Would you ask your son to leave home?

Gillyx

victory wrote: »

WE got fed up with the food disappearing like he was a locust, comes in from his gf usually not for long but does allthe above, moans if his favs are not there, would noever even dream of going to buy it or do a shop but expects it to be there, whirlwind in and us without so no, now he goes and you can hear him in the kitchen saying he is starving, there is nothing in, what kind of house is this etc and we just sit back and laugh

I'm convinced that's just teenage boys, they will eat you out of house and home :eek: My cousin has 3, all close in age, and I think God when they hit 15, he will be spending his weeks wages in Asda. I don't think there's any filling them. Even now my OH can eat a whole box of jaffa cakes in one sitting, that's before dinner.

victory

Mojisola wrote: »

This has got to worth a try. At the moment you're still treating him like a child and he's behaving like a spoilt toddler. Give him the option to be a grown-up 18 year old with all the responsibilities that come with that.

I couldn't have put up with his behaviour and I'm very patient! I couldn't cope with that amount of stress at home. I don't think he'd still be living at home if he was my son.

Exactly my point, I do worry also what my 11 year old sees and hears and accepts as the norm what will that make him when he is older?

My 11 year old is pole opposite, he offers to help, sees what needs to be done, goes and does it, never asks for anything, never complains, he is a joy to be with, great company, great sense of humour and fun, he knows we are not rich and he asks for nothing not even a beano comic when we go out because he knows that it is expensive etc he loves beano and gets them from the carboot sales and loves them just as much.

victory

VfM4meplse wrote: »

I think these posts are very harsh. A child is for life, not just 18 years. I don't recognise the concept of adoring someone and then kicking them out.

However, he is under your roof and you set the rules, the upper hand is yours and you need to make this clear. So the choice of whether to provide the luxuries he requires is entirely down to you. Part of that understanding is that he pulls his weight, and does his bit in other non-financial ways if he's not earning. Unless he is abusive, IMO the choice to leave should be his and not yours. Wow, where do I get a man like that??!

I agree, in no way am I TRYING to get rid of a son that has just turned 18, what I WANT TO get rid of is his attitude, his selfishness, his rudeness, his thoughts we owe him everything, he is affecting us all. No luxuries can be provided because we have not got the means, he fails to see this however it is put to him.

He is verbally abusive, rude, demanding, lacks respect, can be cruel word wise to the little one, has never hit me no god no but he goes on so much and has a very distorted idea ofwhat we should be doing for him financially

victory

thorsoak wrote: »

January has got it in one - use the "broken record" system. No discussion, no family meetings - just you and your OH giving out the same message "you know what you have to do if you want X,Y & Z - get a job". Don't offer suggestions - you've done that until you are blue in the face ....let him suddenly "find out" that Argos etc are recruiting....show absolutely NO interest in talking it over with him - it's his life, but your home. Almost ignore him ......give him no indication of how much it hurts and irritates you - if he reports that A has got such and such for his birthday say "oh that's nice" - and leave it at that!

I tried to pretend (to myself) that my DD was not there for almost three weeks when she was being a particularly obnoxious teenager ...she is now using the same technique on her obnoxious teenager ...

He says 'oh no notthis again' when we say to everything he says 'get a job':rotfl: everytime it sends him crazy

victory

Someone said about the EMA, it sent son nearly crazy with rage when he realised we just went over so he did not qualify, he said 'everyone I know gets EMA' so how can they and then the parents are so rich to afford full driving lessons,cars, laptops, £500 cash for their birthdays/:rotfl:

easy

WestonDave wrote: »

The alternative strategy is to (despite his behaviour) take a more adult approach with him. Sit him down with the family finances and explain where all the money goes and that there isn't anything left for a big present or high ongoing phone contracts etc. He needs to grow up in terms of recognising that money is a finite resource in most families and whilst we'd all love to have an unlimited Iphone contract, a new car etc, most of us are making do with old nokias and 9 year old cars because that is what the budget runs to (and that's on decent salaries). He earns nothing so can't expect to be living the life of riley.

I would then work out what you are currently paying for, maybe round it up a bit, and give it to him at the start of the month for him to manage as an allowance - again if he's just getting hand outs at the time of football etc then he's not learning that money is there to be managed. That's not a criticism of your parenting to date - just a suggestion for a new approach. If you want to you can even back it up by making it a condition of getting this months money that last months chores etc were done to an acceptable standard (i.e. a few missed might be OK but not bothering at all means no money).

I agree with WestonDave, but you need to do something else first.

Someone in the household (and really, I think this is a father's job) needs to sit your son down and FIRMLY explain that life isn't a free ride, and he doesn't have rights without responsibilities .

You said you have tried everything, making a joke of it, family discussions & so forth. But he needs to understand that now he is nearly 18, he has to take responsibility for himself, and he has responsibilities to you as his parents, and to his brother. I think he needs a REALLY strong kick up the bum. If you and your DH are too soft to REALLY read the riot act, is there an uncle/godparent/family friend who could do this for you?

I would work out how much you spend on him each month (or can actually afford to spend on him). On the 1st of the month pay that much into a bank account for him - open one which doesn't actually allow him to overdraw - give him the account and leave him to manage it. If he runs out of money, tough DON'T give in and top him up mid-month.
Create a list of jobs which he MUST do each day/week, and literally tick each job off when they are done (yep, like a childs star-chart).

Deduct £5 from next month's money for any that aren't done (I would also deduct £5 every time he kicks off on a childlike tantrum - but then I'm tough). You could offer £5 extra when he shows extra consideration or initiative and does something unasked.

When he has managed to meet the family standard for behaviour for 3 months, and proved he can behave like an adult, then he can celebrate his 18th birthday, and receive a present of your choosing (and be suitably grateful for it).

victory

Melonade wrote: »

Some of the replies are quite interesting and sometimes (it seems) that faced with the reality of having to get on with it... people really find themselves and it does them good. Shame it has to happen and I don't think I'd much like being thrown out.

The bit in bold shocked me tbh. If he's not willing to give a few days for a possible job then honestly I wouldn't know what to do. And it's quite scarey to think of people losing jobs left and right... they'd gladly lose a few days for a chance of work. Maybe asking him to move out would really make him realise that it just doesn't happen without having to put work into it.

You've frightened the life out of me tbh... I'm scared sh*tless for my son growing up (12y/o atm) In his defence though he has started growing out of "my mates parents have bought" because I just don't care or even bother discussing/arguing/reasoning it anymore.

I volunteered at banardos for free to get me back into work for a while and it suited, it was confidence, meeting people, having a time to keep it was just what I NEEDED.

Gf will convince him to do the training forfree, she is very influencial and has a good head on her shoulders so if the job comes up then that will not be a prob.

VfM4meplse

January20 wrote: »

I don't wash my dd's clothes

The only problem I have with this is that it starts to fractionate a family. If you separate out her clothes, then is she likely to put the family washing out for you or bring it back in when she's around? I truly believe that for non-skilled chores, if it needs to be done, everyone should be flexible enough to tackle domestic duties as they arise. Ditto making dinner - as in whoever's in first should make a start on it, regardless of whether they are staying in or not.

Gillyx

EMA is a joke. When I was at school most people got it because there parents were single parents, BUT the other parent was still contributing to them, driving lessons, money for holidays etc.

newcook

victory wrote: »

As I write this I can promise you my heart is breaking but because of him I have got him nothing, not the silly 18 presents, not a card even though I went to get one, I picked it up and thought why am I bothering?

He told me he was not going tobe here for his morning of his birthday and I had got 18 banners, balloons etc he is now trying to retract but I take his first answer so will be giving the lot to his gf so she can decorate her house.

I offered to bake him a cake but he said his gf was doing it then retracted but no first answer so she can do it.

We were all going to the chinese buffet eat as much as you like, he said yes then no because his mates want to go with him, so no it is, he keeps going on about it and I say no you turned us down you go with your mates end of.

while I can fully appreciate he is being a pain in the bum and always seems to be changing his mind, some of the above seems a little bit mean with the whole 'you said no so no'.
was he offered a chance to think about it or did the 'no' come when he was asked? sometimes The boys (and men!) just say no without actually thinking about it and then after they have mulled it over for a bit realize it is actually a good idea!!

If he really does keep asking to go for a birthday meal then go – if he changes his mind again then by all means use the ‘you said no so no’ road but surely he is allowed to change his mind once?!?