Son just started Uni but in tears

desert_rose

Be quietly supportive, amazingly positive and very, very strong!

When my lad went off to uni he was the same as yours and had a hard time settling in at first....until he met a nice girl on the same course as he was.

A few years down the line they recently married, bought a starter home and both have decent enough jobs.

Point is, its a massive transition from being at home to being out in the big wide world - and its a journey of the mind as well as a journey in life skills.
Your son still has his L plates on and is learning to read life's road map. You can help him gain confidence and knowledge by urging him to succeed and to recognise that sometimes, life is hard but you deal with it. You don't run away.

All the best to you. You sound like a great mum.

coffeebeen

I remember this feeling oh so well- 10 years ago for me! I was very homesick when I first started uni- about 200 miles away for me. I remember crying a lot in the first couple of weeks! I didn't gel with my flatmates at all and I didn't particularly enjoy freshers week either as I am not a huge drinker so all of the drunkeness was a bit offputting for me. But once I started my course it was a lot better and I made good friends. I also got a job which was great for meeting new people and getting out and about!

I really enjoyed uni in the end- I'm sure he will be fine!

Dumyat

My kids have been through this too. My son more than my daughter. I remember telling him not to turn down any invitations to pubs or parties even if he wasn't keen to go, just make some effort. By nature he is a quiet boy, but he has a huge circle of friends now. Its a normal phase. I can remember the feeling watching my parents drive away..

Have to say left my daughter in tears, so I cried the whole drive home only to get a text when I got home that she was off to the union bar with her new best friends forever..She also goes about with people she knows who went to high school with her, does he know people from school who are there, even if they weren't particularly close friends before.

once the tutorial teaching starts he'll be in smaller groups with people with similar interests and it will get much easier.

Millie2008_2

Does the uni have a golf society? Ours seems to have a society for everything. If so, could he join that? Or think about any other interests he has.

My students often tell me that the friends they meet in the first feew weeks are rarely the friends they keep through the three years as you are very much thrown together in student halls/flats and tend to make rather superficial friendships, then find "real" friends when they have found their feet a bit. When his course starts proper, he will meet a different lot of people (and personally, I had more in common with my course mates than halls mates)

If things do get too tough, I think he does need to know that there is support out there. Not necessarily counselling, but speaking from my experience, we have halls mentors to befriend new students, centralised support services, including the option of drop in sessions/groups with a counsellor for homesick students. And in our dept, students have both personal tutors and a welfare tutor, so we really do have their emotional wellbeing at heart.

Most unis (I think) also have a service called Niteline, which is a telephone and drop in support service

If you are still concerned, you could call the student support and counselling (or whatever they are called up there) and ask them for advice. They won't be able to discuss your son per se, but they could offer advice and reassurance

All that said, I agree that this is something most students go through to some respect, some might respond in a similar way to your son, others might cope by throwing themselves into the Freshers culture. Either way, 99% of my homesick freshers find their feet in a few weeks and go on to have an amazing uni experience

Wilma33

Is he sad *between* your phone calls? I know I had a brilliant first term at uni, but I would regularly burst into tears as soon as I phoned home! My poor parents were probably left worrying about me when I was off out again having a great time as soon as I hung up. I think new student just need a "release" and they remember how homesick they are when they hear (and even worse, see) their mum!

Make sure he knows what a great time you are having and how well you are coping (even if it's not true), so he isn't worrying about you and doesn't think you want him to come home.

In a few weeks you will be worrying that you never hear from him because he is always out with his new friends...

Oldernotwiser

Bluebell1000 wrote: »

However, having been through it myself, I can tell you that I quit my first attempt at university after about 3 hours - unpacked, repacked, got in car, went home. My parents were utterly horrified! If that does happen, it really doesn't mean he's wasting his opportunities or anything. I took a gap year, worked, and went back to a different (better) uni, much more mature and able to cope with the pressures of student life, and I loved every minute of it. I do think that sometimes at 18 people just aren't always ready to manage uni life. For me, walking out of that uni place was the best decision I ever made.

You're forgetting the increased fees that are coming in next year!

maggiesoop

Thank you SO much to EVERYONE who contributed to this thread. You have restored my faith in human nature and now, 5 days later, I'm getting requests to the Bank of Mum to pay for clubs here and there . Looks like he might survive after all.
I can finally get my life back.

Watching the Old Grey Whistle Test and remember what it was like being a teenager in the 70s !!!! God, what awful clothes we wore, and here's me thinking I was sex on legs on my platform boots!

Thanks and goodnight x

victory

Goodnight and I am very pleased it is working out for him and you feel much better:D

KiKi

I'm so sorry, I haven't read any of the replies, but wanted to tell you, OP, that this is normal for many uni students! My story:

I went to uni, full of expectation, and suddenly realised I was quite insecure and had never been away from home before. I arrived on Saturday, and called my parents at 2am on Sunday morning, sobbing and sobbing. They came down the next day. I cried like a baby when they left. Every day for the next two weeks I cried for HOURS on the phone to them.

In the second week, after begging my parents to pick me up again, my mum told me I HAD to stick it out for two weeks, and then IF I was still unhappy we'd talk about me going home. She put the phone down, then! I was gutted. But I stuck it out for two weeks, as she'd said.

As soon as the work kicked in and I had a routine and schedule, and had gotten to know people, I was fine. I didn't love uni, even now looking back, but it was still all fine.

My mum says that to this day putting the phone down on me was the worst thing she ever did, but that she knew she had to do it for my sake. She also says that if the phone ever rings late at night (or in the night, as our Australian relatives sometimes call!), her heart starts beating really fast and she gets that feeling of 'dread' because she thinks it's me in trouble - despite the fact that this was 15 years ago!

Give him time, distressing as it is. Let him talk to you, but encourage him to do things. Freshers' week is tough. I had a sheltered upbringing, and didn't drink or anything, so to be amongst teenagers who were going crazy with from being away from home for the first time was very hard. Lots of drinking, partying, smoking etc, all of which I hated. When the course kicks in he'll probably feel a bit better

KiKi

melancholly

maggiesoop wrote: »

Thank you SO much to EVERYONE who contributed to this thread. You have restored my faith in human nature and now, 5 days later, I'm getting requests to the Bank of Mum to pay for clubs here and there . Looks like he might survive after all.
I can finally get my life back.

i thought i should also mention the other side of it - i went off and barely looked back in my first week. i was busy and meeting new people and had a great time. didn't even ring home often (and no mobile in those days and no landline in rooms or skype!). my mum was crushed (although i did get homesick a few weeks in)! kids growing up is tough whatever the outcome! but i'm glad he's ok and that you're not worried any more.