Struggling with relationship *maybe sensitive*

jtr2803

victory wrote: »

So one question comes to mind, is he scared of sex?

Has he been put off by a comment, a quip, a lack of performance by a previous girlfriend or yourself?

Has he read in the papers or watched on the tele or seen a !!!!!! film something that bothered him to do with sex?

Does he lack self confidence?

Does he feel inadequate?

Does he actually wish for more but does not know how to express it?

I think you could really have hit the nail on the head....

We were initially introduced by a mutual friend who made a comment about my OH not thinking he was any good at sex. Because this was always in the back of my mind I make it very clear how attractive I find him and how good he makes me feel, he knows it himself anyway!!! I have never, and would never, make any sort of quip about poor performance or anything similar so maybe that is in his head but it isn't from me.

jtr2803

VfM4meplse wrote: »

Is it really about the sex? From the OP I don't think your OH is right for you, which is not to say that he's not got good qualities or that you don't love him. The question is when you will come to that realisation, sooner or later.

ETA Bear in mind that true gentlemen are hard to find, it doesn't seem quite what you want though.

If we could work on the bedroom issue then I can compromise on the lack of forward planning, we just are different in that respect but I accept that, I think the lack of bedroom activity is making everything else seem worse so I've started maybe justifying a reason to leave if that makes sense?

victory

jtr2803 wrote: »

I think you could really have hit the nail on the head....

We were initially introduced by a mutual friend who made a comment about my OH not thinking he was any good at sex. Because this was always in the back of my mind I make it very clear how attractive I find him and how good he makes me feel, he knows it himself anyway!!! I have never, and would never, make any sort of quip about poor performance or anything similar so maybe that is in his head but it isn't from me.

You see it can take one little comment and if you are sensitive about it it escalates, take women and a quip about weight for example and all of a sudden they have a complex for live about their middles or bums or whatever and spend their time covering it up and that being a problem all their lives whatever the next person says....

Dig a little deeper, if he is not a conversationalist get him to write it down and show it to you, what he feels could be the reason he has become like this, was it what he saw on a !!!!!! film, that he would not be able to match up?

Or something that was done to him he did not like?

Something he did to someone and they belittled him, making him have a complex?

sunshinetours

jtr2803 wrote: »

I am convinced there is something psychological going on, his very first girlfriend physcially attacked him a couple of times because he wouldn't sleep with her (because they were on the sofa at his brothers house) and she then left him for a woman, can't imagine that does much for a guys esteem. His last partner also decided to move a woman in as he was leaving (she had previously had relationships with other women) so I guess twice in a row must hit quite hard.

I would say that part is pretty relevant as to how he must see women in his life. I'm pretty sure having two out of three women "turn gay" on me would impact my own self esteem in the bedroom department! Secretly he must be thinking even subconsciously - "when is she going to leave me for a women like all the others"

The fact that he also said when you mentioned about moving on, that you had to do what you had to do, speaks more volumes about his feelings than anything else to be honest.

Sorry hope you get it sorted

jtr2803

Errata wrote: »

Sounds like it's time for the conversation that goes 'Look mate, I think you have a very serious problem in the bedroom department. I may be wrong, but something's wrong and I want US to sort it out because I can't live this way. What are WE going to do about it ?'

I did this in April I think and thats when I asked if he would go to the doctors or see a counsellor, he agreed but with resistance. I know WE need to work at it and I've made that clear too. I think I've been too scared of putting the pressure on but maybe I need to before I give up completely.

jtr2803

sunshinetours wrote: »

I would say that part is pretty relevant as to how he must see women in his life. I'm pretty sure having atwo women "turn gay" on me would impact my own self esteem in the bedroom department! Secret;y he must be wthinking even subconciously - "when is she going to leave me for a women like all the others"

The fact that he also said when you mentioned about moving on, that you had to do what you had to do, speaks more volumes about his feelings than anything else to be honest.

Sorry hope you get it sorted

It must be pretty cutting, he often jokingly asks if I will be batting for the other team any time soon so it's obviously bothered him but I don't know what to do about it apart from say that I am definitely not planning too. Perhaps that's a counselling issue?

Mrs_Optimist

You sound just like a very close friend of mine who had suffered for years with a husband with a low sex drive. They had children, and he was brilliant in other ways (cooking, bringing home a wage, good father etc). But she craved sexual attention - to the extent that she seriously contemplated having an affair - well one night stand - just to feel "wanted" again.

She tried discussing with her husband but he didn't want to know, she even told him that she had been tempted to have sex with someone else - his response was defensive. Cutting a long story short, they separated this year. he had had a few "flings" , she discovered that he was in fact bisexual, the flings were with men. They are now separated. he refuses still to discuss the situation. She had absolutely no idea that he was "that" way inclined and feels very angry that she has spent a large part of her life putting up with someone who was "confused" but didn't admit it to himself - let alone anyone else. They were more like brother and sister than lovers.

I am not suggesting for one minute that your partner is bisexual, but I am suggesting that you need to disscuss the sexual aspect of your relationship - you are clearly unhappy and I suspect he is not happy with the sexual relationship either. Letting the situation contiune will just breed resentment for both of you which could seriously damage your friendship as well as your relationship.

I hope you get it sorted.

Errata

You need to ask him what he's done about it, waiting and saying nothing for almost six months makes no sense.

gonzo127

jtr2803 wrote: »

I did this in April I think and thats when I asked if he would go to the doctors or see a counsellor, he agreed but with resistance. I know WE need to work at it and I've made that clear too. I think I've been too scared of putting the pressure on but maybe I need to before I give up completely.

would he be someone who might be better if you wrote down your feeling and allowed him to read it in his own time, and given some space to think about things instead of being 'confronted' with one of his shortcomings (sorry no pun intended)

Wilma33

Might he be asexual?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asexual