: »

:eek::eek::eek: what father would leave a newborn with her?? u paint her to be so horrible, weather thats true or not who knows,
but that paints a very bad picture of you and your husband who leave this child with her.

Really??? Well that's your opinion isn't it? Did you miss the post where I said i worked for social services? Probably not; too busy just reading the bits you wanted to read and comment, sorry bash me over the head, about.