Struggling with relationship *maybe sensitive*

gratefulforhelp_2

jtr2803 wrote: »

Sorry, I thought I mentioned earlier but it was ok for about three months in the beginning, then everything nose dived. His parents are still together and married but I don't think there was much affection shown between them while he was growing up, I've never seen them hold hands, hug, kiss or anything. They have slept in seperate rooms for years too apparently. OH always speaks well about his home life otherwise so I am not aware of any issues there.

Sorry, you did mention it, I'd missed it.

So his model for a couple is undemonstrative.

bluenoseam wrote: »

Having read some of the responses i'm actually shocked with the attitude of some people! Here's a newsflash, not every man thinks of sex every 7 seconds, not every man wants to be having sex every night, there's nothing wrong with that, it's just how some people are programed. If the same thing had been written from a male perspective and similar comments made the guys who wrote them would have been hounded out like animals for such an attitude - as you've pointed out he's otherwise an excellent partner it's just that unlike you he has little desire for just going through the motions. The truth is that as a person he just doesn't seem all that interested in sex but seems to be absolutely in love with you - something which forgive me for being niave, but isn't that something that the majority of women would say is the most important thing in the world?

While I'm normally first to jump on the kind of sexism you describe, I don't *think* people are coming at it (:o) from that angle. It's a genuine wish to help OP in her thoughts on this.

jtr2803

How silly of me!

I am 29 and OH is 32. I really don't have an opinion at this stage on any more children (I have a daughter aged 11), I don't have the urge to have them but also won't say 'never'. OH isn't a big fan of them but we have discussed it and he has said he would never deny me the opportunity to have them if I wanted them in the future and while that may sound odd considering the low sex drive, I do take him at his word.

Lotus-eater

candygirl wrote: »

I know what you mean, but tbh in the past I have had sex when i've really not been in the mood, ie when i'd just had my DD.This was because I was putting my partner's needs before mine, and once I got into the swing of it I even enjoyed it:D:D
It is a difficult dilemma I agree:(:(

This is like my OH. I've said before, but she has a lower sex drive than me. She'd be happy once a week, maybe a bit more. But once I get her interested she enjoys it. And to even the ground, she also gets interested herself more often that she would do normally if she was just left to it. Because she knows I want it more often.
That's the middle ground we have.

It's a little more complicated than that and I don't want to go into details here, but our sex life sort of works in a way where this is not too much of a problem.

candygirl

I was thinking of the andropause, but if he's only 32!!!:eek::eek:Mind you him not being a big fan of kids, I can relate to;):DAlthough I love my kid and Grandkids to bits:D:D:D
TBH I think all the kinky outfits, and sex toys in the world wont change him.I agree someone having a low sex drive isn't wrong, but if he knows you need it, and he is capable of doing it..................:o:o:o

candygirl

Lotus-eater wrote: »

This is like my OH. I've said before, but she has a lower sex drive than me. She'd be happy once a week, maybe a bit more. But once I get her interested she enjoys it. And to even the ground, she also gets interested herself more often that she would do normally if she was just left to it. Because she knows I want it more often.
That's the middle ground we have.

It's a little more complicated than that and I don't want to go into details here, but our sex life sort of works in a way where this is not too much of a problem.

I think it's a kind of "use it or lose it" situation with some peeps sex drives.I'm much more rampant with this OH, than I was with my exes:eek::eek::eek::o:o

gratefulforhelp_2

jtr2803 wrote: »

I am 29 and OH is 32. I really don't have an opinion at this stage on any more children (I have a daughter aged 11), I don't have the urge to have them but also won't say 'never'. OH isn't a big fan of them but we have discussed it and he has said he would never deny me the opportunity to have them if I wanted them in the future and while that may sound odd considering the low sex drive, I do take him at his word.

If he's not a big fan of children, how does he get on with your daughter, that's so important.

Lotus-eater

jtr2803 wrote: »

What I don't understand about it is that his work mates and friends make comments along the lines of us always being at it, one of them even told me that my OH makes out that we have lots of sex which says to me that he is trying to keep up appearances.

I think this is a bad sign. He knows the importance of sex, as he keeps up his image with the boys at work, but isn't prepared or bothered enough to do anything at home.

A big sit down talk is needed and probably has already been done.

LEJC

You know what...I cant work it out either...the word compromise comes up a lot...but Im not sure who's compromising or indeed what the compromise would be...and you use the word "awaken"...as if its just a case of pressing a switch or a button...but clearly its so much more than that too....

So I guess it boils down to love and respect...which clearly you do...and he does too....its probably never going to change until the balance of love and respect shifts to the negative and a larger element of resentment takes hold.

Lotus-eater

candygirl wrote: »

TBH I think all the kinky outfits, and sex toys in the world wont change him.

No..... but I'm happy for anyone to come round and try on me Not that you'd need to bring any of the above.......... I have a trade credit account with lovehoney :rotfl:

Make-it-3

Firstly, I think you need to separate whether there is one thing wrong or more. Is it just the sex or the planning/moving ahead together thing?

Re the sex: you say he kisses/cuddles - isn't that intimacy? Or is it only to a point then he pulls back thinking you will be expecting him to go all the way. If he's not interested for himself is he willing to ahem service you? That would show that he understands you have needs even if he doesn't.

It's good that when you do get some it ignites a spark and he might want to do again a few days later. Can you build on that?

It does sound as though there are issues from his past, but facing those with a counsellor is likely to be a huge step for him, so he would have to be really committed to making this work for you as a couple. If he has self-esteem/anxiety issues just booking a session would be difficult.

Putting this all aside, I think you need to ask whether things would be perfect if the sex was fine. Because you can't change who he intrinsically is. If anxiety causes other problems for your relationship then you really need to look at the bigger picture and ask yourself if you can really continue with a relationship where your frustrations with it will only increase.