kids lost all respect.

euronorris

DatabaseError wrote: »

kinda sick of it to be honest, went through similar crap last year, i moved out, within a week she wanted me back, i held off for a month and went back, went to relate, things weren't as "fixed" as i thought. Never stopped loving her, do right now, but maybe it is time to walk away.
she's have the kids (she's been around for them most), i will happily pay my way and play my part.

Which is what leads me to believe this is more of a cry for help from her, than actually wanting you to leave.

Not the best way to go about it, granted, but she may feel that no other approach has worked. I get the strong impression she wants you to fight for her, for your relationship, for your family. Instead, your reaction is a rather deflated 'Oh well, OK then.'.

Rightly or wrongly, she isn't getting what she needs from you right now. She may feel that the responsibility, together with all it's challenges, of bringing up the kids was put entirely on her shoulders (by any means, it was for 6 months each year). How supportive have you been in the past over this? Or did she reject all offers of support? Have you really spoken, honestly, about how both of you felt about the situation, how you could improve it, and how you wanted it to be?

Try. Fight for it all!

As Victory stated, paying your way isn't enough. Particularly if she moves to the US. Or are you seeing this as your get out clause, so to speak?

Caroline_a

DatabaseError wrote: »

kinda sick of it to be honest, went through similar crap last year, i moved out, within a week she wanted me back, i held off for a month and went back, went to relate, things weren't as "fixed" as i thought. Never stopped loving her, do right now, but maybe it is time to walk away.
she's have the kids (she's been around for them most), i will happily pay my way and play my part.

You sure the boys want to stay with her? They really should be consulted as to whether they want to up sticks and move to a strange country, with a strange man acting as their dad, leaving all their mates behind.

It actually might be time for you to step up to the plate and say that you want to keep them. Unless of course you don't want to...

victory

caroline is right,there is little the boys have a voice over, I am not sure how much input/rights 13 year old boys have in the dynamics of a family but....they are now going to be told you are splitting up, that mum wants to move to the USA and dad will not be around/not see them often and they will have to move schools, loose their friends, their families although I am sure they can all email, skype etc but that is not the same, change houses/bedrooms/lifestyles, not have anything around them that is familiar apart from mum.

To go and live in the USA they would have to sell all their things and pack a case, so what else is left to take off them?

Emmzi

Wifey has umpteen visa hurdles to live in the USA which will take months to overcome and will only be aided by getting married. Which comes after the divorce. So realistic chances are tiny unless she is already a US citizen. Even harder with dependent children so if she is going, I think the boys are staying.

DatabaseError

Caroline_a wrote: »

You sure the boys want to stay with her? They really should be consulted as to whether they want to up sticks and move to a strange country, with a strange man acting as their dad, leaving all their mates behind.

It actually might be time for you to step up to the plate and say that you want to keep them. Unless of course you don't want to...

yep, pretty sure they would chose her, and i wouldn't oppose.
i think the move is a pipe dream, she's confusing an expensive holiday with reality, i really don't expect her to go. she's adamant the guy she went to visit is just a friend, and she's staying in a hotel, on balance i tend to believe her, but i still find the situation uncomfortable.

claire16c

Emmzi is right, you cant just move to the USA! Unless she marries this guy its pretty much impossible. And shes not even seperated yet let alone divorced yet!

OP - if you want to make it work with your wife, maybe you should stop talking on facebook and sort it out face to face when she gets back. I dont see how you can give up so easily.

DatabaseError

claire16c wrote: »

I dont see how you can give up so easily.

maybe because there's a limit to how much crap i can deal with, and that point passed long ago? Just had a load of abuse from one of my sons down the phone, i have everything for a weekend in the lake district, he doesn't want to come, his last words were "go die". cancelled the phone contract as i'm sick of paying to get the crap from him. on the verge of phoning social services to take him away.

Emmzi

DatabaseError wrote: »

on the verge of phoning social services to take him away.

Seems highly likely to me your wife is giving you a taste of what she's had to put up with to see how you like it. How long have you been back? A week? Less?

If you hate your kids that much though, they would be better off in care or with a foster family.

Or you could get some parenting skills coaching instead. Which would seem to be worth a go if you aren't too proud to admit you cocked up somewhere along the way?

DatabaseError

Emmzi wrote: »

Seems highly likely to me your wife is giving you a taste of what she's had to put up with to see how you like it. How long have you been back? A week? Less?

If you hate your kids that much though, they would be better off in care or with a foster family.

Or you could get some parenting skills coaching instead. Which would seem to be worth a go if you aren't too proud to admit you cocked up somewhere along the way?

love my kids, one of them is adamant he hates me, the other slightly less so.
undoubtedly i messed up a long time ago, not sure right now i have the skills or ability to turn it around, even with assistance, and i agree, they may be better off elsewhere.
really doesn't help that my marriage is collapsing around me as well.

*max*

Unless she's a millionaire, relocates with work or is already a US citizen, there is zero chance she'll be able to move to the US! All other facts aside, she's living in la-la land if she thinks she can just up and move there like that, tbh.