Son just started Uni but in tears

elsien

maggiesoop wrote: »

He's joined a couple of clubs and goes to the gym and is really trying to put himself out there when it comes to socialising (and he's a nice guy, not too shy) but everyone seems to have "got in" with people already and he just wants a couple of decent mates too.

Tell him to give it time - with the odd exception, the people you spend time with in the first few weeks (so you don't feel like a total billy no-mates) are the ones that you quickly realise you have little in common with and spend the next 3 years trying to shake off.

There's the peer pressure to put yourself out there and make friends, whereas finding people you really have things in common with takes a bit longer. It can feel like you're the only person who hasn't "got in" already, ( I almost felt like I needed a big sandwich board saying "please be my friend") but appearances are deceptive - stick with it and he'll get there. Plus there may be the opportunity to shift lodgings to something that suits him better as time goes on.

maggiesoop

Hello again

Yet another twist in the sage. Son thinks if he moves to different accommodation things might improve vastly however his Unite (private accommodation) contract states that he must find a new tenant himself before they will release him. He has tried to move to another Unite property but the ones he wanted are full - and have a waiting list !

Has anyone come across this scenario with their childrens' first year accommodation? I called Unite at Aberdeen and asked if they would also help him by stating that there are places on the website but they say it's totally his responsibility and he must advertise on Gumtree, put posters up and ask around etc. which of course he is now doing frantically!

Any advice gratefully received.

Buttonmoons

How many UNITE places is there in Aberdeen? I know there is a big student block in rosemount next to my ex's house (yes I will get you back for throwing bog roll at me out the window, just you wait....) There is the cornmeal exchange (or whatever its called lol and I hate the dorms in there, they are pokey small! Totally weird lay out, like a hostel....) and there is hillhead dorms (which I live beside and I hate those students there too!)

Most students have well and truly got into the swnig of things as their chronic binge drinking is happening everyday and keeping me awake with their shouting in the street - As you can see, I love students

maggiesoop

Buttonmoons wrote: »

How many UNITE places is there in Aberdeen? I know there is a big student block in rosemount next to my ex's house (yes I will get you back for throwing bog roll at me out the window, just you wait....) There is the cornmeal exchange (or whatever its called lol and I hate the dorms in there, they are pokey small! Totally weird lay out, like a hostel....) and there is hillhead dorms (which I live beside and I hate those students there too!)

Most students have well and truly got into the swnig of things as their chronic binge drinking is happening everyday and keeping me awake with their shouting in the street - As you can see, I love students

Appreciate the tips, honest my son rarely throws a wobbly so I can't imagine he would throw toilet rolls at you. However, out of sight....:rotfl:

angelil

What reasons has he given you for wanting to change accommodation?

I say this because living with other people was the worst aspect, by a long way, of EVERY YEAR of my four years at uni. I spent most of my time trying to avoid the people I lived with, which was sad really. SO if he feels that his problems will be solved by him moving accommodation (depending on what those problems are of course) he MAY find that he does not achieve the desired result. If it's purely social (read: and he doesn't live with some sort of axe murderer) then I would recommend staying where he is, not going through the aggro of a move & finding a new tenant, and joining truckloads of societies (thereby spending as little time in his accommodation as possible).

At the end of the day I largely viewed my accommodation as a place to lay my head and store my stuff - not as a social arena. Sad but true. You can enjoy uni life without enjoying your accommodation much.

lostinrates

angelil wrote: »

What reasons has he given you for wanting to change accommodation?

I say this because living with other people was the worst aspect, by a long way, of EVERY YEAR of my four years at uni. I spent most of my time trying to avoid the people I lived with, which was sad really. SO if he feels that his problems will be solved by him moving accommodation (depending on what those problems are of course) he MAY find that he does not achieve the desired result. If it's purely social (read: and he doesn't live with some sort of axe murderer) then I would recommend staying where he is, not going through the aggro of a move & finding a new tenant, and joining truckloads of societies (thereby spending as little time in his accommodation as possible).

At the end of the day I largely viewed my accommodation as a place to lay my head and store my stuff - not as a social arena. Sad but true. You can enjoy uni life without enjoying your accommodation much.

I second this, though enjoyed my last years' accomodation and friends.nuine problem with a flat mate he needs to make this clear though....he shouldn't be in a dangerous or damaging situation.

Moving might also create dischord with people he at least knows, and if the next place ends up much the same then it could be profoundly dispiriting.
I would suggest gritting teeth and viewing it as an opportunity. Its the first time most people have lived with people who don't necessarily love them and excuse them their less sociable foibles: this is good preparation for the rest of adult life...flat sharing in a new city for employment, and even living with a partner.

Also, if your freind's aren't who you live with dischord with them doesn't make home life more difficult AND when things go well, gets you out of the accomodation and meeting more people.

The more he does things the more people he'll meet. He might have to go out on a limb and suggest going for a drink with someone, or perhaps helping any group work become a little social (if their is group work on anything.). Getting a pt job in the SU/student library is also a GREAT way to meet people, as is getting on any commitees and persisting with clubs/socs.


Its a tough time and people always make it sound fun but its not for everyone a three year party. But, learning to make lemonade from lemons now will really and truely help him later in life. Slipping into a low mood won't help, though. Some nice post at uni always helps, maybe having a gregarious friend from home come to visit for a weekend to help break ice in the bar/SU might help?

maggiesoop

Main reasons are because a few of his old school friends have settled in well with their flatmates in other places. He realises there's no guarantee that this will happen but feels that his current flatmates not even being of an age that you can go to the pub, and on college courses lasting only a year, isnt what he was expecting. They're actually not horrible or anything but he was just hoping to meet same age/at Uni types in his first year. I think the rules that Unite have laid down (ie even if you change to another Unite flat, you are responsible for getting a tenant for your own place, which is really bad form given the ridiculous rent I'm paying for him to stay there!) may mean that he has to stay for the whole year.

claire16c

For me the worst thing at uni was living with people I did not like and so I liked uni a lot more once I got into my 2nd year and lived with my friend and her boyfriend.

However we lived ina Unite place, and Unite are pretty useless so I cant hold out much hope for the helping your son. What does his contract say?

lostinrates

maggiesoop wrote: »

They're actually not horrible or anything but he was just hoping to meet same age/at Uni types in his first year. .

he will, on his corse and in socs. Very few people are close friends with who they live with, more like working friendly acquaintances. Friends from course and social groups usually try and share in the second year if they can, IME, and the first year ''sharers'' are part of the rite of passage often enough.

lostinrates

Having just typed all that, it is worth him remaining on a list for a swap if its possible.....there might be a substantial drop out at the end of the first term/semestre or beginning of the spring one. But otherwise....just needs to grit teeth and start socialising and networking.