DD wore my perfume!

Lotus-eater

I would be inclined to say to keep anything locked away that you don't want your kids to find, whether that be sex toys or dangerous liquids (for example).

But something like perfume, you should be able to leave it around, safe in the knowledge that it won't be touched. It should be a matter of trust.

I'm a little split on whether to allow our kids free access to our room or not, the problem hasn't arisen yet. My parents didn't let me go in theirs, but that never stopped me. We have a locked cupboard in there anyway, for any stuff we don't want them to see.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

One thought...having said that I personally wouldn't find it a problem in the same way as you, OP (don't think that was attacking you, was it? )

Hairdryer....unsupervised child...alcohol based perfume....sprayed around....vapour....heat...head....face...BOOOM.



Maybe this is something important that we have all missed - if she sprays any scent and then switches on the hairdryer, or sprays whilst drying her hair - :eek: :eek: :eek:


Could be worth pointing out to her that the two together are incredibly dangerous, and must never be used at the same sitting?

3v3

Kaz2904 wrote: »

....
Like I keep saying, it's not about the perfume, It's about the lying.

Yes, that is an issue. But, children of that age do not always see it as "lying" as such ... more .... a "damage limitation" issue It would not necessarily have occurred to her that you would *smell* it on her (because she is young and she has now learned from the experience). I think she was trying to protect herself from further punishments (along the lines of "Crikey, if this is what happens when I tell her I *didn't* do it, how bad will it get when I tell her I *did*!!!??"); although maybe not exactly in those words

As I said before, make your room out of bounds (she'll make her's out of bounds to *you* when she's a teen ). That deals with keeping your personal stuff, personal.

Lying is something else; she needs to know she can come to you no matter how bad/terrible/naughty her situation: if she feels she will be judged/punished/grounded/not listened to over something as comparatively minor as this, it may only foster a lying culture for her. My children all know that, while I may not always like/condone what they do ... it will be worse if I catch them lying about it!!

Behaviours can often be reasoned over and explained; it's harder to reason with a liar predominantly because you lose that very precious line of trust. You need to instill mutual trust: for you, that she won't lie to you, and for her, that she can trust you with anything and you will deal with it calmly, reasonably and appropriately.

If the lying is the worst part - that should have formed the foundation of your rhetoric and punishment. Discipline doesn't always have to be swift and immediate. Time out while you think about it and a well thought out punishment-to-fit-the-crime consequence bears far more weight than knee-jerk, spontaneous clusters of sanctions.

Best of luck

puddy

Kaz2904 wrote: »

Thanks raven83. She has her own perfume sprays. She also has her own make-up. She has her own jewellery too and more of it than I do. I don't wear costume jewellery so my jewellery is all gold or silver and therefore expensive. The only things I actually have now which haven't been broken are my Pandora bracelet with 3 beads, my wedding and eternity ring (I don't take these off) and a pretty necklace I got for my 30th from a friend. I'm not allowed to wear jewellery to work (apart from my wedding band) hence the fact that things would be taken off and put in the case on my bedside table. That's all broken and why I brought in the rule of not touching my stuff unless I'm there.
It was like a treasure trove to me too looking at my Aunties stuff but other than her lippy which I broke, I didn't go through her things because I understood she was upset when it got broken.

Like I keep saying, it's not about the perfume, It's about the lying.

how come she has so much stuff at the age of 9?

i wonder if all this is that she has too much stuff that belongings mean nothing to her, this is teen stuff and shes not even a pre teen

trying things on and messing about with mum occasionally is very different to her having these things as 'hers' all the time

Mojisola

sassyblue wrote: »

You need to hide your perfume and keep hiding it in different places because if she finds it she won't tell you (you'd probably smell it though :rotfl:).

I really disagree with this - her daughter needs to learn to respect other people's possessions. Parents shouldn't have to hide their personal possessions to protect them from their children!

choccybikkie_2

[QUOTE=Kaz

Like I keep saying, it's not about the perfume, It's about the lying.[/QUOTE]




Fair enough being cross about your daughter lying. But if that had been your biggest issue last night surely you would have titled this thread "My dd lied to me!" Not " My dd wore my perfume" ?

Maybe people wouldn't have been so quick to react. As someone has said above...At age 9 I would defy anyone to say they/their children haven't lied,yes,they need to be told lying is wrong and unacceptable but as you have done this then sent her to bed that is enough. Give her the opportunity to apologize for the lie and move on. She probably lied even though it was obvious she had sprayed it as she knew your reaction would be ott. She was more worried that she had touched your things than she was about the repercussions of telling a lie!

puddy

i think OP possibly felt badgered into focusing on the lying

personally i think the problem is about using stuff when she hasnt asked and THEN lying about it

afterall, if the child now says, 'ok mum, im sorry i lied, i did use the stuff', it still wont change the original problem that she uses and takes things when she has been told to ask perrmission first

i dont know why this is being underplayed by everyone

i would be annoyed at the lying too, but the way i would deal with it is just a simple statement that 'i know you are lying and you know that i know you are lying and it doesnt look good, theres an end to it'

jjww_2

My son is 13 and I have never had any of these sorts of problems, he respects mine and his dads belongings just as we respect his, he does use his dads aftershave, hairgels etc even though he has loads of his own but that is mutual as his dad uses his as well and both ask each other.

He still asks if he can have something out of the fridge even though he has been told a million times to help himself, however that is because both me and my husband do it when we are at our parents houses.

Do you ask your daughter every time you use something of hers? If she is taught that every possession is of value no matter what the cost then she will value stuff more. It sounds like she had a few sprays of perfume not realising she would come downstairs and everyone would be able to smell it and then you have pounced on the fact she has been using your very expensive perfume and her knee jerk reaction was to deny it, and now she knows admitting it now will only get her into more trouble.

Calmly explain to her that you are not angry just disappointed that she felt the need to lie.

If you are on the attack then she is going to raise her guards and be defensive.

I do find it strange that you have to hide jewellery etc. did you not teach her respect for items when she was younger as ( as in yes you can touch it try it on etc but have to be very careful and ask for help so it does not get broken). Does she respect her own belongings?

Kaz2904

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

One thought...having said that I personally wouldn't find it a problem in the same way as you, OP (don't think that was attacking you, was it? )

Hairdryer....unsupervised child...alcohol based perfume....sprayed around....vapour....heat...head....face...BOOOM.



Maybe this is something important that we have all missed - if she sprays any scent and then switches on the hairdryer, or sprays whilst drying her hair - :eek: :eek: :eek:


Could be worth pointing out to her that the two together are incredibly dangerous, and must never be used at the same sitting?

Didn't feel attacked by your comment . :eek::eek::eek: at blowing herself up. Next time I won't say "Go and dry your hair with the hair dryer." I will say "Go and bring the hair dryer downstairs so I can dry your hair". Probably be met with angst cause I don't do it right and I bet she'll still bring mine rather than hers !

3v3 wrote: »

Yes, that is an issue. But, children of that age do not always see it as "lying" as such ... more .... a "damage limitation" issue It would not necessarily have occurred to her that you would *smell* it on her (because she is young and she has now learned from the experience). I think she was trying to protect herself from further punishments (along the lines of "Crikey, if this is what happens when I tell her I *didn't* do it, how bad will it get when I tell her I *did*!!!??"); although maybe not exactly in those words

As I said before, make your room out of bounds (she'll make her's out of bounds to *you* when she's a teen ). That deals with keeping your personal stuff, personal.

Lying is something else; she needs to know she can come to you no matter how bad/terrible/naughty her situation: if she feels she will be judged/punished/grounded/not listened to over something as comparatively minor as this, it may only foster a lying culture for her. My children all know that, while I may not always like/condone what they do ... it will be worse if I catch them lying about it!!

Behaviours can often be reasoned over and explained; it's harder to reason with a liar predominantly because you lose that very precious line of trust. You need to instill mutual trust: for you, that she won't lie to you, and for her, that she can trust you with anything and you will deal with it calmly, reasonably and appropriately.

If the lying is the worst part - that should have formed the foundation of your rhetoric and punishment. Discipline doesn't always have to be swift and immediate. Time out while you think about it and a well thought out punishment-to-fit-the-crime consequence bears far more weight than knee-jerk, spontaneous clusters of sanctions.

Best of luck

I have always brought the children up NOT to tell lies and have always told them that anything they do wrong will be far less of a problem if they own up to it. I've told them that we will always find out if they are lying about things. That's what I am trying to do, I'm trying to fit the punishment to the crime of lying. Had she owned up, she knows that her punishment would have been a simple "I have asked you repeatedly, now I am TELLING you, do not touch my stuff when I am not there or without my permission".

puddy wrote: »

how come she has so much stuff at the age of 9?

i wonder if all this is that she has too much stuff that belongings mean nothing to her, this is teen stuff and shes not even a pre teen

trying things on and messing about with mum occasionally is very different to her having these things as 'hers' all the time

She's amassed it over the years. Birthday and Christmas presents, tat won or bought at fairs. Some things she's bought out of her pocket money. The make-up was old bits of mine which I wanted to chuck out but she requested it. Her and her friends all do the whole make over things when they're playing.
I often feel that she has too much stuff and that it means she doesn't respect stuff because of it. We're a reasonably sized family and she gets gifts from family and our friends at Christmas and birthday. She also gets stuff from her friends. That equals an awful lot of stuff coming in in November and December :eek:. Trying to get rid of clutter is like trying to push water up hill . Specially when MiL buys her tons of stuff. She's massive for her age but hasn't grown so much over the last year so she has lots of clothes and shoes. Hence people buying her other stuff because they ask her what she wants and she says she doesn't want clothes as she's got lots. Or if she does ask for clothes, they get her something else too as clothes are 'a bit boring' :cool:.

choccybikkie_2

puddy wrote: »

i think OP possibly felt badgered into focusing on the lying

personally i think the problem is about using stuff when she hasnt asked and THEN lying about it

afterall, if the child now says, 'ok mum, im sorry i lied, i did use the stuff', it still wont change the original problem that she uses and takes things when she has been told to ask perrmission first

i dont know why this is being underplayed by everyone

i would be annoyed at the lying too, but the way i would deal with it is just a simple statement that 'i know you are lying and you know that i know you are lying and it doesnt look good, theres an end to it'

Exactly, I think OP's OP WAS about the perfume and DD using her things, therefore felt that although I agree with children respecting other peoples belongings etc that maybe OP was coming down a bit heavy on her dd.