Son just started Uni but in tears

Savvy_Sue

KiKi wrote: »

I'm so sorry, I haven't read any of the replies, but wanted to tell you, OP, that this is normal for many uni students! My story:

I went to uni, full of expectation, and suddenly realised I was quite insecure and had never been away from home before. I arrived on Saturday, and called my parents at 2am on Sunday morning, sobbing and sobbing. They came down the next day. I cried like a baby when they left. Every day for the next two weeks I cried for HOURS on the phone to them.

In the second week, after begging my parents to pick me up again, my mum told me I HAD to stick it out for two weeks, and then IF I was still unhappy we'd talk about me going home. She put the phone down, then! I was gutted. But I stuck it out for two weeks, as she'd said.

As soon as the work kicked in and I had a routine and schedule, and had gotten to know people, I was fine. I didn't love uni, even now looking back, but it was still all fine.

My mum says that to this day putting the phone down on me was the worst thing she ever did, but that she knew she had to do it for my sake. She also says that if the phone ever rings late at night (or in the night, as our Australian relatives sometimes call!), her heart starts beating really fast and she gets that feeling of 'dread' because she thinks it's me in trouble - despite the fact that this was 15 years ago!

Give him time, distressing as it is. Let him talk to you, but encourage him to do things. Freshers' week is tough. I had a sheltered upbringing, and didn't drink or anything, so to be amongst teenagers who were going crazy with from being away from home for the first time was very hard. Lots of drinking, partying, smoking etc, all of which I hated. When the course kicks in he'll probably feel a bit better

KiKi

:rotfl: KiKi, I would NEVER have believed this of you - you're such a sensible and well-informed poster, and I am struggling to reconcile that with tearful sobbing phone calls at 2 am!

what a sensible mother you had!

Mine all went off without a backward glance! I was very wobbly leaving DS1, he's a bit of an Aspie so hard to know how he would cope with 'new' things and 'new' people, but we propped his door open, pointed him at the lad next door whose father also looked a bit wobbly, and left. He's still friends with that lad!

KiKi

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

:rotfl: KiKi, I would NEVER have believed this of you - you're such a sensible and well-informed poster, and I am struggling to reconcile that with tearful sobbing phone calls at 2 am!

I think that's the nicest thing anyone's said to me!

In fairness, this was 15 years ago! VERY sheltered upbringing...didn't drink, didn't party, never ever encountered friends who smoked or took drugs (and all of that still applies!) so it was a huge, huge shock to me. That, set against my expectations of fun girly nights in PJs, with hot chocolate watching movies (I blame Enid Blyton boarding school books) just hit me like a ton of bricks.

But I joined a church (I went to church at home, too) and found people at uni with similar interests, enjoyed the course, discovered the internet, and settled down.

But my poor mum still suffers with it. She can't talk about it without tearing up, bless her.

KiKi

Savvy_Sue

Ah well, I had also had a very sheltered upbringing, but I'd done the boarding school thing ... But the very LAST thing I would have done was phone my mother and admit I wanted to come home! EVER!

KiKi

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

Ah well, I had also had a very sheltered upbringing, but I'd done the boarding school thing ... But the very LAST thing I would have done was phone my mother and admit I wanted to come home! EVER!

I think it was the last thing my parents ever thought I'd do, too! As did I! I'm sure in the long run it was probably good for our relationship, as I'm terribly independent, and they liked that I still needed them!

OP - how is your son doing? Have you heard from him this weekend?

KiKi

maggiesoop

KiKi wrote: »

I think it was the last thing my parents ever thought I'd do, too! As did I! I'm sure in the long run it was probably good for our relationship, as I'm terribly independent, and they liked that I still needed them!

OP - how is your son doing? Have you heard from him this weekend?

KiKi

Yes, thanks all seems well. We Skyped on Sunday afternoon (which was a bad idea because I saw the state of his room!!!!!) :rotfl: However he'd just been to "extreme frizzbee" (whatever that is) and said it was fantastic. He's also joined a basketball club and is looking for a drama club. It was truly wonderful to hear him so cheerful himself at last.

I've arranged for him to get his tv next weekend because I think he'll not spend too much time in his room with all these activities and of course his coursework starts tomorrow so he'll be busy with this.

Just listened to a play on R4 about kids leaving him and almost had me in tears again. I had this overwhelming need for a cuddle from his long lanky arms!

lynnemcf

Reading this thread brought back an awful memory for me ... I went to Uni before the days of mobile phones and rang my mum from the phone box on the corner. A few days into Uni I was terribly homesick and phoned home, spent all my time sobbing, got my mum to ring me back and did a bit more sobbing. I then got caught up in work and socializing and didnt bother to ring home again for several days (might have been over a week!!!). Anyway this rather lovely lad knocked at my door and said it was urgent I phoned home, that the phone in the box at the corner had been ringing and a very worried mum wanted to talk to me .... oh my poor mum, I'd not given her a second thought. And luckily for me, it turned out this lad had his own car and lived just a short drive from my parents, so I had someone to car share to get home!!!!

johnswife

Glad to hear it is all working out well!
We dropped our youngest daughter off at Bath on Saturday and not until we said goodbye was there a few tears. There was only her and 3 boys moved into a flat for 9. i kept thinking about her all night
but turned out one of the lads doing the same course as her and he was "nice" and they went to another flat where there were some girls and socialised.
They all moved in yesterday 7 boys and 2 girls. she said the boy next doors was quiet and she hadn't seen him so she was going to knock on his door and see if he wanted to explore the campus.

best buy was a door wedge to see everyone and a big tin of chocolates to share.

I had a text goodmorning today so that will do me.

she is the last of 3 so I just tell myself that they are having a goodtime and think positive thoughts.

Savvy_Sue

maggiesoop wrote: »

However he'd just been to "extreme frizzbee" (whatever that is) and said it was fantastic.

I did a google, sounds like the same thing my nephew was in the uni team for. Ultimate Frisbee

minerva_windsong

I'm not in touch with any of the people I lived with in my first year at uni - don't get me wrong, they were all perfectly nice, but I just didn't 'click' with them. All the people I'm still friends with from university are people I met on my course or through student societies. I do however remembering feeling very jealous of a friend who'd bonded really well with the people in her halls, so it's not that uncommon to think that everyone else has great flatmates and you're stuck with people you don't get on with, but it really is the luck of the draw.

I also agree with the observation that he may be worried about you, especially if he's an only child. There's a huge age gap between me and my sisters so for a lot of my teenage years it was just me and my parents, but my abiding memory of when I first went to uni is my sister telling me that my parents were going to cry when I left home and me feeling absolutely awful. It's a perfectly natural response if he thinks you're upset about him leaving.

I agree with those who've said for him to get involved in societies - most societies will let people come to the first session for free to see if they like it before parting with any money, and it's a good opportunity to try out things you're interested in but didn't pursue before. If he's not a particularly 'clubby' person, some unis do have non-alcoholic events in Freshers' Week; I went to the theatre, on a ghost tour and to a 'pudding club' in my Freshers' Week and it was great because there wasn't the pressure to get hammered or dress up.

ETA: Oh, and my boyfriend (who I met through a uni society) did Ultimate Frisbee and absolutely loved it

maggiesoop

Can anyone help with books? I remember reading on this site that you shouldn't shell out for "essential" reading as half the time they're not, so he didn't buy any.

He's now texted me panicking saying he doesn't want to be the only one with nothing in his hand.

I've told him to wait until he speaks to his "Personal & Professional Advisor" (Uni's terminology, not mine's!!) and hopefully he/she will give him advice?