Would you ask your son to leave home?

victory

easy wrote: »

I agree with WestonDave, but you need to do something else first.

Someone in the household (and really, I think this is a father's job) needs to sit your son down and FIRMLY explain that life isn't a free ride, and he doesn't have rights without responsibilities .

You said you have tried everything, making a joke of it, family discussions & so forth. But he needs to understand that now he is nearly 18, he has to take responsibility for himself, and he has responsibilities to you as his parents, and to his brother. I think he needs a REALLY strong kick up the bum. If you and your DH are too soft to REALLY read the riot act, is there an uncle/godparent/family friend who could do this for you?

I would work out how much you spend on him each month (or can actually afford to spend on him). On the 1st of the month pay that much into a bank account for him - open one which doesn't actually allow him to overdraw - give him the account and leave him to manage it. If he runs out of money, tough DON'T give in and top him up mid-month.
Create a list of jobs which he MUST do each day/week, and literally tick each job off when they are done (yep, like a childs star-chart).

Deduct £5 from next month's money for any that aren't done (I would also deduct £5 every time he kicks off on a childlike tantrum - but then I'm tough). You could offer £5 extra when he shows extra consideration or initiative and does something unasked.

When he has managed to meet the family standard for behaviour for 3 months, and proved he can behave like an adult, then he can celebrate his 18th birthday, and receive a present of your choosing (and be suitably grateful for it).

I can promise you hand on heart we have tried everything shouting, sitting listening, talking, not talking, reasoning, letting him have a say, everything he absolutely knows he is out of line, my husband has a course costly one he needs to go on and we have sat him down and explained that he is of paramout importance to raise this money as we rely on him to keep the roof over our heads and his 18th does not compare, we have showed him the bills, showed him how much a month costs, etc oh he knows.

We have given and taken money off him, we have given and taken things off him for his behaviour he has been punished but the monthly allowance even though I agree it is good cannot see why we should 'fund him' he should have a job that does that and we should be just the parents that help him out here and there, I am not sure an allowance would not make him lazier, less energetic to go seek a job.

bluenoseam

Send him a typed letter stating that his monthly rent will be payable on the first of the month at a total of 1/3rd the rent/mortgage you currently pay and tell him that if he thinks it's his "right" to get expensive gifts then he should look up the dictionary definition of a gift. Frankly if he doesn't think you're serious then 1st of October he'll find out just exactly how serious you are when you kick him out to fend for himself!

victory

newcook wrote: »

while I can fully appreciate he is being a pain in the bum and always seems to be changing his mind, some of the above seems a little bit mean with the whole 'you said no so no'.
was he offered a chance to think about it or did the 'no' come when he was asked? sometimes The boys (and men!) just say no without actually thinking about it and then after they have mulled it over for a bit realize it is actually a good idea!!

If he really does keep asking to go for a birthday meal then go – if he changes his mind again then by all means use the ‘you said no so no’ road but surely he is allowed to change his mind once?!?

Well you have to be a bit mean, if he says no he says no and cannot change his mind because often he 'kicks off' before his brain has been engaged, before he thinks he wants confrontation so no is a no and no more discussion.

NO, the chinese meal we were all going looking forward to it and then at the dinner table infront of his gf he just came up with 'I don't want to be seen with my parents on my birthday'(fair enough) so you are not coming, I have invited my friends on facebook and you are not coming.

victory

bluenoseam wrote: »

Send him a typed letter stating that his monthly rent will be payable on the first of the month at a total of 1/3rd the rent/mortgage you currently pay and tell him that if he thinks it's his "right" to get expensive gifts then he should look up the dictionary definition of a gift. Frankly if he doesn't think you're serious then 1st of October he'll find out just exactly how serious you are when you kick him out to fend for himself!

Told him he will have to eventually pay rent and he said in his naiivity 'well I will moveo ut then'

He cannot contribute a penny as he has no job.

Because of his gift ideas no money has been spent on him so farand it is 12days away, not even a card so far.

LilacPixie

Coul you barr the GF from your home if he continues being a brat.

victory

LilacPixie wrote: »

Coul you barr the GF from your home if he continues being a brat.

No why? She is a breathe of fresh air, lovely, level headed, sees it from all sides, has a job, is a great influence on him, he is as nice as pie when she is here, closed doors changes, everyone who meets son says he is lovely, he is, jist not all the time

newcook

is he going to go to the job centre to start signing on?!

pigpen

Did you gain nothing from your previous thread?

You made him this way. (collective you assuming he has more than just 1 parent!.. not singular you)

You are still encouraging this behaviour by not putting a stop to all the things you do.. cooking and washing and buying and slaving.. stop thinking of him as your child.. he is not a child and he needs to be a man and you are not encouraging that.

And dont just presume he can go stay at the GFs.. I would be beyond furious if someone kicked out their child because they were not willing to take responsibility for the lazy good-for-nothing they had created then expected me to sort them out.. that is so very rude of you!!!!

By kicking him out you are effectively saying you dont like what and who he is and therefore throwing him away when you should have been teaching him how to be a man for the last 18 years!

Stop paying for his food and clothes and games and giving him money and everything else
Stop doing his washing and his cooking and his cleaning..

You will be amazed what he is capable of if he doesnt have someone skivvying about for him.

How can you punish a man? Do you punish your husband if he doesnt do something you want him to? what is the difference?

Take responsibility for the lazy lump you have created.. start saying no constantly.. stop backing down when he whines a fake apology and seriously.. start working on the other one now or you will end up with 2 just the same!

He asks for money.. tell him get a job
He asks for expensive gifts.. tell him get a job

birthday and chistmas presents are not for discussion they are gifts.. you buy someone a gift because you love them and the thing you buy you want them to love.. you dont ask people what to get them..

Id get him something he NEEDS rather than something he WANTS.

As another thought... has he grown up watching his dad do nothing? Is he one of those I work therefore I dont do womens work about the house types? So all DS has seen of men and his role model is a dad sat in front of the TV? Or does he pull is weight in the home as well... it is a very powerful image as a child seeing your mum doing the housey things and cooking and shopping etc and it becomes very gender entrenched at a fairly early age.

victory

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victory

newcook wrote: »

is he going to go to the job centre to start signing on?!

Told him that too he said 'why I am going to get one, stop going on'