Son just started Uni but in tears

mumps

I feel for you. My fourth has just gone off to uni so I think I am a bit of an old hand. My experiences, for what they are worth.
I had one who settled in no probs never looked back.
2nd hated it, stuck out the first year and transferred to a uni near home and was much happier.
3rd loved everyone in halls, they all got a flat together for the second year and then had lots of falling outs before they even moved in. She found someone to take her room by Christmas and moved to another flat and was much happier. Decided to get a flat with complete strangers for third year as she felt she didn't want the complications of living with friends, civilised relationship with pleasant people but nothing more.
The 4th is not saying much, hardly phoning home which I think is a good sign but who knows.

The sum total of my experience is that we are pretty helpless and can only stand by, worry and offer support. The chances are he will make friends on his course and in societies and life will get better but it is possible that it wont and be like my 2nd and want to come home. I was so worried at the time but in the end he did well and is happy and successful. It is early days yet, good luck.

Person_one

lostinrates wrote: »

he will, on his corse and in socs. Very few people are close friends with who they live with, more like working friendly acquaintances. Friends from course and social groups usually try and share in the second year if they can, IME, and the first year ''sharers'' are part of the rite of passage often enough.

My experience was the complete opposite of this, I found that course friends were good acquaintances you could happily spend time with but you were always going to be closer to the people you live with if you are lucky and get on.

I do think he should really increase his efforts to be sociable though, maybe spending lots of time in other people's flats if they don't mind, as he doesn't want to find himself in the tough position of having nobody to move in with in second year.

mumps

Person_one wrote: »

My experience was the complete opposite of this, I found that course friends were good acquaintances you could happily spend time with but you were always going to be closer to the people you live with if you are lucky and get on.

I do think he should really increase his efforts to be sociable though, maybe spending lots of time in other people's flats if they don't mind, as he doesn't want to find himself in the tough position of having nobody to move in with in second year.

Oh the pressure and worry of not wanting to be without people to share with in second year. I think that was why my DD rushed into a tenancy she regretted.

Person_one

mumps wrote: »

Oh the pressure and worry of not wanting to be without people to share with in second year. I think that was why my DD rushed into a tenancy she regretted.

It is a horrid position to find yourself in I'm sure, facing another set of strangers when you'd hoped you'd be having fun times with friends.

That's why you've really got to stick your neck out socially if you aren't lucky enough to land on your feet with great flatmates.

lostinrates

Person_one wrote: »

It is a horrid position to find yourself in I'm sure, facing another set of strangers when you'd hoped you'd be having fun times with friends.

That's why you've really got to stick your neck out socially if you aren't lucky enough to land on your feet with great flatmates.

That's true. Unlike you my first year halls were full of people...some on my course, most not, who I just didn't get on with. People bickered over fridge space and other shared facilities and there was always some drama over something, and people had huge rows about the vacuum cleaner:eek: Second year I moved in with friends (all of whom happened to be on my course or in the same dept, but not all the same year). Certainly I remember some crashing second year fall outs from friends who'd done similar: my flat only had one big row and things got on an even keel after that but I think we were pleased not to live with each other the year after. Then I moved in with just one friend and it was much better, we agreed which nights were social open flat nights, which were quiet study nights, and generally were very lucky that we bacame very, very close friends in the second year and it was a friendship made stronger by living together. Then I moved in with another group from uni inc BF...

Humphrey10

I'm thankful for my experience in shared student accommodation, it taught me an important lesson - that I never want to have to share a bathroom, kitchen, or any part of a property with anyone I am not related to or in a relationship with ever again in my life. It's just not worth the hassle.

It also taught me that other people are inconsiderate and noisy and will play music, talk, have sex, and walk around in shoes at all hours so it's impossible to live in anything other than an house or a top floor flat unless you don't mind noise at all.

So OP, even if your son hates every minute of it, at least it will teach him to choose housemates very very carefully in future!

btw when I was living with/under noisy !!!!!!!s, I just spent as much time as possible at friends houses and at various societies.

sammyjammy

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

Ah well, I had also had a very sheltered upbringing, but I'd done the boarding school thing ... But the very LAST thing I would have done was phone my mother and admit I wanted to come home! EVER!

I went to boarding school too, spent my first year (aged 11) ringing my mum and dad up from the payphone and just sobbing down the phone begging them to come and get me. They never sid they wouldn't accept the charges or put the phone down on me but the softness and lovingness probably made me worse. Biggest mistake was taking me out of school the first weekend to spend the weekend with them and my wider family in a rented cottage in Perranporth. Having to go back to school was awful.

At the end of that year they asked me if I wanted to stay at home or go back, I stayed for the next five years but never really enjoyed it. I didn't go to uni as I couldn't bear to be away from them again.

13 years ago I moved 320 miles from any of my family and don't miss them at all (of course I wish they were a bit nearer but not too near ) and I m 39 so I took my time.

If he does decide its the wrong time/decision for him let him make that decision, it takes real bravery to admit you've made a mistake.

PS I'm only half way through the thread so don't know the outcome yet!

maggiesoop

Its great reading all the different messages, thanks to everyone. Makes me feel so much better.

Now I'm just a bit irritated at Unite's stance. All he wants to do is move from one Unite flat to another Unite flat but they are adamant that he must find a new tenant. (bit like buying a dress at M&S, not liking it but them saying "sorry you have to find someone else to buy it!!") I know its in the T&Cs but of course the small print means nothing until you want to leave.

Out of curiosity I called their Head Office today and enquired if they had any flats left at Mealmarket only to be told "no" ! I then got in touch with Mealmarket reception and asked them why they hadn't put my son's flat as "available" as discussed yesterday and the girl there told me she'd been interrupted on the phone and must have "forgotten to do it!"

So my poor boy's spending his time posting ads on Gumtree, around the campus, in fact any notice board he can find and the very people who are likely to get the most enquiries have "forgotten" to update their database :mad:

I'm now keener than ever to get out of this contract so any help/guidance/experiences would be very very appreciated.

esmy

The condition of finding another tenant if you wish to leave Uni accommodation seems to be quite common - I remember it being in my daughter's T&Cs and her halls were not Unite but belonged to the uni. I think the contract she signed was for the full year, so I suppose leaving early would mean pay up or get someone else to take over the tenancy.
I'd be very surprised if there's another way out.
Could your son ,( rather than yourself ) keep checking back with Unite that they're aware of his hunt for a tenant?
Wishing your son good luck

Caroline_a

esmy wrote: »

The condition of finding another tenant if you wish to leave Uni accommodation seems to be quite common - I remember it being in my daughter's T&Cs and her halls were not Unite but belonged to the uni. I think the contract she signed was for the full year, so I suppose leaving early would mean pay up or get someone else to take over the tenancy.
I'd be very surprised if there's another way out.
Could your son ,( rather than yourself ) keep checking back with Unite that they're aware of his hunt for a tenant?
Wishing your son good luck

Have to agree with this. One of the things that uni is very good for is teaching kids to stand on their own two feet. I understand your concern, but he's a man now in the eyes of the law - you need to allow him to sort out his life as best he can, because you shouldnt be doing it for him. If he can't do this without you doing it for him, he needs to learn how to - 10 years down the line you don't want him to be dependant on either you or a wife to do everything for him.

You'll be all the more proud of him if he can do this himself.