kids lost all respect.

picnic

DatabaseError wrote: »

full time father... one that is there every day not all day every day.
thinking about camping, not got any gear, but i guess the essentials are a tent, airbeds not essential and sleeping bags, maybe a pan for beans and sausages...ask friends/ family...[/QUOTE] but do something.. before you lose 2 sons and they lose a dad

WestonDave

If you're quick millets, blacks and mountain warehouse have all had clearance sales recently so you might pick something up cheap - check Argos as well. There are some "bistro" stoves about that are very simple to run and generally come in a case - just need a few gas cannisters - 2 should be more than enough for a weekend. Few tins of things like stew, big soup etc, some sausages. You can keep stuff cold in a bucket of water. However do ask around friends etc as chances are someone has a load of stuff they bought on a whim and never really use that they could lend you. ukcampsites.co.uk is a good place to find sites with reviews - see if you can find one that allows real fires - there is something very calming and primitive about sitting round a real wood fire "chewing the fat" - which is what you really need.

Oh and if you do do this, make sure you ask them about how they feel things are going - preferably before you launch into how its going to be. If they say they think its all fine - you can then say no, its not. However they may come out with some reasons that they are unhappy which gives you a starting point to say that you all need to work on making things better for all.

flutterby_lil

Your wife might not come back as she too might have had enough. This isn;t going to solve anything, you need to work together to get help for these poor boys.

victory

DatabaseError wrote: »

full time father would rely upon my wife's part time supermarket wage, so no. I need to get a job pretty quickly before the bank empties (might have a careful month or so)
thinking about camping, not got any gear, but i guess the essentials are a tent, airbeds and sleeping bags, maybe a pan for beans and sausages...

Ask family, friends, neighbours, argos do the essential kits so does tesco's, no excuses just go and enjoy they will love it, nothing like father son bonding:D

WhiteHorse

DatabaseError wrote: »

full time father would rely upon my wife's part time supermarket wage, so no.

Not a house-husband, just there every night and weekends. Regularity, consistency, dependability.

thinking about camping, not got any gear, but i guess the essentials are a tent, airbeds and sleeping bags, maybe a pan for beans and sausages...

Yes, make it quite rough. They think they are tough, well show them that you are tougher! When they are whining about being cold, hungry and muddy, you laugh it off. Win respect that way.

Some years ago, a fellow I knew whose son was turning into a tearaway booked them both in for a parachute jump. Faced down or what?

Caroline_a

How much do your boys know about the problems between you and your wife, and the causes? Sometimes parents fall into the trap of using their teenage kids as sounding boards and 'friends' - it's far too much for a kid to take on board that their mother potentially has another bloke, or to have her saying 'of course I'm not sleeping with him'. TMI!!

What do they do outside school - any structured hobbies, like sport, etc? I always worked on the principle that if I kept my kids busy then other people wouldnt lead them astray because they wouldn't have time. It worked for me. They are of an age now to maybe join one of the cadet forces - air cadets for example. My middle daughter joined this, did her the world of good! How cool would their friends think they were if they were flying in various military planes, and learning to shoot? If you take them away, maybe something to discuss...

balletshoes

it sounds like you need to re-connect with your sons, and the camping idea is a great one. Do it now, before you start work again.

My OH works away too, right now we only see him every couple of months, for about a week at a time. Its not ideal when you have kids, I'm very aware that my DD doesn't listen to her Dad or pay attention to him in the way she does with me. She loves him, but I really don't think she'll respect what he says much as she gets older if his work pattern doesn't change to being home much more regularly, so they have a stronger connection.
I think kids need to see that their parents are a unit, who will back each other up.

Kay_Peel

Had my son lain in bed, refusing to get up and sticking the proverbial two fingers at me then he would have had the duvet pulled off and a basin of water thrown over him. I would have put his prized possessions in bin-bags and put them in the boot of my car to take to a charity shop. I'd have screamed and shaken the bejasus out of him. My son knows that I'm capable of crazy things and he would be flying for the bathroom as soon as he heard me coming up the stairs.

Your sons know that your threats are empty and that you're a soft touch. Take them, by all means, on a bonding session in the wilds - but let them see the darker side of you for once! They know about the nice side that they can manipulate and ignore. Do something that will surprise them - face them down and take control.

It doesn't have to be physical - just hit them where it hurts.
Trash the X-box,
puncture their tyres,
tear up their poster of Cheryl Cole,
get them a string of mandarins for Christmas
get them socks for their birthdays.

They deserve it.

freda

I've only skim read the thread, and don't have a lot of experience of teenagers (yet!). But it appears to me that no one has actually said that surely this sort of behaviour indicates that the two boys have a really deep seated anger, frustration, hatred etc of their lives - has anyone ever tried to find out where this was coming from, rather than just heaping more negativity and disappointment on them?

If I were in your situation, I'd be pulling out all the plugs and visiting my GP, CAMHS etc to get them some counselling asap. Something has made them really sad and disillusioned with their lives, you need to find a way to turn it around.

Also, I've not noticed many suggestions for bringing positivity into their lives, just negativity (no presents, grounding, dragging to school etc). Can you enrol them on at least two hobbies that will take up their time - cadets and karate spring to my mind as physically challenging but regimented.

Do they achieve anything in their lives at the moment - everyone needs to feel that they are good at something once in a while, especially children. All your boys appear to feel good at is being so awful at school they get suspended etc etc. Doesn't that just shout 'look at me, pay me some attention' - give them something else that is positive to be good at (see above suggestions for cadets or karate)

Do you ever take them out one at a time for a walk or cycle ride? If you do, can you start talking about why they feel they need to be so troublesome, and how you can help them turn things around?

It sounds so sad, and they are still only so young at 13. Turn their lives around for them, they deserve it.

freda

Oh, and I forgot to say, have you ruled out drugs? 13 is a prime age to be getting into the wrong crowd and doing the wrong things.