lost respect for this friend-what now?

feelinghounded

Hi all,

I'm not really a newbie, I'm using a different name for this. Thanks for reading.

I've been friends with a guy at work for a couple of years now. We used to share an office and got on quite well, we would go for the occassional coffee. Although we shared the office we never worked directly together. The relationship is strictly platonic I have never been interested in him and he knows that.

When his GF left him I provided a shoulder to cry on and I felt genuinely sorry for him.

Recently however my opinion of him has changed. We no longer share an office, thankfully, but now my work does bring me in contact with him.

The problem is:

1. He pesters me at work constantly, always turning up for chats, always phoning me. I tell him I'm busy but he just ignores that, he even distrubs me when I'm in meetings. I have resorted to just turning my back on him to get him to leave the room lately. Sometimes it doesn't work he still just sits there.

I know it doesn't sound like much but it is constant and people are starting to notice and comment on it. As soon as he arrives the first thing he does is look for me. If I say I'm busy he just keeps on pestering. My work is suffering because of his constant interruptions and this is causing me stress as I have high targets to meet.

2. Now that I my work brings me in contact with him I've noticed just how idle he is. He hardly does any work - hence wanting to waste my time. He fails to turn up for important meetings or will turn up just as they are finishing. Rarley has his work done on time, actually make that never. He is offensive to colleagues and is often obsructive. I don't know how he gets away with it.

Plus we work in a college and he is chasing after girls who are 30 years his junior and I find it quite sickening. He also just revealed that he is cheating on his new GF with at least 2 other women. In short, I have lost all respect for him and really do not want to spend any time with him.

He has upset and offended so many people now that I don't think anyone will give him the time of day. I guess I am the only person he has left which makes me feel like a real !!!!! saying what I have said.

I really want him to leave me alone but I have to be careful in how I handle him as he is quite volatile and obviously I will have to see him at work.

Any advice would be appreciated.

RedBern

Sounds a nightmare! Do you have a manager you can turn to? Someone who can say, "feeling hounded, you got that work finished yet" or to him, have you got nothing better to do? You re just going to have to continue being cool with him and hopefully he'll take the hint.

You don't share an office any more, can you move into someone else's office, someone who's not afraid of telling him to clear off? Good luck.

dark_lady

Well if he was carrying on at home in a similar manner to the way he carries on in the workplace i can see why that girlfriend left him. Now you also know why.

Emmzi

Ask HR for guidance so someone knows there is a problem

If he is in your mobile, delete and if possible block the number

If he interupts meetings ask him to leave

If he doesn't get the hint you will have to tell him bluntly. Focus on the work impact. Altho fine to say "really I am not interested in your private life" loud and often.

If all else fails you will need to lodge a grievance about him stopping you doing your job.

gratefulforhelp_2

If you work in a college, are you in a union?

You might have a word with his line manager (friendship over, but do you care?)

Before that, though, you should speak to him "People are commenting that we always seem to be together, perhaps we shouldn't speak so much in work".

feelinghounded

Thanks for the replies

My new office mate is very helpful when I tell him to go away she chips in and if I'm out of the office and he arrives she will text and warn me he is around. If he is around I take my work to the library or archive room to avoid him.

I've not had a conversation with him to say that people are talking about him always searching me out, maybe I should, but getting away from him after a conversation is a nightmare. Last time I spoke to him I tried to end the conversation by going to the ladies - he followed me there and then waited for me coming out. Sadly for me I'm on the fourth floor and can't exit out of the window!

I don't know if it is best to try and avoid him as I have been doing or if I should just stay in my office and just tell him to get lost? I've done that a couple of times and it was very uncomfortable.

He is volatile and full of his own self importance, and I think my avoiding tactics will bring things to a head which might be a good thing in some ways. I don't see him allowing me to ignore him for much longer. Although I am dreading any confrontation.

I will try to catch his manager today, she has had zero success with his other behaviours: they seem content to let him off the hook about all kind of things so I'm not sure if she will do anything.

I don't care about the friendship aspect, it was all one sided anyway. My stupid fault for being sympathetic.

Lotus-eater

You need to sort this out head on, say something like, you are affecting my work and would you mind leaving me alone a bit more please.
Have someone else with you when it's done.

somethingcorporate

Take it to his boss, if that fails take it to their boss, if that fails take it to their boss... etc. You may find it better to arrange F2F meetings to discuss rather than via phone / email.

If you escalate it enough I am sure someone will take note of the idle people below them.

gratefulforhelp_2

feelinghounded wrote: »

I don't know if it is best to try and avoid him as I have been doing or if I should just stay in my office and just tell him to get lost? I've done that a couple of times and it was very uncomfortable.

He is volatile and full of his own self importance, and I think my avoiding tactics will bring things to a head which might be a good thing in some ways. I don't see him allowing me to ignore him for much longer. Although I am dreading any confrontation.

I will try to catch his manager today, she has had zero success with his other behaviours: they seem content to let him off the hook about all kind of things so I'm not sure if she will do anything.

I don't care about the friendship aspect, it was all one sided anyway. My stupid fault for being sympathetic.

union?

I worked with someone who just walked away, grunting a reply of sorts over his shoulder...very rude, but not agressive and won't get you in trouble.

Otherwise, you may choose to view this as workplace bullying, in which case, union and or HR.

It would be kindest to spell it out for him first.

feelinghounded

Sorry yes we are both in the union. The next time he shows up and my office mate is there, I will spell it out to him.

I have already told him straight myself a couple of times but he just ignores me, laughing saying "what's up time of the month?" which drives me mad.

Saying it in front of someone else may help; at least I will have someone to acknowledge that I have told him. Oh that is going to be awful, wish I wasn't such a coward!

But then again I would rather face that than make it formal though.

thanks for the replies.

purple.sarah

feelinghounded wrote: »

My work is suffering because of his constant interruptions and this is causing me stress as I have high targets to meet.

Tell him that. If he continues his disruptive behaviour, tell a manager or HR. Actually ask him to leave when he hangs around while you're working and interrupts meetings, rather than just saying you're busy. You don't need to feel guilty, he is the one behaving inappropriately and you have every right to lay down boundaries.

Also when you say you work in a college and he is chasing after girls who are 30 years his junior, do you mean that he works in a college and is making advances towards students? Most educational establishments take that very seriously, as even with adult students there is still an imbalance of power there. You should report that if you can substantiate it.