lost respect for this friend-what now?

DUTR

DVardysShadow wrote: »

Ignore all the advice you have been given so far to involve HR or whatever for the moment. Backtrack yourself from having your office mate fob him off.

Tell him to his face that you want no more to do with him other than the minimum demands of the job, put a note in your diary and leave it at that. Once you have done these things, you can begin to take into account the advice you have been given on this thread.But the advice is only relevant once you have been honest with him to his face.

Believe me, you will be most kind to him by saying where you stand for yourself than involving 3rd parties.

Well said, too many men haters on the forum this morning, there is an issue to be resolved and an oppurtunity to ruin somebody's life.

Lotus-eater

DUTR wrote: »

Well said, too many men haters on the forum this morning, there is an issue to be resolved and an oppurtunity to ruin somebody's life.

You think everything's to do with women hating men, don't you? You've got a massive chip on your shoulder.

Sambucus_Nigra

DVardysShadow wrote: »

Ignore all the advice you have been given so far to involve HR or whatever for the moment. Backtrack yourself from having your office mate fob him off.

Tell him to his face that you want no more to do with him other than the minimum demands of the job, put a note in your diary and leave it at that. Once you have done these things, you can begin to take into account the advice you have been given on this thread.But the advice is only relevant once you have been honest with him to his face.

Believe me, you will be most kind to him by saying where you stand for yourself than involving 3rd parties.

I'd just add to that and say that you need to add on the end of that 'or I will be putting a complaint in to your manager', and make sure he sees you putting a note in your diary and sees you clearly observing and noting the time.

However, who is looking out for these young women he is chasing?

If he is knowingly doing this with students, is there not a policy to notify someone about this?

DVardysShadow

Lotus-eater wrote: »

You think everything's to do with women hating men, don't you? You've got a massive chip on your shoulder.

More a case of women not knowing how to deal with men, methinks. Which can come across as women hating men. For example, allowing the office mate to fob the bloke off.

All too easily, the bloke understands this as the office mate taking matters into her own hands - and puts this into the frame of the actions of a man-hating woman. Whereas if OP said plainly for herself, this red herring would not arise and the advice to involve others would start to come into play.

DVardysShadow

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

I'd just add to that and say that you need to add on the end of that 'or I will be putting a complaint in to your manager', and make sure he sees you putting a note in your diary and sees you clearly observing and noting the time.

I can see your point. But the bit on the end is for the second time around.

DUTR

Lotus-eater wrote: »

You think everything's to do with women hating men, don't you? You've got a massive chip on your shoulder.

You don't know what I think, Dvardy'shadow appears to speak in a language you can all understand.
The OP can resolve her issue locally and without involving the 'authorities' or as many of you have suggested, adopt immediately the path to summary dismissal!, trouble is with irrational actions is that few think of the consequences afterwards. Do you think many or any would thank the OP for that course of action? Or do you think in the long run other staff would avoid her like a piece of uranium. You only have to think around your own work enviroment to know after a time the office backstabbers are the ones who are not popular .

feelinghounded

DVardysShadow wrote: »

More a case of women not knowing how to deal with men, methinks. Which can come across as women hating men. For example, allowing the office mate to fob the bloke off.

All too easily, the bloke understands this as the office mate taking matters into her own hands - and puts this into the frame of the actions of a man-hating woman. Whereas if OP said plainly for herself, this red herring would not arise and the advice to involve others would start to come into play.

I am not allowing my office mate to fob the bloke off for me. He comes in and I say "Please go I have a lot of work to do and no time to talk to you" I turn around and start working.

What is unclear about that?

He just sits there waiting/hoping I will turn around and give him the attention he wants. All the while chuntering on about rubbish that I don't want to know about.

My office mate than interjects and says - she has just asked you to leave so why are you still here?

She doesn't say it for me she just adds her support because each time he comes to see me he also disturbs her. He is very loud and really thick skinned, I am starting to think the only way he will take the hint is if I totally lose it with him and scream at him the way he has started doing with other people.

She is not taking matters into her hands she is supporting me because this guy does not listen to me.

pearl123

DUTR wrote: »

too many men haters on the forum this morning, there is an issue to be resolved and an oppurtunity to ruin somebody's life.

It has nothing to do with men hating. OP's co-worker is behaving in an unacceptable way at work. We have been given a few good examples of this by OP. It also sounds like he is causing problems to more than one person. If he was a female worker doing this it would still be just as unaceptable.

System

I might be interpreting this wrongly, but throughout you have said he annoys people and has had confrontations with some...but he is still employed, so I am 'assuming' that he is either in a position of some authority ( is he a senior tutor? ) or at least is very good at his job when teaching so maybe allowances are made for the 'negative' side of his behaviour?

My point in commenting on that is that if his behaviour has not led to dismissal before now, you might assume it is not going to. In which case it will be necessary to act in a firm way (face to face) so that a working relationship is possible.

DVardysShadow

DUTR wrote: »

You don't know what I think, Dvardy'shadow appears to speak in a language you can all understand.
The OP can resolve her issue locally and without involving the 'authorities' or as many of you have suggested, adopt immediately the path to summary dismissal!, trouble is with irrational actions is that few think of the consequences afterwards. Do you think many or any would thank the OP for that course of action? Or do you think in the long run other staff would avoid her like a piece of uranium. You only have to think around your own work enviroment to know after a time the office backstabbers are the ones who are not popular .

You are making a fair point, although the 'men-hater' aspect indicates that perhaps you too are missing the point.

If you try to deal with a man in a 'sensitive' way as though he is a woman - or vice versa - it is not going to end well. Ultimately, you may need to involve the 'authorities' or put the matter onto the path to summary dismissal. But the first step is to tell the bloke to his face.

But you need to accept that women go about dealing with these matters indirectly, not out of back stabbing, regarding blokes as uranium or anything other than trying to deal with it 'sensitively' - from a complete misunderstanding of the need to deal with a bloke directly on matters like this, rather than indirectly