Would you ask your son to leave home?

January20

victory wrote: »

I know that so well as have done it many times and also what drives him crazy is if I say ' I can't hear you' he says it again, silence from my part, he says it again and then stomps off:rotfl:

Yes, but "I can't hear you" allows him to repeat what he has said - as you have experienced. "I'm not discussing it" or another phrase to that effect doesn't.

Gillyx

victory wrote: »

Done all that, I am ashamed to say we have a secret cupboard for when it 'kicks off' so he can around opening all the kitchen cupboards and will not find what he is looking for because I have hidden it

Well good for you. If he moans about how !!!! his life is, I'd make it even worse.

This isn't on the same scale, but I see my OH's mum, she still has 2 at home and everyone just comes in, goes through the kitchen cupboards, makes food (and a mess) throws the dirty dishes into the sink, has showers and leaves the wet towels on the floor etc, and when I'm there it drives me mad. I think my dad would have battered me stupid if I'd even thought about doing any of that. (I was scared of my dad growing up, still am slightly )

I think teenagers these days just think the world owes them a living, if only it did, we'd all be living it up.

victory

the_cat wrote: »

I think you have an ideal opportunity presented at your feet. Buy him absolutely nothing for his birthday. Let him go on badgering you and say nothing. Don't threaten him or debate it. Just do it. It might just be the shock he needs to make him realise that his behaviour has consequences

Yes it will be hard for you not to mark the occasion. It will doubtless cause a big row. And yes, it's harsh............................................ but nowhere near as harsh as chucking him out (and possibly for him it may even have a bigger impact. Imagine him having to tell his mates that he didn't get anything at all:D)

As I write this I can promise you my heart is breaking but because of him I have got him nothing, not the silly 18 presents, not a card even though I went to get one, I picked it up and thought why am I bothering?

He told me he was not going tobe here for his morning of his birthday and I had got 18 banners, balloons etc he is now trying to retract but I take his first answer so will be giving the lot to his gf so she can decorate her house.

I offered to bake him a cake but he said his gf was doing it then retracted but no first answer so she can do it.

We were all going to the chinese buffet eat as much as you like, he said yes then no because his mates want to go with him, so no it is, he keeps going on about it and I say no you turned us down you go with your mates end of.

Mrs_Arcanum

A neighbours daughter age 16 has a job she wanted and was offered others. She got off her backside & sent out speculative CV's.

This same neighbour kicked out all the older children either because they were spending so much time with a BF or because they were being shiftless & lazy. All her children work now and two run their own successful businesses.

Mojisola

WestonDave wrote: »

The alternative strategy is to (despite his behaviour) take a more adult approach with him. Sit him down with the family finances and explain where all the money goes and that there isn't anything left for a big present or high ongoing phone contracts etc. He needs to grow up in terms of recognising that money is a finite resource in most families and whilst we'd all love to have an unlimited Iphone contract, a new car etc, most of us are making do with old nokias and 9 year old cars because that is what the budget runs to (and that's on decent salaries). He earns nothing so can't expect to be living the life of riley.

I would then work out what you are currently paying for, maybe round it up a bit, and give it to him at the start of the month for him to manage as an allowance - again if he's just getting hand outs at the time of football etc then he's not learning that money is there to be managed. That's not a criticism of your parenting to date - just a suggestion for a new approach. If you want to you can even back it up by making it a condition of getting this months money that last months chores etc were done to an acceptable standard (i.e. a few missed might be OK but not bothering at all means no money).

This has got to worth a try. At the moment you're still treating him like a child and he's behaving like a spoilt toddler. Give him the option to be a grown-up 18 year old with all the responsibilities that come with that.

I couldn't have put up with his behaviour and I'm very patient! I couldn't cope with that amount of stress at home. I don't think he'd still be living at home if he was my son.

victory

............................................................

VfM4meplse

I think these posts are very harsh. A child is for life, not just 18 years. I don't recognise the concept of adoring someone and then kicking them out.

However, he is under your roof and you set the rules, the upper hand is yours and you need to make this clear. So the choice of whether to provide the luxuries he requires is entirely down to you. Part of that understanding is that he pulls his weight, and does his bit in other non-financial ways if he's not earning. Unless he is abusive, IMO the choice to leave should be his and not yours.

FBaby wrote: »

My partner got kicked out by his mum who absolutely adored him when he was 18 as all the love and attention he had received all these years meant he was taking everything for granted. 25 years later, he says it is the best thing she could have done. He is a VERY had working man with excellent values. He is a domestic goddess and self reliant.

Wow, where do I get a man like that??!

Melonade

victory wrote: »

Exactly get your foot in the door, any door, get motivated, his gf says whereshe works there is a job coming up in october, 5 days a week not weekends, I said I would go down with him and introduce himself to the person in authority, he says it has to be put online, I said go and get your face known through his gf, his gf even suggested to him to go there and work for free for a few days to be 'trained up' he looked at her as she had landed from mars

Some of the replies are quite interesting and sometimes (it seems) that faced with the reality of having to get on with it... people really find themselves and it does them good. Shame it has to happen and I don't think I'd much like being thrown out.

The bit in bold shocked me tbh. If he's not willing to give a few days for a possible job then honestly I wouldn't know what to do. And it's quite scarey to think of people losing jobs left and right... they'd gladly lose a few days for a chance of work. Maybe asking him to move out would really make him realise that it just doesn't happen without having to put work into it.

You've frightened the life out of me tbh... I'm scared sh*tless for my son growing up (12y/o atm) In his defence though he has started growing out of "my mates parents have bought" because I just don't care or even bother discussing/arguing/reasoning it anymore.

thorsoak

January20 wrote: »

One of my teacher friends taught me a way to deal with nagging teenagers. Repeat the same phrase in the same tone over and over again to whatever they say so:
Son : my for my birthday...
victory: I'm not discussing it.
Son: but blah blah blah
victory: I'm not discussing it.

It's not easy to keep the same tone and not getting annoyed but if you can manage to do it, it works
And annoys the life out of them :rotfl::rotfl:

January has got it in one - use the "broken record" system. No discussion, no family meetings - just you and your OH giving out the same message "you know what you have to do if you want X,Y & Z - get a job". Don't offer suggestions - you've done that until you are blue in the face ....let him suddenly "find out" that Argos etc are recruiting....show absolutely NO interest in talking it over with him - it's his life, but your home. Almost ignore him ......give him no indication of how much it hurts and irritates you - if he reports that A has got such and such for his birthday say "oh that's nice" - and leave it at that!

I tried to pretend (to myself) that my DD was not there for almost three weeks when she was being a particularly obnoxious teenager ...she is now using the same technique on her obnoxious teenager ...

victory

WestonDave wrote: »

The alternative strategy is to (despite his behaviour) take a more adult approach with him. Sit him down with the family finances and explain where all the money goes and that there isn't anything left for a big present or high ongoing phone contracts etc. He needs to grow up in terms of recognising that money is a finite resource in most families and whilst we'd all love to have an unlimited Iphone contract, a new car etc, most of us are making do with old nokias and 9 year old cars because that is what the budget runs to (and that's on decent salaries). He earns nothing so can't expect to be living the life of riley.

I would then work out what you are currently paying for, maybe round it up a bit, and give it to him at the start of the month for him to manage as an allowance - again if he's just getting hand outs at the time of football etc then he's not learning that money is there to be managed. That's not a criticism of your parenting to date - just a suggestion for a new approach. If you want to you can even back it up by making it a condition of getting this months money that last months chores etc were done to an acceptable standard (i.e. a few missed might be OK but not bothering at all means no money).

WE HAve done this sat him done told him this costs for virgin media this cost for council tax etc OH says that is too much information, he is not having to know our expenditure. We have told him over and over that the budget does notgo to his ideal of an 18th expensive gift, if it did why has his dad not got an iphone, why is his dad's car 18 years old and still running, why has his dad not got a harley that he has always wanted?

Monthly allowance is a great idea but also from my part comes with a smidge of resentment because we are in effect handing him money for nothing, he needs to go out earn and spend to his desire not us keep him, as far as the sunday jobs they are a thank you for keeping me in clothes, food, rent free, giving me a landline, paying for me virgin media to watch tele etc, he has a good life just can't see it.