lost respect for this friend-what now?

Emmzi

the police didn't advise restraining order/ injunction?

Elinore

Hi Emmzi,

Nope. They decided it was 'harmless infatuation'

In the beginning my office all thought it was adorable and could not see why i was getting so tense and upset. In the begining that was the worse bit i would tell people that i was frightened and scared and they would laugh it off. harmless was a word I became totaly sick of.

In the end though after sevral occasions of just bizarre behaviour they realised there was a problem. but by then i was moving/leaving.

gratefulforhelp_2

Purbeck wrote: »

Gfh the OP has said they are over 18 "I don't think it is an offence to have a relationship with a student, after all they are over 18",

Thanks

Just felt it important to flog the point, since if he works in FE or a sixth form college, some of the students will be under 18, though I can see he may only pick over 18s. It's pretty yuck anyway.

OP have you spoken with your union rep yet?

feelinghounded

Thanks for sharing that Elinore, I'm sorry my situation has brought your own experience to mind. You must have been so scared. "Gary" does sound a little like my friend actually.

I recall having a conversation in April where I told him that his constant visits were too much and that they were causing me problems with getting through my work tasks. At that point I was still prepared to have a coffee with him once in a while (I didn't know then about some of his recent antics at work etc and so hadn't lost respect for him, I just thought he was over clingy).

But he just down played what I'd said and say "Oh you work too hard you create your own stress" that type of thing and kept turning up, actually it was that point where things started to get worse.

My point is that he does not accept what I say, no matter how clearly expressed, when it is counter to what he wants. Which sounds like how your friend was.

Like you were with Gary I have no romantic inclinations towards this person, I am very happily married and he knows that. I do worry that despite what he says, he may harbour those types of thoughts towards me - although I have given him zero encouragement. A student told me last week that my friend talks about me a lot in class - that freaked me out.

I haven't told him that I no longer want to be friends, I was hoping he would take the hint, to avoid the inevitable blow up. I now know that that won't happen and taking that tack was a mistake. I have to tell him that I do not want anything more to do with him. As one poster said bluntness is called for!

I haven't spoken to the union rep yet, I was going to say my piece to "my friend" today and then if need be I will go and see union rep for some support. I've been awake all night thinking about what I'm going to say. I'm going to speak to him (friend) in a public area because I am worried about how he will react to this as he does have an explosive temper and my office is off the beaten track.

Sambucus_Nigra

feelinghounded wrote: »

I recall having a conversation in April where I told him that his constant visits were too much and that they were causing me problems with getting through my work tasks. At that point I was still prepared to have a coffee with him once in a while (I didn't know then about some of his recent antics at work etc and so hadn't lost respect for him, I just thought he was over clingy).

But he just down played what I'd said and say "Oh you work too hard you create your own stress" that type of thing and kept turning up, actually it was that point where things started to get worse.

My point is that he does not accept what I say, no matter how clearly expressed, when it is counter to what he wants. Which sounds like how your friend was.

But you have only told him that he is disturbing your work, not that you find him disturbing per se.

He probably thinks he is helping you by saying that.

feelinghounded

He might of thought saying that was helping me, but I did explicitly tell him that he had to stop coming round but he did the reverse of what I had asked for and increased the number of visits.

Anyway, I have acknowledged that I need to tell him that's it friendship over, and that is what I am going to do today when he gets in.

Thanks for the replies.

gratefulforhelp_2

Do you know what? (This thread makes me feel all American) you really don't need to bother with that IMHO.

Telling someone a friendship is over is a bit primary school. If he has so little social awareness as not to realise you've dropped him, well what can you hope to gain, except possibly create a scene where he behaves so badly he is disciplined?

There will be someone who points out that if you want him to leave you alone, then why are you approaching him over non-work issues.

Mixed messages again.

Elinore

feelinghounded,

My thoughts will be with you today.

Please make sure you are in a public area. You have told
told friends and collegues what you are going to do.

Be firm, be consistant, make closed statements. do not pervaricate.

Go straight to it don’t dither about it….. i found the following worked the best.

I find your constant comunication and interuptions distressing. You are to stop now. I do not wish to be your friend any more. I do not wish to talk/email/text anymore. End of. You are to leave me alone. immidiatly.

Each tiime he opens his mouth talk over him and repeat over and over.

Don’t get in to whys and wherefore, sob stories or feel soory for him.

just say

I find your constant comunication and interuptions distressing. You are to stop now. I do not wish to be your friend any more. I do not wish to talk/email/text anymore. End of. You are to leave me alone. immidiatly.

and

I find your constant comunication and interuptions distressing. You are to stop now. I do not wish to be your friend any more. I do not wish to talk/email/text anymore. End of. You are to leave me alone. immidiatly.

and

I find your constant comunication and interuptions distressing. You are to stop now. I do not wish to be your friend any more. I do not wish to talk/email/text anymore. End of. You are to leave me alone. immidiatly.

pearl123

Do come back and tell us how you get on.
Be firm.... then it will be very clear to him.

DVardysShadow

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

Do you know what? (This thread makes me feel all American) you really don't need to bother with that IMHO.

Telling someone a friendship is over is a bit primary school. If he has so little social awareness as not to realise you've dropped him, well what can you hope to gain, except possibly create a scene where he behaves so badly he is disciplined?

There will be someone who points out that if you want him to leave you alone, then why are you approaching him over non-work issues.

Mixed messages again.

I would agree about the possibility of mixed messages.

That is why FH has to tell him that she does not want any contact with him. Yes, it might create a scene. But if he is a person with little social awareness, then he needs to be told.

This step is a necessary precursor to any further action if the unwanted attention continues.