Would you ask your son to leave home?

victory

the_cat wrote: »

What are the consequences when he breaks the rules? Are they 100% followed to the letter every time? Does he have to earn back whatever the privileges are by good behaviour over a proper period of time?

In essence, are you giving him the opportunity to learn that this sort of behaviour doesn't pay?

Yes to the letter, he gets nothing, it all comes crashing down around his ears, the new take your first answer drives him insane because if he says no, no it is, he tries desperately to go back but I refuse, will not even contemplate it for peace, if I ask something, offer something and he says no but later changes his mind, it is a NO,no,no.

Yes he knows it does not pay because he looses it all, he really does, I may come across in these posts as a push over but no I am not which is the reaso to ask for him to leave, can't tolerate it, will not allow it, he gets it all taken off him, he really behaves for a while and then back on it again...

victory

Gillyx wrote: »

To be honest it sounds like he's playing you, he knows he can apologise and it'l all be fine again. I'd do it, even to give him a shock, and I can bet your bottom dollar he'l come back with his tail between his legs.

Oh he plays it, he knows what buttons to push, he pushes, I react, he says sorry it goes back to being nice, he leaves it for a while, he asks to do things, he seems like a normal child and them wham over again it goes

Sambucus_Nigra

Don't kick him out - if he won't babysit without being paid, don't offer him the house/food etc without rent.

the_cat

Im sorry but I think you are behaving like a bit of a doormat!

He treats you all like cr+p, does nothing he is supposed to do and demands expensive gifts as 'his right'. Sounds like he has been spoilt rotten and has got a bit too used to getting his own way! Yet there seems to be a hell of a lot of discussion and no punishment

Stop paying out for him. At all. For anything other than food (and don't pander to him on that score either, he gets what he's given. If he complains and is rude about it, then he doesn't get it at all) If he can't act like a reasonable member of the family, he only deserves the bare minimum

Until you stand up for yourself he will not respect your authority. Until he respects you, the problems will continue

Gillyx

newcook wrote: »

I think he may be moaning it will interfere with football is that a lot of football is done saturday morning/afternoon so a saturday job would be 'no good'

As you rightly said, pubs/restaurants need additional staff of a weekend due to it being their busiest times but its also usually on an evening/sunday afternoon so this wouldn’t interfere with footie (win-win situation!)

Sadly in all my student jobs I've worked with guys who played football, liked to watch it etc, and they've had to give it up, because at the end of the day we all need money to live.

They all ran cars, liked nights out etc, I guess it comes to a point where you need to decide which is more important to you.

At the moment the majority of the jobs available will be Christmas temps in retail, and that will mean working Sat/Sun and possibly a few nights during the week too. I'm currently looking, and would bite the hand off of someone for that job, the only time me and my OH can spend together is Sat/Sun but I realise that money is needed so I'l have to make the sacrifice.

victory

dirtysexymonkey wrote: »

and what were the consequences?

Like I have said no washing, no cleaning room, clothes back on his floor if he put them in the washer, no food buying, no packed lunches, no talking, no reasoning, no sign of life, no money, no booze for his parties, nothing

victory

January20 wrote: »

Why are you "discussing" his present? It's a present! he gets what he gets. He gets what you can afford. He gets what you think is suitable! End of!

With all due respect, I think you are a big part of the problem - Please don't be offended I don't mean to offend you but I've read a lot of your posts lately and I thin you are too soft with him. (or perhaps I'm just a hard cow? )

ETA: I wouldn't suggest volunteer work at this point because he needs a good carrot for going to work and in his mind volunteer work is not worth it as he won't get paid.

Not according to him, we have a daily update (5 of his mates 18 this moth) of what they got, how he wants what they got, how he will not settle for anything less, I got a gold chain so did OH he said 'that was 40 years ago'
No, I am not offended, I will take anything, I want him to stay, I want to change his mind and for him to see we are not rich but we love him and he has a good life, that we cannot be these rich parents that we just want the best for him and he is become an over bearing demanding silly person and just stop

January20

victory wrote: »

We pay for his football subs, he has no mobile phone, he washed it by accident and was not replaced. All of the above we tell him over and over again even told him if he was this bad at 6th form this year he should leave and get out into the real work/world and contribute, he said no, his grades are 2 years combined and he would have lost 1 year and not achieved his a levels.

He is adored, he has got tough love, no washing clothes, no food buying, no money that went well he caved in after a week and apologized but once the dust settled he reverted to type, we did it again and he apologized and he...

It's a vicious circle: he does something bad - you punish him - he caves in - apologises - you start doing all those things for him again - he does something bad....

What about you start giving him a weekly/ monthly allowance with a list of things he has to do. Give him responsibility for himself: he washes his own clothes ( I do that with my dd - if she doesn't wash them herself tough) for instance, cooks his own food if he misses dinner, don't buy special foods for him etc. Agree with him that if he doesn't do his chores on time and to a good standard, he will lose some of his allowance. Make it a permanent system and see how it works.

I don't wash my dd's clothes.
If she is in for dinner, I'll cook for the 2 of us, if not she cooks for herself (and boyfriend sometimes).
I buy my normal shopping - sometimes I'll add one treat that she likes but if she fancies a pizza mid week or a take away, she pays for it herself.
She has a part time job and buys all her make up, clothes, entertainment with her wages, phone contract (It's in my name and I've told her if she stops paying I'll report it stolen so she can't use it - she knows I'm not joking!) . If she has no money, she may borrow from me but has to pay me from her next pay, or she goes without (she mostly goes without!)

WestonDave

The alternative strategy is to (despite his behaviour) take a more adult approach with him. Sit him down with the family finances and explain where all the money goes and that there isn't anything left for a big present or high ongoing phone contracts etc. He needs to grow up in terms of recognising that money is a finite resource in most families and whilst we'd all love to have an unlimited Iphone contract, a new car etc, most of us are making do with old nokias and 9 year old cars because that is what the budget runs to (and that's on decent salaries). He earns nothing so can't expect to be living the life of riley.

I would then work out what you are currently paying for, maybe round it up a bit, and give it to him at the start of the month for him to manage as an allowance - again if he's just getting hand outs at the time of football etc then he's not learning that money is there to be managed. That's not a criticism of your parenting to date - just a suggestion for a new approach. If you want to you can even back it up by making it a condition of getting this months money that last months chores etc were done to an acceptable standard (i.e. a few missed might be OK but not bothering at all means no money).

victory

Gillyx wrote: »

Sadly in all my student jobs I've worked with guys who played football, liked to watch it etc, and they've had to give it up, because at the end of the day we all need money to live.

They all ran cars, liked nights out etc, I guess it comes to a point where you need to decide which is more important to you.

At the moment the majority of the jobs available will be Christmas temps in retail, and that will mean working Sat/Sun and possibly a few nights during the week too. I'm currently looking, and would bite the hand off of someone for that job, the only time me and my OH can spend together is Sat/Sun but I realise that money is needed so I'l have to make the sacrifice.

I buy the sun and show him ;look argos are recruiting 12,000, matalan for xmas, this company for xmas' go to their depots, go here go there, he says I get over excited and he has applied online and no one has got back to him.

I say go down there, talk to people, go show your cv, your face, go to the business estate behind us and offerto clean the yard and work up, go, sitting here will not get you a job'.