kids lost all respect.

Emmzi

DatabaseError wrote: »

love my kids, one of them is adamant he hates me, the other slightly less so.
undoubtedly i messed up a long time ago, not sure right now i have the skills or ability to turn it around, even with assistance, and i agree, they may be better off elsewhere.
really doesn't help that my marriage is collapsing around me as well.

Meh. All kids say the hate you from time to time. Is a test to see how unconditional your love is.

However.

You do not sound like you want to fight for your wife.

You do not sound like you want to do the right thing by your kids.

If that is the case I would say so now and ask for the thread to be closed because going on past history it is going to get very judgemental right about now, and you sound too depressed to deal with it.

You do sound depressed, and I think counseling might help if you are open to it. Have you been to see your GP to get on the wait list?

Practical parenting advice here http://familylives.org.uk/

CH27

OP what to do you want to happen?

Do you want to fight to keep your boys?
Do you want to fight to keep your wife?

I understand that working away for long periods has been hard on you as well as your family & it's taken it's toll on you all.
You need to decide yourself what you want & you need to talk to your boys & tell them that you love them. That you worked away to support them & that you wrongly thought that was enough.
I think your boys want support, love & boundaries. They need to to be secure in you.

Welshwoofs

DatabaseError wrote: »

she seems to think she can sell the house and move over there.

I hate to burst her bubble for her, but she has a cat's chance in hell of staying over a 6 month visitor's visa in the USA. She's married so she's not going to be doing a marriage of convenience (and they're bloody hot on those sorts of things anyway) and without a Green Card she won't be working and nor would a company be willing to sponsor her for one unless she has some extraordinary skill the US are in dire need of (for instance, she's a surgeon).

She's not going to the US to live anytime soon. What will happen is her holiday will be over, she'll come home, she'll look into moving to the US and quickly realise she has absolutely NO chance unless she gets a divorce first and then she'll probably be telling you to move out and ultimately stay at home and get herself a different bloke who isn't in the US.

victory

DatabaseError wrote: »

maybe because there's a limit to how much crap i can deal with, and that point passed long ago? Just had a load of abuse from one of my sons down the phone, i have everything for a weekend in the lake district, he doesn't want to come, his last words were "go die". cancelled the phone contract as i'm sick of paying to get the crap from him. on the verge of phoning social services to take him away.

Find him, grab him, in the car and go, you need this ,they need this, still think it is an excellent idea:D

RAS

DatabaseError wrote: »

love my kids, one of them is adamant he hates me, the other slightly less so.

They are teenagers!

If they have not yet told you that it is not their fault they were born and that they wish they never had been, you have a way to go yet.

They are pushing boundaries hard and they are obnoxious little gits, becasue that it what teenagers are like.

You might find it useful to read Steve Biddulph's books on how to raise boys and also get How to talk to children so that they listen http://www.parentwonder.com/how-to-talk-so-kids-will-listen/

There are lots of skills in there that would make a difference.

Caroline_a

OK OP. What would you like to happen? You've got a disloyal wife and sons who say they hate you. Firstly, take a step back.. your kids are testing you out, they are hitting out at you because you are there, and mum isnt. Kids aren't daft, they will know that things are very wrong, as far as you know your wife has been telling them how wonderful the US is, how carp you are, etc etc. You're their dad. They (whatever they say) love you.

Now is your opportunity to show how much you love them. Stop taking the rubbish from them, ignore wifey who is living in cloud cuckoo land as others have said, go pick them up wherever they are and go off camping for the weekend. Never mind the moaning and wittering, just do it.

Come back, change the locks and fight for your kids. You seem to want to leave them and their bad behaviour to your wife... understandable I know, but also the cowards way out. Harsh words I know, but now is a really important time in their development. What you do now will impact on their lives forever - do you want them to think that their dad is a wimp who walked away because he didn't want the hassle?

Hackneyed phrase, but grow a pair, if only for your sons' sakes!

Racheldevon

I would phone your local children and young people's service (social services), and explain all of the above, that your family is in crisis, and at risk at risk of breakdown. There is always an out of hours emergency number. Some intensive support and input from the Family Intervention Service would possibly be of benefit right now, best of luck

whitewing

Take 'em both and go camping. Any minute of the weekend that is good is a bonus. Don't guilt trip them. No need to discuss all the messy emotions. Just be with them.

DatabaseError

RAS wrote: »

You might find it useful to read Steve Biddulph's books on how to raise boys and also get How to talk to children so that they listen http://www.parentwonder.com/how-to-talk-so-kids-will-listen/

ordered - thanks

claire16c

DatabaseError wrote: »

maybe because there's a limit to how much crap i can deal with, and that point passed long ago? Just had a load of abuse from one of my sons down the phone, i have everything for a weekend in the lake district, he doesn't want to come, his last words were "go die". cancelled the phone contract as i'm sick of paying to get the crap from him. on the verge of phoning social services to take him away.

So go pick him up and take him there. You are the adult and he is the child. Youve got the stuff, make the most of it!

Even if your marriage is over, dont make it the end of the relationship with your kids too.