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Struggling with relationship *maybe sensitive*
jtr2803
Posts: 3,232 Forumite
I don’t really know where to start so will just have to spill it all out. I am sure some of this information is probably a lot to post on a public forum but I really think I need an outsiders opinion, family and friends always tend to be a little biased!
I have been with my gorgeous boyfriend for almost three and a half years and we have been living together for most of that time. To the outside world we probably look like the perfect couple, we rent a nice flat, we have nice holidays, we are very openly affectionate towards each other and we are always laughing. Unfortunately, close the doors and things are a little bit different. We have some pretty major issues in the bedroom department in that he has absolutely zero drive. I am normally lucky if it happens once every four weeks and it has been like this for probably the best part of three years now.
Obviously this is extremely frustrating and I really am coming to the end of my tether. I have spoken to him calmly, I have cried, I have shouted, I have tried making an effort with underwear (his response was...’I suppose I should then.....’), I have suggested counselling, I have tried just being patient and waiting and I just don’t know what else to do. He says he knows it’s not right and he knows he has some sort of problem but he doesn’t know why he is like it. The closest to an explanation that I get is that he just never thinks about it, I’ve suggested adult movies, he isn’t interested in those either. I have done all the wondering of is there something wrong with me? Does he not find me attractive anymore? But I also know that he was like this with his previous partner (she told me herself).
I’ve tried to explain to him that it makes me feel very unwanted, unattractive and how it is affecting my self esteem. I thought maybe I had put on too much weight so I’ve started working out, I do the majority of the housework so he isn’t tired or anything and I just don’t know how much longer I can live like this. I fancy him like mad and as far as I am concerned he is the most gorgeous man to ever walk this earth so only natural I want to sleep with him! It’s not the actual deed that is important to me, it’s the closeness and the intimacy. I feel like without the sex aspect of our relationship we could just be friends or flat mates. The last time I got VERY depressed about it and told him that I didn’t know if I could continue in the relationship, his response was that he would be gutted if I left him but he is old enough to understand that I have to do what is right for me.
This has also started to exacerbate other issues. I am very career minded and I am getting to an age where I want to start planning things like buying a house, getting married etc but he is my polar opposite. He does not have any goals or ambition, he lives each day at a time and can barely commit to booking a holiday let alone anything else. A lot of this is due to anxiety that he has suffered from since a young age but I find it SO frustrating, I feel at the moment like my life is on hold, I can’t plan anything, I can’t see our relationship taking ‘the next step’ and with the issue above I am starting to wonder whether we are right for each other at all. If we didn’t have a holiday booked for next year I think I would be seriously considering walking away at the moment.
The very last thing I want to add is...
I love him like I have never loved anyone else in my entire life and I love waking up with him every day and coming home to him, I still hope it is him who has text me when my phone beeps and everything I want to do in my future, I want to do with him. I am scared however, that he doesn’t feel the same anymore although he assures me that he does love me and he does want to be with me (if you look through my other posts you will come across a thread I started about the fact that he hasn’t proposed despite me making it clear that I want to get married so obviously to me it seems like he isn’t interested).
I am not sure whether everything is intertwined for him, he isn’t good at talking about emotions, he tends to just fall silent. I really don’t want to end the relationship but I just don’t know how to carry on, I tend to bottle everything up but then suddenly snap and I don’t want to do that and be nasty to him (I know I can be when I get in that sort of state).
It's just making me so sad, I really thought, and to some extent still think, that he is the one and I didn't enter this relationship expecting everything to be easy but how much effort do you make before realising that it's just going to be too hard to continue?
:(:(:(
I have been with my gorgeous boyfriend for almost three and a half years and we have been living together for most of that time. To the outside world we probably look like the perfect couple, we rent a nice flat, we have nice holidays, we are very openly affectionate towards each other and we are always laughing. Unfortunately, close the doors and things are a little bit different. We have some pretty major issues in the bedroom department in that he has absolutely zero drive. I am normally lucky if it happens once every four weeks and it has been like this for probably the best part of three years now.
Obviously this is extremely frustrating and I really am coming to the end of my tether. I have spoken to him calmly, I have cried, I have shouted, I have tried making an effort with underwear (his response was...’I suppose I should then.....’), I have suggested counselling, I have tried just being patient and waiting and I just don’t know what else to do. He says he knows it’s not right and he knows he has some sort of problem but he doesn’t know why he is like it. The closest to an explanation that I get is that he just never thinks about it, I’ve suggested adult movies, he isn’t interested in those either. I have done all the wondering of is there something wrong with me? Does he not find me attractive anymore? But I also know that he was like this with his previous partner (she told me herself).
I’ve tried to explain to him that it makes me feel very unwanted, unattractive and how it is affecting my self esteem. I thought maybe I had put on too much weight so I’ve started working out, I do the majority of the housework so he isn’t tired or anything and I just don’t know how much longer I can live like this. I fancy him like mad and as far as I am concerned he is the most gorgeous man to ever walk this earth so only natural I want to sleep with him! It’s not the actual deed that is important to me, it’s the closeness and the intimacy. I feel like without the sex aspect of our relationship we could just be friends or flat mates. The last time I got VERY depressed about it and told him that I didn’t know if I could continue in the relationship, his response was that he would be gutted if I left him but he is old enough to understand that I have to do what is right for me.
This has also started to exacerbate other issues. I am very career minded and I am getting to an age where I want to start planning things like buying a house, getting married etc but he is my polar opposite. He does not have any goals or ambition, he lives each day at a time and can barely commit to booking a holiday let alone anything else. A lot of this is due to anxiety that he has suffered from since a young age but I find it SO frustrating, I feel at the moment like my life is on hold, I can’t plan anything, I can’t see our relationship taking ‘the next step’ and with the issue above I am starting to wonder whether we are right for each other at all. If we didn’t have a holiday booked for next year I think I would be seriously considering walking away at the moment.
The very last thing I want to add is...
I love him like I have never loved anyone else in my entire life and I love waking up with him every day and coming home to him, I still hope it is him who has text me when my phone beeps and everything I want to do in my future, I want to do with him. I am scared however, that he doesn’t feel the same anymore although he assures me that he does love me and he does want to be with me (if you look through my other posts you will come across a thread I started about the fact that he hasn’t proposed despite me making it clear that I want to get married so obviously to me it seems like he isn’t interested).
I am not sure whether everything is intertwined for him, he isn’t good at talking about emotions, he tends to just fall silent. I really don’t want to end the relationship but I just don’t know how to carry on, I tend to bottle everything up but then suddenly snap and I don’t want to do that and be nasty to him (I know I can be when I get in that sort of state).
It's just making me so sad, I really thought, and to some extent still think, that he is the one and I didn't enter this relationship expecting everything to be easy but how much effort do you make before realising that it's just going to be too hard to continue?
:(:(:( Very happily married on 10th April 2013
Spero Meliora
Trying to find a cure for Maldivesitis :rotfl:
0
Comments
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My first though is why do you restrict yuorself to stick in hole sex? There is a lot of fun to be had in other ways, that do not require him to function but could make your day?If you've have not made a mistake, you've made nothing0
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well what can i say, really you are the only one to know if you can live like this.
however one thing to bare in mind, some people just have low sex drives, there is nothing wrong with them, it is juts how they are, and to be honest sounds very much like your OH just has a low sex drive with the fact of 3 years together and its never really changed and the fact he was like it with his last gf. in this regard there is NOTHING you can do to change it.
as to planning, is it just the case that he just goes with the flow, and if you organise something hes happy to go along but just wont sort it himself?Drop a brand challenge
on a £100 shop you might on average get 70 items save
10p per product = £7 a week ~ £28 a month
20p per product = £14 a week ~ £56 a month
30p per product = £21 a week ~ £84 a month (or in other words one weeks shoping at the new price)0 -
Sounds to me as if you would be better giving up on this as you are fighting a losing battle, if he is not as intimate as you want him to be then that is not likely to change anytime soon,
You say that you have tried all sorts of things to no avail then to be honest it seems as if he has some issues that he wont address and the longer you stay the worse you will feel, I would say consider getting out sooner rather than later.0 -
Only you can decide if you've had enough. Will he every change, does he want to change?
If he stays like this for ever, would you be happy.
People don't really change I'm afraid, it usually works for a bit, then they go back to before.
At least there are no kids involved. You have to remember you are always searching for the right person to settle down with before kids and marriage. If you knew he was like this, would you have picked him to start with?Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.0 -
Hi RAS,
I wondered whether to go into that in my OP but was trying not to word it too bluntly!
There is zero sexual affection, I have to *ahem* DIY, he isn't interested in anything sexual. It doesn't have to be full sex, actually, when I said I get sex once a month, it's generally only full sex every other month and he has never had any issues with his bits not working so it's not that either, just seems to be a total lack of sexual desire.
Very happily married on 10th April 2013
Spero Meliora
Trying to find a cure for Maldivesitis :rotfl:
0 -
Only you can decide if you can live without sex.
Do the plus points of the relationship out weigh the lack of sex?Try to be a rainbow in someone's cloud.0 -
Hi RAS,
I wondered whether to go into that in my OP but was trying not to word it too bluntly!
There is zero sexual affection, I have to *ahem* DIY, he isn't interested in anything sexual. It doesn't have to be full sex, actually, when I said I get sex once a month, it's generally only full sex every other month and he has never had any issues with his bits not working so it's not that either, just seems to be a total lack of sexual desire.
i am guessing he doesnt DIY himself then?Drop a brand challenge
on a £100 shop you might on average get 70 items save
10p per product = £7 a week ~ £28 a month
20p per product = £14 a week ~ £56 a month
30p per product = £21 a week ~ £84 a month (or in other words one weeks shoping at the new price)0 -
So many replies, I will try and catch up with them all as I can but Gonzo, you are right, he doesnt DIY at all.
Very happily married on 10th April 2013
Spero Meliora
Trying to find a cure for Maldivesitis :rotfl:
0 -
It's bout sex innit :rotfl:So many replies, I will try and catch up with them all as I can but Gonzo, you are right, he doesnt DIY at all.
No DIY, = no sex drive then I'm afraid, he will always be this way. Can you live with it?Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.0 -
Could it be a hormone problem? Pituitary gland springs to mind."If you think it's expensive to hire a professional to do the job, wait until you hire an amateur." -- Red Adair0
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