kids lost all respect.

desert_rose

Understandably, you're overwhelmed with it all and when we're overwhelmed we get into flight or fight mode.

You've got into flight.

Its not the way forward, it really isn't. Anything that's worth having in this life, you have to 'fight', for and I don't mean physically - but mentally, emotionally and practically. If you fight for your boys then you send out a clear unmistakeable signal that you're not to be messed with.

Tell the wife she can please herself if she wants but you're not going anywhere. Tell the boys that their behaviour is unacceptable and until they can learn a bit of respect and cooperation then you're not up for subsidising mobiles, x boxes, pocket money, new 'stuff'.

Draw up a list of rules - and stick to them. Enforce consequences when they're breached, give privileges when they're pleasant to be around and meet the expectations you have set.

You have to be the adult here. Your boys are in crisis and their parents aren't listening. Your lives are in pieces....and they blame the adults.

What they need is tough love, a bit of stability and clear boundaries. It will be hard at first, but you can do this.

Remember, they're just kids. Mixed up, very angry, very unhappy children.

whitewing

I have just skim-read an article in the latest National Geographic magazine about the brains of teenagers. One thing I picked up from it (which was very useful went my son went AWOL on Friday night) was that teenagers can assess risks the same as an adult. However, they are more driven by reward than consequence, hence the risky behaviour. It's a good article.
It has made me handle my son's recent behaviour very differently than I would have otherwise, without in any way letting him get away with anything unacceptable.

aliasojo

whitewing wrote: »

However, they are more driven by reward than consequence......

As are dogs. Funny that. I think I'm going to phone my now 22 year old to point out that when he was 15, he was on a par with our pet pooch. :rotfl:

paulwellerfan

op when is your wife back from her holiday???

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

My thoughts are that the boys are probably thinking 'Who the $&@( are you to tell me what to do - you're going to b*gger off in a few weeks anyway?' every time you roll up. So probably was your wife.

You're pretty much a stranger that imposed on them for 26 weeks at a time, so she's pretty much been a single parent since day one.

Getting them taken into care is spiteful. She's had them without a break for months, is at the end of her tether, you show up, no job, threatening to leave if she goes on holiday - and your solution is to get rid of them like a couple of Staffies?


Whether or not she has had enough of you not being there - and wanting to get permanently rid of the children (and take them away from their mother too) as soon as you are faced with actually having to look after them yourself for a change doesn't look good for you in anyone's eyes - you have an obligation to be a man and look after those unwanted boys. After all, it's not as if you have any intention of ever seeing them again once their mum gets back, is it?

Makes you wonder what she went through all alone when you were away for all those years, if you can't handle a couple of days and she had six months at a time alone and six months pretty much alone, but having to deal with you too.

DatabaseError

she's back tomorrow..i'm a little less stressed out now than i was when i started this thread..and the boys are playing out happily.

"threatening to leave if she goes on holiday" a holiday to visit a man she met on the internet, paid for using money we don't have (credit card) , taken while I'm still at work so not even a transition between parental carers (elder sister babysat, allowing them to do whatever they wanted).
..we didn't go camping....

whitewing

Go next weekend then. Hopefully you'll have the weather for it.

If mum is back tomorrow, you and the boys could get the house tidy for her, and get some flowers in, make a bit of an effort to welcome 'mum' back even if you're not quite ready to welcome 'wife'. I think parenting has to be priority for you two at the moment.

DatabaseError

whitewing wrote: »

If mum is back tomorrow, you and the boys could get the house tidy for her, ...

boys still out, but i've been cleaning like mad, house was filthy.

whitewing

You will all feel a lot better if the house looks nice. Don't forget to do a food shop tomorrow if you've time before she comes back.

In the meantime, pick your battles carefully with the boys. I tend to have to ignore certain tones of voice or mutterings from my teenager at home, especially if I know he's physically tired.

DatabaseError

whitewing wrote: »

You will all feel a lot better if the house looks nice. Don't forget to do a food shop tomorrow if you've time before she comes back.

In the meantime, pick your battles carefully with the boys. I tend to have to ignore certain tones of voice or mutterings from my teenager at home, especially if I know he's physically tired.

food shopping isn't possible, collecting her early tomorrow, but there is coffee and milk, bacon and baps etc...

I think ignoring mutterings is partly what's brought us to this situation..., allowing things to slide for the sake of a little peace, an easy life, works only so long, apparently.

Not 100% sure what's going to happen tomorrow, but I have a bed made in an empty house just in case.