kids lost all respect.

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WestonDave wrote: »

Fair enough but even so he was able to stay out on his terms and against your will. If you wanted him home (and I realise that right now that's probably not exactly how you feel!) then the right course would have been to enforce that.

You can do this, but its going to be hard now to undo years of engrained "getting away with it".

could have done. could have gone round and dragged him kicking and screaming into the car, but he would have climbed out, regardless of speed as they are fearless

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victory wrote: »

So there is positiveness in the house then?:D

there can be loads, 2 weeks ago we had a great day at the seaside together. One of them (the sleepy one today) posted this on facebook the day after,
"- i dont see you as much as i should, i never wanna get out of bed when your home but i regret it by the end of the night coz we would have a really good day:) loveyou x"

crazyguy

Try this: http://www.bbc.co.uk/insideout/yorkslincs/series2/bootcamp_children_discipline_delinquents_juvenille_behaviour.shtml

UK Bootcamp: http://teenhomestay.co.uk/

Money_maker

That facebook post shows there is still a chance to salvage this. Do as WestonDave said and spend some time talking. Kids say all sorts in the heat of the moment but underneath a lot of it is just bravado. Something is wrong, needs putting right and you need the time with them to go through it all. Make sure both parties give and take so both sides gain.

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crazyguy wrote: »

Try this: http://www.bbc.co.uk/insideout/yorkslincs/series2/bootcamp_children_discipline_delinquents_juvenille_behaviour.shtml

UK Bootcamp: http://teenhomestay.co.uk/

wow - i got laid off work yesterday, not sure I can afford £1000/week

picnic

sorry if this is harsh but think someone needs to say it..... how the hell is you 'walking away' going to help anyone but you!!??
you work six months a year away from the problem and now your there you cant cope!!?? grow up man! these are children, they dont have the same look at life as you do, you working away is to provide for your family i know.. but they dont and wont see it like that.
your some bloke who comes back every now and then and thinks he can tell them what to do... how would you feel if you suddenly got a new boss and they did that?? maybe feel a bit confused at the moved goal posts? p*ssed at changes you have no control over?? now put all that into the mind of a teenage boy...
running away is only going to make a bad situtuation worse.
spend some time with them.. TAKE THEM ON A HOLIDAY!! right this moment do you think the school would mind if they went away for a few weeks?? book somewhere. make them laugh.. let them see you laugh...
and dont see this as 'why should I reward their bad behaviour?' more as 'iv not been the dad they needed nows the time to see if I can...'

good luck. I truly hope you can find in you the dad your son's so badly need.

heretolearn_2

I don't really know what to say other than buckle up as I think you are going to have a rough ride for a couple of years.

A lot of teenagers get very difficult at this age anyway, so don't think your situation is unique, but if they've already spent their lives walking all over you and their mum, it's probably going to be a worse dose than usual. The main worry is what they are doing to themselves - they are missing out on their education and it sounds like they could be heading for some serious trouble.

I think the idea of a weekend away with them is a fantastic one. Middle of nowhere so you've got a captive audience. Have some fun with them - can you do some sort of activity that they'll enjoy and will use up some of their energy, and also boost their self esteem. The chance for a bit of teamwork between the three of you. White water rafting? One of those treetop rope courses? Even just setting up camp, collecting firewood and cooking yourselves a dinner.

Talk to them about how they feel when you are there/away. Talk to them about what they hope to do in their future (without nagging, more in a 'lets make some plans to get you there').

But also lay down the law. It's time to grow a pair. Having discipline and teaching your children how to behave and to respect you and others is not instilling fear, it's a parents job, and society won't thank you for wimping out of this. Right now I hope I don't meet either of your kids down a dark alley... Maybe it's time to say 'hey guys, me and your mum made a mistake when you were younger, we got confused about discipline because my dad used to beat the hell out of me when I was a kid (or whatever it was like) so we went too far the other way with you two. And now it's not only hurting us your parents, it's hurting you both as well. sorry. Things change from when we get back after this weekend. And then set out some clear rules for them and explain that they will not longer get away with behaving the way they do.' And then you and their mum have to put in the effort to both reward positive behaviour (praise etc, not presents) and punish negative behaviour (you'll have to think about that. If you ground them and they climb out the window, follow them and bring them home. There's nothing that'll have more effect than the risk of being embarrassed in front of their friends. If they don't care about losing their computer games, keep going. How about their favourite clothes? CDs. Mobile phones. Money)

WhiteHorse

DatabaseError wrote: »

I've spent 6 months every year working away from home, which probably hasn't helped.

With regard to the primary cause of the problem, you have your own answer. Of course, trendy schools and the content of the TV/internet etc hasn't exactly helped either. 'Support' staff are likely to support the children against you as well.

However, what to do now? Are you in a position to be a full-time father now? Camping/hiking is certainly a possibility - make sure there are no creature comforts. They think they're tough, well, let's see.

You could also think about sending them away altogether - a US 'military school' would do them a power of good.

Failing that - Yes, walk away.

DatabaseError

full time father would rely upon my wife's part time supermarket wage, so no. I need to get a job pretty quickly before the bank empties (might have a careful month or so)
thinking about camping, not got any gear, but i guess the essentials are a tent, airbeds and sleeping bags, maybe a pan for beans and sausages...

picnic

WhiteHorse wrote: »

.Failing that - Yes, walk away.

how is that going to help? having a bad relationship with his wife.. yes walk away from that but his kids!!! you cant walk away from being a parent.
some familys can work with one parent not being there full time (my OH works away all week and is home weekends, but our children are 16 & 18 & 25!) but it is never an ideal situation and extra work is required from both parents to make it work. you cant just come back and expect them to respect you.
who are you? a sperm donor! to be a dad takes time and effort and work!!
have you always worked away? is this the norm for them? are they not doing what they have always done???

if you want your children to change... you must change first!

good luck still