Struggling with relationship *maybe sensitive*

jtr2803

Sorry for being a bit behind in replying.

OH is the youngest of four so his parents were certainly active in that department! :rotfl:

I still think (or choose to believe) that part of the problem is psychological and part of it is just habit, he fell into a habit of not doing it and it's easy to carry on like that. ETA - I think he does also just have a lower than average drive too.

Lotus-eater wrote: »

So OP, has any of this helped you decide what to do?

It kind of has.

Typing down how I feel about him and reading replies along the lines of me leaving him has made me see just how hard that would be for me. I can't just stop myself from loving him and there is no one else I want to be with and I can't imagine not being with him. That's not to say that I think we can carry on like this, I don't know how we can move forward but I know I want to at least give it one last try. Maybe he feels like we aren't really compatible either but is too scared to say? We need to talk it through but he needs to open up and tell me how he feels about the sex issue, me, and our future together.

I am meeting a friend for dinner tonight and then going swimming so by the time I get home I will be too tired for sex anyway so there won't be any pressure tonight.

lostinrates

OP,

I agree very much with the poster who points out that sex drive is a bit ''use it or lose it''. That's possibly why he's interested for a few days after you have sex.

Also, and please take these questions rhetorically....when you diy do you diy where he can see/hear you? It might be an idea to consider.

Finally, regarding intimacy outside of sex, wha about increasing the range of the non sexual/not leading to intercourse activities? running him a bath and hopping in with him and then putting no prressure on him, let it end with the bath. Giving him a foot massage while he watches tv...then giving him some foot cream and plonking your feet upon him....things that involve touch and loving, tenderness, but not necessary sexual.


Sex is really important to me too, but I struggle to understand the position of those who say they couldn't stay in an otherwise wonderful relationship with out it....my husband matters more to me than sex.

Oh, and chalk and cheese with work attitude etc....well, that might be a blessing later. DH has a good career, and if I had one too we'd never see each other. As a personality I would say I'm more driven than him, but his lack of frenetic drive is what keeps him sane in a high stress environment. Ultimately, his attitude, which can appear laid back, is actually calm and sane. He plays life as it is thrown to him, living in the moment. Its actually a healthy way to be IMO, for mental health, and sometimes I envy that attitude very much.

Errata

Get yourselves to Relate and get it sorted out, one way or another.

Amyrose

Errata wrote: »

Get yourselves to Relate and get it sorted out, one way or another.

I agree.

You come across like you are both lovely for each other, and this may simply be one of those bumps in the road. I wish you both well and I hope everything turns out well.

busiscoming2

I see you are in Kent, these centres do Sex Therapy: http://www.relate.org.uk/locate-a-to-z/k/index.html perhaps one of those may be accessible for you both.

Odette

I dont want to be flamed but have you thought about talking about opening up your relationship maybe? If he is satisfied and you arnt yet you are both in love, maybe he wouldnt mind you having a boyfriend?
Just a thought.

*max*

I think it's quite significant that his past two girlfriends have gone on to have same-sex relationships. This could be a symptom of his attitude rather than a cause: maybe he subconsciously chose women who he felt were "safe" in that respect, ie: would not want sex from him, or at least would not be long-term prospects? I think he could be either asexual, or gay (without wanting to admit it to himself).

ktb

I have found this thread fascinating - so didn't want to just read and run! I lost my sex drive completely a few years ago in the middle of a 4 year relationship (with a guy with a very high sex drive). It caused no end of problems for us so I sympathise with the OP and her BF - I imagine they are both feeling massively pressured by the elephant that is probably in the (bed)room most of the time, it is a truly horrible feeling.

Yes, some people do have lower sex drives.... (although this is somewhat rarer in men I believe as they are biologically hardwired in a way that women are not).... but if things were ok between you to start with there might be hope for him and this situation is more likely a culmination of haunting past experiences & a massive lack of confidence creating a very bad habit believing he has no sex drive. CBT might help this if he is willing to tackle it....

But obviously HE will have to want to address that for there to be any hope of him sorting it out... as that might take some serious counselling and he may well not want to open these cans of worms.

Sex has a different importance to different people and I believe there needs to either be an element of compatibility in a relationship or some serious compromise that is addressed early on, so that no resentment sets in. If this is the best it is EVER going to be between you & the sex situation never changes, is that good enough for you & your quality of life? Only you can know that for sure.....

On a side note... I mentioned this to my other half who works at a Drs and he said to get your BF checked out medically if he never has any natural arousal whatsoever and genuinely never 'services' himself.... it could possibly be sign of something medical... be good to rule it out as a factor maybe?

The_Rizler

Hi there OP,
You are one strong lady.
My story is that I was with my other half for 4 years and for the last two years we had sex the sum total of twice. The first year was ok, second year was turbulant to say the least and the last two years the sex was non existant.
I left in the end as, I think that sex is a normal part of a loving relationship, it took a long hard look and a conversation with a male friend to get me to the realisation that I couldn't live in a relationship where sex wasn't important to both parties. We were just too different and I would say that I couldn't live without a happy medium, or at least the desire for the other side to consider a different way. It wasn't the only thing but for me it was huge. Although I'm still single and don't have a partner, I can accept it - having sex (or getting sex) is easy to obtain, but I want it within a loving relationship as it
feels different and not 'empty'.
From all that I've read you guys certainly need the help of a counsellor - him to address the feelings of being left and to understand your feelings about sex, also he'll need the safety to know that because you really want him - you're willing to go to the ends of the earth to get that happy medium for this relationship. - You to understand what he really thinks and feels. It's easy to say that you love someone, easy to do the actions of caring but engaging in that other person, wanting them and being loved is just plain gorgeous when it's right. At the minute you don't have it. But you can get there.
That way if it doesn't work out he'll know and understand that it was just incompatibilty in one area of your lives where a compromise couldn't be obtained.

Goodluck OP, loving isn't easy but if everyone were the same it would be an uninteresting place to be.

aggypanthus

I have a 40something male friend who was abused as a child. Resulting from this he hates sex, never settles into a long relationshp.He will have very short relationships and just has sex when he is really drunk, he finds it dirty and fervently cleans himself afterwards. Its a dreadful legacy of abuse and very sad.