DD wore my perfume!

puddy

i dont to be honest, what i think she over reacted with was the type of sanction (ie not going to the birthday party) but i took into consideration that she was clutching at 'what do i do, to get this message through'

the punishment must fit the crime. the clue is in the fact (imo) that she has too much stuff, so taking something precious away from her wont teach her about valuing others things because she has plenty of things

as she gets older and wants more and more expensive things (as kids do) problems like this might increase if OP doesnt find a solution and i think she is right to be thinking about what will work. i think she was right to ask advice and i cant understand people attacking her like they did

sitting down with her OH and finding a balanced way through this would be a start, thinking about asking friends and family to give vouchers or things to prevent too much stuff building up, the daughter can then spend the vouchers on special things

or something like that, it has to fit with what is right for her family anyway

Threebabes

Haven't read all the replies.

I have 2 DD's nearly 8 and 11 1/2 (Also a son nearly 16). I can not abide lying. The issue for me would not be the perfume but the fact she had lied about it. Ive told my 3 that they may get wrong for something but if they've lied I am furious. I would let her go to the party on this occasion. Warn her in future that if she lies any more that she will punished. Early to bed, loose a treat, loose pocket money etc.

choccybikkie_2

Kids do tend to have lots of 'things' these days. Every action needs appropriate concequences without a doubt! I think peoples reactions were because OP seemed to be SO cross that her DD was lucky to have been allowed to use her room/mirror/hairdryer and had used her perfume.
If OP could smell the perfume she could have simply told DD "You have used my perfume!, I asked you to blow dry your hair.You are not to go through and use my things as you wish DO NOT DO IT AGAIN" That's all. Why the need to try and catch her out by asking her,it sounds like when she heard her mothers reaction having used her perfume that lying (however bad that is) was a better risk had it been believed than the reaction she got for touching her mothers things. That I feel is sad! And then all the ranting about how the op was treated as a child? Just not necessary imo! My children would not go through our things in our room, but would ask if there was something they wanted to use. Not out of fear but because they ask before they borrow.But in the same breath our house is as much our childrens HOME and i want them to feel comfortable here. Personally though a spray of perfume that is sat on a dressing table where a 9 yr old has been sent to dry her own hair is not what i would interpret as unreasonable. Just tell her not to do it again if you wish.

Kaz2904

puddy wrote: »

i dont to be honest, what i think she over reacted with was the type of sanction (ie not going to the birthday party) but i took into consideration that she was clutching at 'what do i do, to get this message through'

the punishment must fit the crime. the clue is in the fact (imo) that she has too much stuff, so taking something precious away from her wont teach her about valuing others things because she has plenty of things

as she gets older and wants more and more expensive things (as kids do) problems like this might increase if OP doesnt find a solution and i think she is right to be thinking about what will work. i think she was right to ask advice and i cant understand people attacking her like they did

sitting down with her OH and finding a balanced way through this would be a start, thinking about asking friends and family to give vouchers or things to prevent too much stuff building up, the daughter can then spend the vouchers on special things

or something like that, it has to fit with what is right for her family anyway

I was after hints and tips to think what I should do to get the message through. It's half term next week so none of her clubs are on anyway. Hence the question of stopping her going to the party. It's something she really wants to go to. She doesn't play with her DS really, she's not interested in the wii. She's not got a tv in her room. She does have a stereo which she like to listen to.
She does have way too much stuff. Therefore, she doesn't seem to "get" that when you don't have much, what you do have you want to eke out and keep special.
DH thinks that I should just drop it (I spoke to him when he came home at lunch time). Thing is, his brother was 10 years older than him so he wouldn't have been nicking his stuff as a child and (as his Dad died when he was 8) there was no man around for him to pinch mans things from. I don't think his Mum's perfume had the same appeal to him ! His Mum made a comment the other day about something she should have stopped him doing and then said she didn't because she had to pick her battles being the only parent.
Have asked people if they would mind giving vouchers or similar or even just buying less but they don't want to. They want to give the gifts and see her reaction. What they don't see is the stress caused when she is trying to cram hundreds of pounds worth of gifts into an already over stuffed bedroom in January. They wouldn't be prepared to give money towards something bigger that she wanted either (bike, stereo, DS, ipod, you name it). DD saved up and bought her own DS and ipod and I lent her and DS the money to buy their own JD bugs because I said £60 was way too much to spend on a scooter.
I often give my niece and nephews money for birthday and/ or Christmas because we don't live in mansions and they have everything they want already.
The reason she has got a camera for Christmas is because she has been wanting one for 2 years now. She asks for a camera every time we ask what she is after for birthday/ Christmas and we're off to Florida next year so she'll definately use it when we go.

A pp asked if I didn't teach her the value of special things (or words to that effect) when she was younger. Oh boy did I try! If I had a penny for the amount of times I said about how Mummy's jewellery was special and expensive and I didn't mind her looking but she mustn't try to wear it as so and so got broken and I was sad. The last thing that got broken was my locket. She tried to pull it on over her head and snapped the catch. The first thing she broke was my silver belt buckle when she was 2. We explained that she mustn't touch again and that I would have to pay to get it repaired. Explained it was a gift to Mummy for a special thing (a gift from my Aunty when I qualified) and that I was sad that it was broken.
Her issue is that she just doesn't think. She has no forward planning. She doesn't think about consequences of her actions and just bumbles on with her original plan of action.
Occasionally we are able to catch her in the midst of one of these paths of destruction and we try to lead her down the path of "and what would happen next? And then?" Until she reaches the natural conclusion in her head. She doesn't seem to have an internal monologue IYSWIM whereas DS does.
She's not malicious but still. Never saw that stand up in court and don't want her to get to that stage. Hence teh trying to get it sorted out whilst it is still her pinching a few squirts of perfume and lying about it.

Kaz2904

Oh and I was ranting about how I was treated as a child? I had a very happy childhood thanks

BitterAndTwisted

You can't expect young kids to "know the value of things". They don't earn any money and don't buy their own stuff, so how could you expect them to?

I think your real issue is something else other than respect for other people's possessions.

Mojisola

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

You can't expect young kids to "know the value of things". They don't earn any money and don't buy their own stuff, so how could you expect them to?

Maybe this would be true of a toddler - but a 9 year old should be able to understand the value of things and that she should respect her own and other people's possessions.

puddy

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

You can't expect young kids to "know the value of things". They don't earn any money and don't buy their own stuff, so how could you expect them to?

I think your real issue is something else other than respect for other people's possessions.

i dont think people are (im not) referring the value of thing in terms of monetary value, its about the value they have to the other person

Blue_Monkey

Kaz, I agree with those saying that the issue is about lying and setting boundaries, rather than the blinking perfume itself... We had similar boundaries in our house and we'd generally ask to get something from someone else's room rather than just going in there. Not in a nazi way, just that why would we need to be in someone else's room unless there was a specific reason - so I get the whole "your space/things" thing for sure.

However....... Over time, I realised that it was very much a one-way street with my mum. We had to respect her stuff, but our stuff didn't get a look in. She would often stomp into my room in a bad mood and things would get broken/ruined by her just walking all over it. Chances are she was cross with me for having a messy room, but it used to really upset and anger me that she thought she could just shove my stuff anywhere/anyhow. And nevermind the fact that she was messy herself or didn't used to respect her own things. So, I always had a little bit of resentment for her when we were told to respect her things. It was always a very "do as I say, not as I do" household and even now it gets on my nads.

You sound a lot calmer in general than my mum, and I don't mean to offend you, but is there any chance some way that your daughter feels you're not respecting her? Not just with objects and stuff, but in other ways too? And do you respect your own things?

I don't know how to tackle the lying thing I'm afraid. I'm ashamed to say that I used to lie to my mum quite a bit as a kid/teenager, simply because I wanted to do what I wanted to do and knew what her reaction would be. Now that I'm about to become a mother myself, I'm curious to know how I can handle this with my own children. I guess it's about striking the right balance.

Good luck, I hope normal service resumes asap in your household.

Kaz2904

Blue Monkey, DD's the same as all other 10 going on 15 year olds, she thinks we're the meanest parents in the world because we don't let her decide what she does/ doesn't do all the time . With regards to her bedroom and her space, I don't tidy it myself any more. I put her washing on her bed if I can get to it. This was the least stressful way for us because she is a messy devil with tons of stuff. She puts her stuff away (crammed in drawers :eek:) and if we happen to go in there and it's a fire hazard or dirty/ smelly, she has to clean it up enough for me to go in and hoover it or change the bedding. Her room isn't how I would want mine to be but it is her room. She is allowed help to clean it up but if she doesn't do it regularly when we remind her it needs doing, she has to do it herself. I said that I would keep out of her room if she wanted her own space but she had to respect that whilst it was her room, the furniture and everything in it was provided by us and she has to realise that it's not cheap and easily replaceable so she has to look after it.

Picked her up from school and let her tell me about her day. When she had finished, I asked if she had had a chance to think about the perfume. She told me some weird and wonderful story about I don't know what, the perfume going off accidentally when she picked up the hair dryer! I said I knew she was lying. I asked her if she knew how much the perfume cost. Asked if she was aware that there is only about 6 tsps in a bottle. Asked her how much perfume I have and how much she has. Asked if she has more or I do. I reminded her that I don't want her touching my make-up, perfume or jewellery and asked her why she thought that might be. She said because she had broken all my jewellery. I explained that if I let her loose on all of my stuff, things will get used up really fast or possibly broken. By this time, we had got to DS's school. I parked and then sat and said that she now knew the boundaries again and was not to step over them. I also knew she was lying so I asked her again what happened to the perfume and she admitted it. I pointed out Jojo's observation about the explosive possibilities (she looked a bit shocked by that). I then calmly told her that as she had admitted it, she would be able to go to the party. I have told her again that I will not be lied to and that it will only make things worse for herself if she does. She then cried as I said to let that be an end of it and I gave her a cuddle.

She has to go to school tomorrow as a hero and she asked if she could go as me when she got home I said she might as well as she'd been to school as me today and that she could borrow my uniform "but you're not having any of my perfume!"- she laughed! Phew. All sorted now.