lost respect for this friend-what now?

gratefulforhelp_2

DVardysShadow wrote: »

I would agree about the possibility of mixed messages.

That is why FH has to tell him that she does not want any contact with him. Yes, it might create a scene. But if he is a person with little social awareness, then he needs to be told.

This step is a necessary precursor to any further action if the unwanted attention continues.

My understanding was that she has done that before, more than once, with no effect?

I do agree that the honourable thing would be to give him a chance to fix it himself. Just the one chance though.

To keep meeting him to tell him to leave her alone is just adding fuel to his behavioural fire - giving him attention.

feelinghounded

Went to see him after his class this morning and found him having a coffee over in the cafe area.

He started to chat and I cant remember the exact wording but I basically said: I don’t want to continue our friendship, I find your constant visits, calls and texts to by disruptive and annoying and I just don’t want to spend time with you so please just leave me alone from now on.

He asked for further explanations.. I said there is nothing else to say and was about to get up when he tossed the dregs of his milky coffee over me and called me an effing !!!!! and stormed off.

Anyway that was this morning; I’m home now as I’d booked a half-day – yes I know cowardly running away from it.

I’ve had two texts since, one saying –whose been dripping poison about me? And another saying can we talk and a phone call which I ignored.

So I'm dreading work tomorrow, at least all of my office mates are in so I won't be alone - there is no way I am seeing him on my own again after that.

There can be no doubt now in his mind.

Lotus-eater

feelinghounded wrote: »

I’ve had two texts since, one saying –whose been dripping poison about me? And another saying can we talk and a phone call which I ignored.

Right, now you've got to see your union rep or someone else in higher authority at work.
Well done, almost there!

DVardysShadow

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

My understanding was that she has done that before, more than once, with no effect?

I do agree that the honourable thing would be to give him a chance to fix it himself. Just the one chance though.

To keep meeting him to tell him to leave her alone is just adding fuel to his behavioural fire - giving him attention.

I don't think FH had actually been quite delivering a message which is clearly distinguishable from just playing hard to get. She has been telling him she is too busy, if you read back.

feelinghounded wrote: »

I have been telling him "I'm busy go away" because it is true and also because I was hoping he would just fade away. That is me being a coward.

feelinghounded wrote: »

Went to see him after his class this morning and found him having a coffee over in the cafe area.

He started to chat and I cant remember the exact wording but I basically said: I don’t want to continue our friendship, I find your constant visits, calls and texts to by disruptive and annoying and I just don’t want to spend time with you so please just leave me alone from now on.

He asked for further explanations.. I said there is nothing else to say and was about to get up when he tossed the dregs of his milky coffee over me and called me an effing !!!!! and stormed off.

Anyway that was this morning; I’m home now as I’d booked a half-day – yes I know cowardly running away from it.

I’ve had two texts since, one saying –whose been dripping poison about me? And another saying can we talk and a phone call which I ignored.

So I'm dreading work tomorrow, at least all of my office mates are in so I won't be alone - there is no way I am seeing him on my own again after that.

There can be no doubt now in his mind.

Well, it is a result. The message must be clear now. And as this has not happened before, I doubt that the message was ever so effectively presented previously.

feelinghounded

The sad thing is at the start of the year, when I used to say stop coming round so much I'm busy - I meant it, I wasn't just making excuses. Maybe if he had listened and eased off, things wouldn't have got to this point. But he wouldn't. I was still OK to be friends then, but he has worn me down and out.

He continued disturbing me with his little chats about his exploits and over time as he revealed more about himself (along with the behaviours I have witnessed) while stopping me from working, and over time I grew to dislike him.

DVS is right I have not until this day told him that I don't want to be friends. Now he knows, still texting me tho!

dellbell

Dont delete any messages that he sends you , Keep them as proof encase that you need to go higher about this. Did you have a witness this morning ?

feelinghounded

Yes there were about 15 people in the vicinity maybe more. One of the counter staff came over to see if I was ok and to help wipe my skirt down with water.

I will let it go if he leaves me alone, I'm hoping the texts are just heat of the moment and that he will cool off and let it go.

Caroline_a

What a horrible experience for you OP! Hopefully he will have got the message because if not you will need to put in a formal complaint about him. Luckily there should be a good process to follow in these cases, unlike some small companies where only lip service is paid to harassment.

Kay_Peel

I think you ought to inform your manager/his manager/HR about the assault in the cafe and your fears about returning to the workplace.

His reaction was irrational, irresponsible and frightening. His follow-up text messages show that he will continue to pester you and that the business is not finished yet.

Good luck!

zzzLazyDaisy

feelinghounded wrote: »

I will let it go if he leaves me alone, I'm hoping the texts are just heat of the moment and that he will cool off and let it go.

Throwing a cup of coffee over a colleague is totally unacceptable.

With the background to the incident, my advice (for what it is worth) is that you should go to HR and make them aware of the situation now. You have made your position clear, he responded in an aggressive and unpredictable manner, and is still texting you. If you do not now take formal steps, he will convince himself that you were having an 'off day' or that you do like him really but that someone else has 'got to you'. If things escalate, you will almost certainly be asked why you did not report this incident, especially since the problem has been ongoing since April.

Go and see HR. Seriously.