Struggling with relationship *maybe sensitive*

LEJC

having read your original post the only thing I can say or ask you is...are you happy with the relationship continuing the way it is?

It seems to me that he's not going to change so the question is are you prepared to accept him as he is ...or is it time to call it a day...

Lots of relationships work really well on a friendship basis but only if thats how both want it...

You also need to ask yourself if youve been like this in the relationship for the best part of 3 years,how will you feel in another 3 years if nothing has changed...is it your goal to have children together...because there seems little chance of that happening with things as they are....if you hold on another few years, will you start to resent the fact that you are staying together....in someways you dont need a wedding to feel married...but you do need a child to be a parent....

It probably is time to talk and try to establish where he sees you as a couple in a few years time..because without joint commitment to your futures and honest talking you will possibly just coast along in the similar way you both have been....its a situation that hes happy to accept...

toniq

Op could you oh be on medication maybe for his anxiety or similar that could be affecting his libido? Alot of meds have this as a common side effect.

julie03

jtr2803 wrote: »

It must be pretty cutting, he often jokingly asks if I will be batting for the other team any time soon so it's obviously bothered him but I don't know what to do about it apart from say that I am definitely not planning too. Perhaps that's a counselling issue?

the above in bold considering his past could have alot to do with it

gratefulforhelp_2

He sounds like a good person.

You didn't say if it was different to begin with?

Was he treated well as a child/did his parents get along?

TBH a resistance to planning is not IME unusual in unmarried men.

Seanymph

You can't live with it can you - that's why you are posting here - desperately hoping someone will come up with something to CHANGE him. Why oh why do women stay with men they want to change.

This isn't love. I didn't find love until I was in my forties and had a string of these type of relationships behind me. Love isn't about this agony of wanting something you can't have. You want him more than he wants you - you are the driving force and he is apathetic enough to go along with you to an extent.

But it isn't enough.

No one can change him, he was like it last time - he's happy for you to bumble off and he'll be like it next time.

You are right, it's seriously affected your self esteem - take what little you have left and go find someone who makes you feel loved and valued.

bluenoseam

Having read some of the responses i'm actually shocked with the attitude of some people! Here's a newsflash, not every man thinks of sex every 7 seconds, not every man wants to be having sex every night, there's nothing wrong with that, it's just how some people are programed. If the same thing had been written from a male perspective and similar comments made the guys who wrote them would have been hounded out like animals for such an attitude - as you've pointed out he's otherwise an excellent partner it's just that unlike you he has little desire for just going through the motions. The truth is that as a person he just doesn't seem all that interested in sex but seems to be absolutely in love with you - something which forgive me for being niave, but isn't that something that the majority of women would say is the most important thing in the world?

That's just a male perspective of things, probably nothing to do with him fancying you (which by the sounds of it he does), no one else involved just a case that he probably doesn't feel like it - and the more you push the fact the more and more he'll eventually grow to resent it, i'm not saying you HAVE to accept that he's that way without ever doing anything, but it's essentially nagging him and well, i don't like being nagged. Hopefully you can find some way to counter it and find a happy medium, but just remember that it could be one of those situations where he's just not gonna be the 4 times a week & twice on a Sunday kinda guy.

LEJC

If your partner suddenly announced that he was gay for example and you therefore had a reason for his behaviour would that make it easier to leave him?...because the relationship failed as a result of him

Are you looking for him to provde the key for you to leave...you clearly are not happy with things how they are...
If you are not fulfilled and happy in this relationship then its for you to speak up and do something about it...otherwise the pair of you will coast along until one of you calls it a day...

A partnership is about being compatable...and sometimes that means sacrifices...however when one partner feels the sacrifice they are being asked to make is too much then it really is time to re assess the partnership...

Before I married I had no idea if children were something that my husband wanted or not...so when I suggested them I was relieved that they did figure in his plans too...for me to have been denied the oppurtunity to try for a child would almost certainly have shifted the balance of our relationship to a point that it may not have continued....had we not been able to have childen then that would have been something where I would have had to make sacrifices...

pinkshoes

jtr2803 wrote: »

I’ve tried to explain to him that it makes me feel very unwanted, unattractive and how it is affecting my self esteem.

I had to reply as your post made me somewhat depressed!

I guess I'm a female version of your OH. I've always had a low sex drive, but since having a baby 10 months ago, it got even lower.

It's nothing personal towards my OH, I love affection, cuddles, kisses, and I'd happily give him a massage, but just not really interested in sex.

If my OH turned round to me and told me it made him feel unwanted and unattractive, I would feel mortified! I'm quite sure he doesn't mind, and he's more than welcome to "entertain" himself...!

Can't you just get yourself the latest rampant rabbit from Ann Summers??

jtr2803

Thank you all for you continuing replies, even the ones that are hard to read.

From bottom up...

Pink Shoes, I have three already! It's not about the actual big O, it's about feeling wanted and desired. We haven't just had a baby so things are obviously very different for us but I understand what you are saying.

LEJC - Yes, if he suddenly announced he was gay it would be easier to leave. It's not that I want him to be to blame and for it to be his fault, actually I am being stubborn because I do love him and I don't want to leave him. Long story but I waited a year after we first met for us to get together and I don't want to just give up and walk away. I think it's for the long haul and it won't be easy but I want to try and make it work if I/we can.

Bluenoseam - thank you. Everyone always tells me you can see how much he loves me, even my mum! I think he does love me, and I am certainly not expecting him to suddenly turn into an absolute nympho and I know it won't happen over night, we just need to try and find a compromise, if there is one. I have desperately tried not to nag him or pressure him but if I don't then it would never happen.

Seanymph, I don't want to CHANGE him, I just want to awaken something that seems to be lost. If it isn't there to be brought to the surface or worked on then I will have to decide whether I can continue long term. Sorry, but I don't believe you can just meet the perfect person, we all have our issues and disagreement, surely one or both of you has to change for it to work? It's not called change, it's adaptation.

gratefulforhelp - he is a good person and that's why I love him so much. He is a hard grafter, still has all his manners and will always look out for everyone else. Sorry, I thought I mentioned earlier but it was ok for about three months in the beginning, then everything nose dived. His parents are still together and married but I don't think there was much affection shown between them while he was growing up, I've never seen them hold hands, hug, kiss or anything. They have slept in seperate rooms for years too apparently. OH always speaks well about his home life otherwise so I am not aware of any issues there.

Toniq - No medication that I know of, he did have a lot of medication when he was younger but he hasn't been on any since we have been together.

Phew, think I got most of them!

Lotus-eater

I think one of the points is, that someone with a low sex drive, doesn't truly understand that anything is wrong. So, to get them to try to have a higher drive is very difficult. To get them any sort of help, also difficult.

Normally they just are like that, nothing can really be done, because there isn't really anything wrong with them, that's just the way they are, like the people who have very high sex drive, is there anything wrong with them?

You can try to get a middle ground, so you both will be halfway happy, but it does sound a bit difficult in this case.

I'd go back to my original advice, try and get his interest, buy some stuff that you will like, toys, clothes, anything that may help, try really hard to be interesting and get him into it. Be sensitive and understanding, but get your sex.
If that doesn't work, then I think you've lost any chance of getting it any better.