Struggling with relationship *maybe sensitive*

LEJC

Then in my opinion you wont change him...you need to accept him for what he is and accept that it will be different to how YOU would like your life together to be...

candygirl

Awww hun it seems such a shame that everything else in your relationship is brill, apart from this one major issue:(:(
I know myself, that I couldn't live like you have to.For me, sex is a really really important part of my relationship with my OH.If we didn't do it at all, I couldn't continue the relationship, as I have tons of mates, and need love and sexual attention from my partner:o:o:o
I went out with someone last year with a very low sex drive, who was also very inhibited, needless to say it didn't last:o
I really wish i could come up with some good advice for you, but if his bits work, and he can do it, I do think there's an element of selfishness going on on his part:(:(

make_me_wise

You two sound like chalk and cheese. To be honest I would struggle to have a relationship with someone who has so little ooomph and just seems to drift through life.

I must admit I really felt for you when you told us how much you love him and how you feel about him. Hate to use a cliche but I think this is a clear case of 'it's not you, it's him'. It is natural for you to be making plans for your future. I get the distinct impression that whilst right now you want him to be a full part of it, a few years down the track things would not work out. Living with someone who has such lack lustre for life will become extremely tedious and cause your life to feel totally stuck in a rut and boring.

My advice is walk away and find someone who can share your life the way you want to live it.

jtr2803

LEJC - I suspect that that is exactly what it will come down to. I really wish there was a compromise rather than just me having to accept things the way they are.

Lotus-Eater, It's so frustrating for so many reasons! I am sure he finds it equally frustrating that I keep getting on his case about it. What I don't understand about it is that his work mates and friends make comments along the lines of us always being at it, one of them even told me that my OH makes out that we have lots of sex which says to me that he is trying to keep up appearances.

He can't seem to tell me why he doesn't want it, other than he just doesn't think about it. We really need to work on it together, I had out on weight and wasn't happy with my body so I am doing something about it, perhaps once I feel sexier I will be more confident about making advances?

Candygirl, thanks for your kind words. A few of my close friends know and they have all said that they probably couldn't live like it either but thats what's annoying, I love him so much that I don't want to leave him, especially when he is so good to me in other ways. I've had relationships with lots of sex but no trust, no support, no affection and I know which I would rather have.

gonzo127

candygirl wrote: »

Awww hun it seems such a shame that everything else in your relationship is brill, apart from this one major issue:(:(
I know myself, that I couldn't live like you have to.For me, sex is a really really important part of my relationship with my OH.If we didn't do it at all, I couldn't continue the relationship, as I have tons of mates, and need love and sexual attention from my partner:o:o:o
I went out with someone last year with a very low sex drive, who was also very inhibited, needless to say it didn't last:o
I really wish i could come up with some good advice for you, but if his bits work, and he can do it, I do think there's an element of selfishness going on on his part:(

but is that such a bad thing as really would you want to have sex with someone knowing that they dont 'really' want to be having sex with you at that point in time and is only doing it because they felt they should?

i dont know about you but that isnt my idea of good sex with loving and affection

jtr2803

make_me_wise wrote: »

You two sound like chalk and cheese. To be honest I would struggle to have a relationship with someone who has so little ooomph and just seems to drift through life.

I must admit I really felt for you when you told us how much you love him and how you feel about him. Hate to use a cliche but I think this is a clear case of 'it's not you, it's him'. It is natural for you to be making plans for your future. I get the distinct impression that whilst right now you want him to be a full part of it, a few years down the track things would not work out. Living with someone who has such lack lustre for life will become extremely tedious and cause your life to feel totally stuck in a rut and boring.

My advice is walk away and find someone who can share your life the way you want to live it.

Thanks make me wise, it was hard to read your post because I expect you could be right. The fact that we are so opposite has worked quite well for about 70% of the time, he would be the calming influence when I had my head stuck up my backside! He has always made it clear to me that his lack of planning was due to anxiety and that he would get worked up about things that were planned in advance, he didn't sit his driving test until he was 26 because it gave him such anxiety.

He has been very supportive of my career and my progress so far, I should be qualified next summer and he has recently also passed his own qualifications which is a step in the right direction. All I have done so far is make my feelings about marriage etc very clear. I wanted to try and keep the two issues seperate but I think at the moment they are merging into one big ball of problems.

I could ask him where he sees himself in 3 years time but he wouldn't know, he would probably say 'with you' but couldn't say anymore than that!

candygirl

jtr2803 wrote: »

LEJC - I suspect that that is exactly what it will come down to. I really wish there was a compromise rather than just me having to accept things the way they are.

Lotus-Eater, It's so frustrating for so many reasons! I am sure he finds it equally frustrating that I keep getting on his case about it. What I don't understand about it is that his work mates and friends make comments along the lines of us always being at it, one of them even told me that my OH makes out that we have lots of sex which says to me that he is trying to keep up appearances.

He can't seem to tell me why he doesn't want it, other than he just doesn't think about it. We really need to work on it together, I had out on weight and wasn't happy with my body so I am doing something about it, perhaps once I feel sexier I will be more confident about making advances?

Candygirl, thanks for your kind words. A few of my close friends know and they have all said that they probably couldn't live like it either but thats what's annoying, I love him so much that I don't want to leave him, especially when he is so good to me in other ways. I've had relationships with lots of sex but no trust, no support, no affection and I know which I would rather have.

I understand that, but also feel your frustration:(:(
My Cousin who is gorgeous, kind, caring and has a fab job, house etc married a really lovely vibrant woman a few years ago.Prior to this we always thought he was asexual, as he never had any girlfriends or bothered with women.She left him, and nobody could work out why, but I always thought it might've been a lack of lead in the pencil dept that was the problem:(:(:(

merlot123

I'm female and I'm the same as your OH. I have a low drive, nothing but nothing can change it, it is the way you are programmed.

I don't think for one moment he is being selfish, or withholding sex for any reason, he will probably not understand how you feel, he may well feel like this is normal for him.

I certainly find my OH attractive, we hold hands when out (much to the embarrassment of my young teenage children),send each other txts all the time when he is working away, yet I find it difficult to take it further, I don't need sex very often, I'm not abnormal, its the way I am.

It's up to you if you can live with it, think about it seriously, good guys are difficult to find.

merlot123

candygirl

gonzo127 wrote: »

but is that such a bad thing as really would you want to have sex with someone knowing that they dont 'really' want to be having sex with you at that point in time and is only doing it because they felt they should?

i dont know about you but that isnt my idea of good sex with loving and affection

I know what you mean, but tbh in the past I have had sex when i've really not been in the mood, ie when i'd just had my DD.This was because I was putting my partner's needs before mine, and once I got into the swing of it I even enjoyed it:D:D
It is a difficult dilemma I agree:(:(

LEJC

I dont think you've told us your age...or whether children figure in YOUR plans...but I suspect that your possibly approaching that time where career and babies start to conflict and one takes a back seat for a while whilst you concentrate on the other....

What does he feel about children....and if its not the same as you how will you feel in 10-15 years time when time wont be quite so on your side to conceive....either with him or someone else....will you still feel that love for him even if he has denied you the opportunity to try for a child.....or is that the time that you will look back with a possible regret....