lost respect for this friend-what now?

DVardysShadow

feelinghounded wrote: »

I am not allowing my office mate to fob the bloke off for me. He comes in and I say "Please go I have a lot of work to do and no time to talk to you" I turn around and start working.

What is unclear about that?

He just sits there waiting/hoping I will turn around and give him the attention he wants. All the while chuntering on about rubbish that I don't want to know about.

My office mate than interjects and says - she has just asked you to leave so why are you still here?

Good question: "What's unclear about that?"

I get that feeling I am going to be ripped to shreds for this. Everything is clear about that message apart from the essential bit you want to get across.

You have hidden yourself behind an excuse - that you are too busy - with the implication that you might have time for him if you were not busy. So he will keep coming back, in the hope that you might not be busy. This is hard for a bloke, because what you are saying is quite hard to distinguish from a female playing hard to get.

You actually need your colleague out of then way - and thenyou need to say that you are not interested in him except to the minimum extent necessary to do your job. You really need your colleague out of the way and playing no part in this, because it all dilutes your message. Almost everything happening here which you think is making this plainer is actually sending out mixed messages.

Sambucus_Nigra

feelinghounded wrote: »

Well he does - he is cheating on current GF and no I don't respect him for that either.

I totally agree with DVS - however if he is cheating on current GF and you don't respect him for that, then why mention that you work at a college?

If you think that cheating on his gf is wrong, and there is no procedure to report him on, then it's irrelevant that it's students, as you can't do anything anyway.

What I am trying to say is that you need to get straight in your mind what you are trying to say here. Either he is breaking the rules on chasing students, or he is harassing you, or he is unprofessional or he is just annoying you. You need to decide on a strategy, and do it. Either it's going to be straight to him, face to face; or you report him, or you take out a grievance. At the moment it seems a complete mish mash of information that you seem to want not to act on and your friend is bailing you out and the wrong message is getting out.

feelinghounded

Ok I see what you mean

What I was trying to say is that first and foremost he is pestering me, that is the big issue as I can't have my time wasted in this way. I have clouded the issue by mentioning the other stuff I guess because I have been thinking to myself that I don't actually like this person anyway because of the way he acts.

I have been telling him "I'm busy go away" because it is true and also because I was hoping he would just fade away. That is me being a coward.

I agree I now need to face up and actually stop saying "go away I'm busy" but go away I full stop. We don't share a compatible set of values/attitudes and I don't want to be friends. That is going to be hard but I will have to do it.

Thanks again to all for the advice.

jackieglasgow

S/N I think you are being a bit pedantic here, its quite obvious the op has lost respect for him for the several.different behaviours she has intimated. What's unclear about that.

Sambucus_Nigra

jackieglasgow wrote: »

S/N I think you are being a bit pedantic here, its quite obvious the op has lost respect for him for the several.different behaviours she has intimated. What's unclear about that.

She can have as many whinges as she likes; but there are several different avenues to go down depending on which one is the actual 'main' one. Losing respect is one thing, having to hide in the toilets is another and seeing young girls being screwed around with is another.

As a manager, if someone had come to me with the list of issues, I'd have to get to the bottom of it somehow, you can't just do something without finding out the nitty gritty.

Emmzi

I don't think there is anything wrong with hating this one specific man if he is being a prat. He has had a warning, he is only allowed near another member of staff supervised, and still he does not take the hint!

I'd do everyone in work a favour and get the job finished off. He has only himself to blame for his action, and people deserve to work in an environment free of harrassment.

Kay_Peel

It sounds to me as though you want NO CONTACT with him, even when you have a free moment or a break. You want rid. If you never saw him again you'd be happy. In that case there is really no need to spare his feelings and avoid igniting his volatile side.

DVardyS is right in saying that the approach 'not now, I'm busy' isn't forthright enough. It implies that, were in not for work, you would be happy to waste time with him. He probably thinks that he is helping to relieve your evident stress with his phonecalls and check-ups on how you're doing.

Bluntness is called for. 'Not you again. This is the end of our friendship. Don't phone, don't arrive in my office, don't speak to me when you see me around ... just go away and don't come back. Get it?'

gratefulforhelp_2

DVardysShadow wrote: »

Ignore all the advice you have been given so far to involve HR or whatever for the moment. Backtrack yourself from having your office mate fob him off.

If you read back you will see she has told him to his face to no avail.

DUTR wrote: »

Well said, too many men haters on the forum this morning, there is an issue to be resolved and an oppurtunity to ruin somebody's life.

You're being a silly sausage again.

OP If you work in a college, you should know that students are not fair game under 18, it is now a criminal offence for teachers/lecturers.

System

Gfh the OP has said they are over 18 "I don't think it is an offence to have a relationship with a student, after all they are over 18",

Elinore

Hi feelinghounded.

(Ok I posted this then realised it’s a bit grim and the outcome was not the best but it might give you some insight)

On reading your situation I started to feel the tight tenseness that takes over and a feeling of stress and a slight touch or panic and unsettled tum which used to overcome me when I had a similar situation to yours.

For the sake of convenience I will call him Gary. Gary was a friend of a friend at my workplace. He arrived at my house for a party invited by the said friend. (He worked at the same place but a totally unrelated area to me)

At first He seemed nice and friendly.. Then it started being a bit much. He would pop by all the time at work and call all the time. At the start I though he was just one of those full on guys where they have to be into everything that’s going on... like a girly best mate would and made excuses for him. (He had a Girlfriend and I had a long term partner I was madly in love with so NOTHING romantic going on) well not on my side anyway.

However it got worse, emails all the time, notes through my home door, calling my friends to find out where I was. He would explode with rage at people at the office who would be so frightened or stunned they would tell him where I was to make him go away so I couldn’t hide from him. One day I was in lecture in another town and I turned around and he was in the back of the class. There was no reason for him to be there whatsoever and suddenly I realised it was not harmless there was something wrong.

I went to see our works union lady and we were both summoned to a meeting where it was laid out that he was not to contact me or come near me anymore. He apologised profusely to both the lady and me, explained that he had not realised that he was upsetting me and would immediately desist. As far as he was concerned he was just being a good friend. He had no concept at all that the myriad of things he had done were no less than any best mate would do. He was so apologetic. He promised to leave me alone and not come near me again. He shook my hand when he left and wished me all the best.

I was so relived.

Next day I got to my office to find it filled with flowers with a note to say he had no idea what upset me but as my ‘best mate’ he had decided the union lady was wrong and he was going to be there for me and we would work out MY problem together.

Everything got ten times worse. I even got a call from my parents (who live at other end of the country) asking why I had stood ‘the nice man’ up... I was baffled until they explained that Gary had arrived unannounced at theirs saying I was supposed to meet him there. They let him in to wait for me. While making him tea and telling all about me. They also gave him my new mobile number because I had changed it to stop the calls.

After a frightening occasion where he had ‘let himself in’ to my house to help out (I called it breaking and entering, but that’s by the by) and I arrived home to find him in my kitchen cooking dinner I decided enough was enough. Because all the asking him, reasoning with him, telling him, talking to him, demanding he go, giving him the cold shoulder, avoiding him, shouting at him... just was not getting through. He would just say, aww you silly sausage, not feeling great today.... let me make you a cuppa. And carry on regardless

In the end I went to the police. The lady officer bluntly asked if we had had sex, when I said no she coolly advised that statistically then I was in minimal danger and nonsexual escalation to violence was very unlikely. That was it. (This was years ago though)

I ended up moving house and leaving my job. Not just because of him. But it was a very large contributing factor.