kids lost all respect.

whitewing

Just read your post.

If you think you're going to walk away when your wife comes back, don't expect her to come back.

DatabaseError

not too sure yet about walking away...to help explain that part, last year she formed a relationship with someone on facebook "i love you" messages etc.., leading to a temporary split, we went to relate and got things back together. This year while I've been at work she has again spent her evenings chatting to strangers, she is currently in america (paid on credit card), 10 minutes walk from one such man, adamant that he's just a friend and i should be ok about it, and trust her as she trusts me to work away without doing the dirty. Trying really hard to see that as ok, but I'm struggling

Son now gone to school (5 minutes ago), as he left he said "I'm going to get chuched out of school", I asked why he thought that as he replied " 'cos I'm going to be naughty!". Phoned school to warn them.

WestonDave

Sorry to say it but this situation has come about because of a long term failure to teach them that life has boundaries and when breached there are meaningful consequences (not the same as imposing fear). I wonder if your wife was to some degree suffering from PND in the early days whilst left alone with the two of them to deal with - which led to her taking an easy path with them. Whether or not that is true, the harvest of all that "giving in for some peace" is the lack of peace now.

My own view as a bloke is that its down to you to take the lead here - you are letting them walk all over you, walk all over your wife, and destroy your marriage because you are not willing to ensure they are disciplined. Did you seriously allow a 13 year old to be out all night, location and companions unknown without calling the police? That is exactly the sort of inaction which has got you to a situation where they think they can do anything they like and get away with it. If nothing else calling the police would have brought social services into the frame and you may have got some help!

I'd agree with Whitewing about doing something with them, but I'd go further - go and grab a cheap tent and 3 sleeping bags, shove the two of them in the car and head for somewhere remote. Spend the weekend just being together, solving problems, laughing about being useless and rebuilding the relationship. I'd also at some point have a serious conversation about how this has to be a change point and that the family is on the verge of disaster if you can't work together. You need to accept to them that its partly your fault at not imposing discipline, as well as theirs for being "naughty", but that all of that has to change.

victory

I agree with whitewing because I just was going out the door and came back on to post with what I was going to say and he practically said it for me.

I will explain, my friend in Spain had an only child, boy and he was a proper little horror, he was so disruptive in playgroup, then primary, he was impossible to control (would just run into the road) was disobedient and every time she said for me would I look after him, I used to think no way!

Anyway she took him to docs, he said he was hyperactive and gave him some tablets to calm him, he was always boisterous, difficult to handle, could not sit down, had to be talking all the time etc, they did not work

Fast forward many months later, she decided to go part time, they both worked full time and he was cared for by her mum but she being elderly could not possible cope, you needed 10 pairs of hands and eyes to restrain the lad to keep him safe.

Within the week he was more settled, he would listen, do his home work sit, read, be attentive, he was calmer, easier to handle, the docs said he needed more one to one, she gave him more one to one, it took time but now they have a very loving relationship that is nowhere near as hard work as it was and she was also told to constantly praise the positive even though it is miniscule, stop keep going on about the negative and find something to praise, she did that and he began to blossom, the change in him now is fantastic

victory

WestonDave wrote: »

a

I'd agree with Whitewing about doing something with them, but I'd go further - go and grab a cheap tent and 3 sleeping bags, shove the two of them in the car and head for somewhere remote. Spend the weekend just being together, solving problems, laughing about being useless and rebuilding the relationship.

Now that is really a fantastic idea, do it tomorrow, so far away they cannot escape and talk, talk talk:D

victory

DatabaseError wrote: »

not too sure yet about walking away...to help explain that part, last year she formed a relationship with someone on facebook "i love you" messages etc.., leading to a temporary split, we went to relate and got things back together. This year while I've been at work she has again spent her evenings chatting to strangers, she is currently in america (paid on credit card), 10 minutes walk from one such man, adamant that he's just a friend and i should be ok about it, and trust her as she trusts me to work away without doing the dirty. Trying really hard to see that as ok, but I'm struggling

Son now gone to school (5 minutes ago), as he left he said "I'm going to get chuched out of school", I asked why he thought that as he replied " 'cos I'm going to be naughty!". Phoned school to warn them.

You know when he left, did you say to him 'have a good day' 'hope you enjoy your day' I love you son' ALL the positive things or was it another negative exchange?

DatabaseError

WestonDave wrote: »

Did you seriously allow a 13 year old to be out all night, location and companions unknown without calling the police?

No. i knew exactly where he is, and spoke to his friend's parent before agreeing.

DatabaseError

victory wrote: »

You know when he left, did you say to him 'have a good day' 'hope you enjoy your day' I love you son' ALL the positive things or was it another negative exchange?

yep, all of the above

WestonDave

DatabaseError wrote: »

No. i knew exactly where he is, and spoke to his friend's parent before agreeing.

Fair enough but even so he was able to stay out on his terms and against your will. If you wanted him home (and I realise that right now that's probably not exactly how you feel!) then the right course would have been to enforce that.

You can do this, but its going to be hard now to undo years of engrained "getting away with it".

victory

DatabaseError wrote: »

yep, all of the above

So there is positiveness in the house then?:D